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You guys, this is basically the biggest weekend OF OUR LIVES. For starters, Orange Is the New Black returns ONE MINUTE AFTER MIDNIGHT, meaning LESS THAN TWELVE HOURS UNTIL BINGE-WATCHING COMMENCES. Fortunately, if you pound all thirteen episodes in a row, then you’ll be free to move about the universe for a weekend FILLED with the best live music OF ALL TIME. So please let’s all take a deep breath and prepare to R-A-G-E or something.

BUT FIRST, you may have missed the following stories on BYT this week, in which case, GET FAMILIAR:

  • We’ve already covered that the new season of Orange Is the New Black will premiere SO SHORTLY, but let’s prepare to binge-eat as we binge-watch with the following thematic dishes. (MORJELLO SHOTS, ANYONE? YOGA SCONES?)
  • And while we’re on the subject of food puns, here are some menu mashups we wish would happen at this weekend’s Gov Ball.
  • Meanwhile, if you’re thinking about going on a Tinder date this weekend, DON’T DO IT! We have someone who goes on them FOR you and live tweets the results so you never have to subject yourself to that IRL shit ever again!
  • Instead, just stay at home and fall further into the Netflix black hole (AFTER you finish OITNB, that is) with these new release suggestions!
  • (Or, you know, just go to AB Biagi and eat a delicious brioche and gelato ice cream sandwich. You know, real casual-like.)

AND NOW FOR EVERYTHING ELSE:

THURSDAY

  • For starters, we’ve got the Disposable Film Festival happening at Videology at 8pm tonight, meaning you can watch a ton of short films created w/ everyday technology for FREE.
  • There’s ALSO another round of Telly Thursdays happening there, too, so if you’re off work between 5 and 7pm, you JUST MIGHT want to stop on by for some British TV times.
  • You might also consider poppin’ on over to Nitehawk Cinema around the corner for a screening of Rough Cut, followed by a Skype chit-chat w/ director Jamie Shovlin!
  • Or if you’re super into GAMES GAMES GAMES, then head on over to Union Hall for tonight’s edition of Park Slope Bingo Club, where the entry is free, and then it’s just $5 to play.
  • BUT if you’ve got fifteen bucks to spare, you’re going to want to mainline it to good old Glasslands tonight, where Peanut Butter Wolf is playing a show. (AND if you haven’t scoped our interview w/ him from last week, get caught up HERE.)
  • Of course, you could ALSO use the same fifteen bucks for a Wolf Gang show (with Madi Diaz and Ariana and the Rose) at Rough Trade around the corner this evening…

  • You’re also def-o gonna want to catch Doldrums with Moon King tonight over at Baby’s All Right, so grab ten dollar tickets in advance before they increase to twelve day of show.
  • Ummmmmmmmmm but WAIT WAIT WAIT let’s please all head (in an orderly fashion, of course) to Brooklyn Bowl for a Kurt Vile and the Violators show, which is just $20 a ticket.
  • Of course, if you’ve got between fifteen and thirty-five bucks to throw around, then you might also consider hitting up Output tonight for DJ sets by everyone’s favorite duo DISCLOSURE!
  • You also might want to consider heading over to Mercury Lounge in Manhattan tonight for an ultra-worthwhile Panama Wedding show, which’ll cost you twelve bones.
  • Got time to stick around for the late gig? Then GET READY for a show by Streets of Laredo AND our buddies Bird Courage, all for ten bucks in advance, twelve day of show.
  • ALSO gonna have to SUPER RECOMMEND that you think about heading up the street to Bowery Ballroom, ’cause Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger (Sean Lennon / Charlotte Kemp Muhl) are playing for $17 in advance, $20 DOS.
  • Prepared to head west? Swing by Le Poisson Rouge for an Elysian Fields show, then (who’ll share the bill w/ Lewis Lazar), for fifteen bucks in advance, eighteen day of show.

FRIDAY

  • If you’re super into karaoke, then probably pay a visit to Union Hall tonight for a final farewell to the free series Karaoke Killed the Cat. (WE WILL SING ALL THE SAD SONGS.)
  • Plus Etsy is hosting a craft party this evening, which will take place under the Manhattan Bridge Archway in DUMBO. There’ll be a photo booth, craft supplies, food trucks, ALL OF IT.
  • It’s bound to be a most excellent time over at Glasslands this evening, ’cause Mother Feather and WOLVVES are joining forces again (with Silent Fangs) for an ultra-steal at just ten bucks a ticket.
  • Or if you’re more into dreamy surf rock, probably pop up the road to Cameo Gallery instead for a Toy Cities show; tickets will run you just eight bucks in advance, but they’ll increase to ten day of show so GET ‘EM NOW.

  • You can (of course) also catch Saintseneca with Memory Map tonight over at Mercury Lounge in Manhattan, but be sure to grab tickets in advance for ten bucks before they rise to twelve DOS.
  • Or if you’re prepared to adventure it up tonight, then you might also head over to Asbury Lanes (yes, that is in New Jersey) for a Diarrhea Planet show tonight that’ll cost just $10.
  • But maybe you’re more into Governors Ball afterparties, because afterparties are cool and stuff. SO, just swing by Output tonight for DJ sets by 1-800-Dinosaur and James Blake, which’ll cost you $15-$30 at the door.
  • Not into that noise? Head on over to the Studio at Webster Hall, where you can catch what’s sure to be an excellent Majical Cloudz show for the reasonable price of fifteen bucks.

SATURDAY

  • First up, provided you’re willing to get yourself out to the Bell House today, you will likely want to hit up another free round of Party Like It’s 1999, which is SPEED THEMED THIS TIME!
  • More into live tunes than DJ situations, though? Target First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum have got you COVERED with a very free (very worthwhile) AVAN LAVA show.
  • Slash FUCK ALL THAT OTHER STUFF, ’cause Angel Haze will be playing mother fucking House of Vans this evening fo’ FREE, and yes, we will be waiting in beach chairs all day to guarantee entry. #FREEBOOZE #FREEFOOD
  • But ummmm YES YES A THOUSAND TIMES YES to the Papertwin show that’s going on at Glasslands tonight; if you’re into shoegaze-y beats, then you’ll more than likely be down to cough up the ten bones it’ll cost you for a ticket.
  • But hold the mother effing phone, ’cause Glasslands is gonna be worth double your time this evening seeing as how Cayucas are playing the late slot for a super reasonable twelve bucks in advance, fourteen day of show.
  • Into King Khan and the Shrines, though? You MIGHT want to forego Glasslands and head up the street to Music Hall of Williamsburg instead, where tickets will run you fifteen bucks.

  • ALSO in the realm of fifteen bucks will be a Classixx / Baio show that’s going down at Brooklyn Bowl this evening, so (as they say) THE PLOT FUCKING THICKENS, Y’ALL.
  • We’re also pretty super into Damn Right, so if you’re not passed out from day drinking by the time 11:30pm rolls around, head on over to Baby’s All Right for the $7 in advance / $10 day of show gig.
  • Or if you’re just all about them Gov Ball afterparties, then you should get your ears over to the Knitting Factory this evening for Black Taxi and the Chain Gang of 1974 for $15.
  • Or you could always just traverse the Brooklyn non-wilderness today in search of good tunes at BAM, which will feature San Fermin (among others) for Soundcheck, which’ll cost you $20 a ticket.
  • OR zip on over to Roulette instead, where the lovely Juliana Barwick will be playing a show for Soundscapes this evening. Just get ready to blow twenty bones on the tickets…
  • But if you’re prepared to get the hell outta town and figure out where exactly Canandaigua is located, then pop over to CMAC for RINGO STARR AND HIS ALL STARR BAND for $20-$85 a ticket.
  • Or maybe you just want to hear some all-star guitar, in which case you should be ready to part with between sixty and a hundred bucks for a Joe Satriani show at The Space at Westbury.

SUNDAY

  • First, it’s the fourteenth annual Egg Rolls & Egg Creams Festival on the Lower East Side, which has plenty of free programming involved, so drag your hungover self outta bed and get CULTURE’D.
  • I think the decision tonight is gonna be PRETTY EASY seeing as how Diarrhea Planet are playing Glasslands. If you haven’t jumped on the bandwagon for the best band with the worst name, now’s your chance for the low price of twelve bucks.
  • Of course, if you’re in the market for some new vinyl, you JUST MIGHT want to head to Rough Trade, ’cause Peter Murphy will be playing a show that’s totally free with a purchase.
  • PERSONALLY I’m gonna have to recommend we get ourselves on over to the Studio at Webster Hall, though, where Cardiknox will be playing a show for just ten bucks a ticket.
  • Or if THAT ain’t your jam, just walk like two feet to regular old Webster Hall for a show by ASTR, Meg Myers, Born Cages and MORE, also just ten dollars per ticket tonight.

  • And if you feel yourself in the mood to head on out to Montauk, then spend your day at the Surf Lodge in the very lovely company of Lissie, who’ll be playing a gig fo’ FREE today.
  • But you might just be really effing exhausted today, in which case I vote we head on over to the movie theater, yeah? For starters, we’ve got screenings of Jurassic Park AND Overboard happening at Nitehawk Cinema.
  • PLUS there’s going to be a one-day-only screening of beloved The Red Shoes at the Film Forum, so if you can haul your ass out of bed by its start time of 11am, then DO IT.
  • And after THAT, we can all head to day two of the twelfth annual Big Apple BBQ celebration, which will be filled with SO MUCH (you guessed it) BARBECUE! #DROOLING

WOW SO MUCH STUFF! If I’ve failed to mention something near and dear to you, then please feel free to digitally berate me in the comments below and/or on Twitter. BYE!

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