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IT’S HERE, YOU GUYS. Portlandia is making a triumphant return tonight with a brand new season of episodes, and THANK GOD FOR THAT, slash we have a very obvious GIF theme this week. We’ll get into all your options for the next few days momentarily, BUT FIRST:

  • FIRST we really hope to see you tomorrow night at the American Museum of Natural History for this month’s One Step Beyond party! Still a few more hours to try to win tickets, so GOOD LUCK.
  • Next, weekly astrological questions ANSWERED by American Horror Story GIFs!
  • And if you were freaking out about the bottomless brunch news yesterday, NEVER FEAR, ’cause it’s not even real. Rejoice with one of these very mostly legal bottomless brunches this weekend!
  • And if you’d like even MORE no-fail suggestions for places to see and things to do, look no further than our CRUSHWORTHY NYC guide, ft. tips from JD Samson, Danny Tamberelli, Reggie Watts and MORE.
  • Finally, THE OSCARS ARE COMING. Bone up on what’s what HERE.

NOW, without further adieu, HERE IS YOUR WEEKEND:

THURSDAY

  • Let’s kick things off at Glasslands tonight for a Rioux show; tickets are ten bones, and the lineup includes Beat Culture, Headaches AND Dadras (DJ set). #BEATSBEATSBEATS
  • Plus we’ve got a complimentary screening of A Hard Day’s Night happening at Videology, so show that Beatles mania and be sure to grab yourself a seat early.
  • We can also do a free beer tasting over in Bed Stuy, where they’ll ALSO have San Francisco-style burritos, tacos, YOU NAME IT on hand for purchase if you feel so inclined.
  • More into tunes tonight? Pop on over to Le Poisson Rouge for ALL OF THE DANCING thanks to a little appearance by the MOTHER EFFING TWELVES, aka THE BEST.

  • ALSO at Le Poisson Rouge tonight is the latest edition of The Soundtrack Series, this time focusing on theme songs ‘n jingles, for a very reasonable eight dollars.
  • And over at the New York Public Library, we’ve got a SOUNDCHECK SMACKDOWN: The Beatles vs The Rolling Stones (aka BATTLE OF THE BEST) for free!
  • Of course, if you’re just mega-starving, then probably hit up 508 Gastro Brewery for the most amazing sounding event OF ALL TIME, aka CHOCOBREWVANA ft. six chocolate-based courses AND six beers.
  • And then (provided you’re willing to trek it out to Staten Island) sit back, digest, and get SUPER GAY for this week’s edition of ThursGAYS Movie Night ft. But I’m A Cheerleader!

FRIDAY

  • Tonight let’s get ready to D-A-N-C-E in S-P-A-C-E at the American Museum of Natural History for One Step Beyond! Tickets are going fast, so get ’em while the gettin’s good and SEE YOU THERE.
  • We’ve ALSO got a Van She DJ set (with live vocals, of course) at good old Glasslands! Saint Pepsi and Alan Blancato will be around as well, all for $10, aka SUPER GREAT.
  • Before that, though, you might want to consider arriving early to Glasslands for a Ski Lodge show; the surf rock tunes might help ward off that blast of cold weather, yeah? Tickets are $10, too.
  • We can also pop around the corner to Cameo Gallery for a Leisure Cruise / Clementine and the Galaxy show, which should be super worthwhile and will just cost us $8 in advance to attend.
  • What’s more, AFTERWARDS we’ve got mother effing Plastic Plates churning out mega-danceable tunes ALSO at Cameo Gallery, so scrape together between $12 and $15 and we’re good to go!
  • And over at Baby’s All Right, we’ve ALSO got Lo Fang playing a show with Rush Midnight. SO. If you think ten dollars is in the cards for you price-wise, GET IT, GRRRRL!

  • And a non-sold-out Surfer Blood show this week?! WE’LL TAKE IT. Just get your ten dollar tickets before history repeats itself and stick it out at Baby’s All Right late-night.
  • Or if you’d prefer to celebrate Johnny Cash’s birthday in style, hit up the CASH BASH at the Bell House! Tickets will run you between fifteen and twenty bucks.
  • More into Manhattan, though? Probably head on over to Webster Hall for White Denim and The Districts, then; tickets are twenty a piece, which is (mostly) reasonable!
  • Too poor, though? UNDERSTANDABLE! Just hit up the Knitting Factory a little before midnight and you can catch this round of FREE FRIDAYS featuring none other than Har Mar Superstar!
  • If you’d rather skip out on the tunes tonight, though, then probably get some MEGA-LOLS over at Gramercy Theatre, ’cause David Koechner will be there and IT WILL BE GOOD.

SATURDAY

  • If you’re pretty super into banjo-driven tunes, then most definitely snag tickets to see Bear’s Denat Mercury Lounge tonight; they’re ten dollars in advance, twelve day of show, so GET ‘EM QUICK.
  • Or maybe you just feel like eating an entire KING CAKE and then dancing it off at Glasslands’ Mardi Gras party, which’ll feature DJ sets from LE1f AND JD Samson for just $5.
  • Speaking of dancing, head just up the road to Cameo Gallery and you can catch Lauren Flaxtonight! Tickets are ten dollars in advance, twelve day of show, so GET ‘EM NOW.
  • And before THAT we’ve also got Tropic of Pisces playing some super dance-worthy tunes ALSO at Cameo Gallery, so be sure to grab passes while they’re eight bucks.
  • I really can’t think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than hanging out at a mother effing Daft Punk tribute, though, especially when it’s zero dollars to get in. So yeah…we’re going.

  • UNLESS of course you’re more inclined to pop on over to the Brooklyn Night Bazaar, in which case you’ll be glad to hear Caspian is headlining tonight’s round of tunes.
  • Too lazy for all of the above? WELL you’re in luck, ’cause there are HELLA MOVIES TONIGHT. For instance, we’ve got good old DONNIE DARKO playing at IFC Center!
  • And/or if you’re safe from the advances of potential strange roommates, then I would definitely recommend gettin’ spooked by a screening of Single White Female, ALSO at IFC Center.
  • Too lowbrow? Get some classic suspense courtesy of the Film Forum today, ’cause they’ve got a one-day-only screening of Rear Window happening. YASSSSSSSS.
  • AND AND AND there’s ALSO a screening of Dial M for Murder happening at the Film Forum in…are you ready for this? MOTHER EFFING 3D, SLASH THIS IS THE GREATEST!

SUNDAY

  • First up, let’s do BEER BEER BEER AND BRUNCH BRUNCH BRUNCH to close out NYC Beer Week AND destroy our life-ruining hangovers this fine Sunday morning.
  • HOORAY FOR THE MARY ONETTES! The band is back in action with Tei Shi and Beca at Glasslands tonight, so snag your twelve dollar tickets while you still can, yeah?
  • PERSONALLY, though, I vote we jet over to Manhattan to Bowery Ballroom for an Agnes Obel show with Gem Club tonight. (Save yourself $5 by grabbing a $20 ticket IN ADVANCE, OKAY?!)
  • But let’s be real…basically the only thing you need to worry about today is where the eff you’re going to watch the Academy Awards, so save yourself the trouble and catch ‘em for FREE at Videology.

  • And if you want to add in some quiz times to the Oscars mix, then hit up Le Poisson Rouge for an Academy Awards-themed edition of THE QUIZ THINGGGGGG.
  • BUT if you happen to be active slightly before those air, then you may be interested to hear there will be a record sale happening at Brooklyn Bowl; admission is free, LPs are not.
  • And after THAT, Brooklyn Bowl will play host to another evening of Chris Douridas’ School Night, and this time the lineup is a DOOZY. We’ve got everyone from Public Service Broadcasting to BROODS, so be sure to RSVP to avoid paying the $7 at-doors entry fee.
  • Got $8, though? Go hang out with Zachary Allan Starkey, a place both wonderful and strange AND Ghost Cop at YE OLDE PIANOS. (Read: Pianos. Plain olde Pianos.)

WOW SO MUCH STUFF! If I’ve failed to mention anything, please feel free to tell me ALL ABOUT IT in the comments and/or on Twitter. BYE!

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