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You guys, it is almost America’s birthday, and I just want you all to get mega-pumped, okay? I know they’re predicting rain, but you know what? You effing suck it up, because IT’S HER PARTY AND SHE’LL CRY IF SHE WANTS TO. Plus there’s a ton of stuff to do, some of which doesn’t even involve entering into the great outdoors, so everything will be fine no matter what. Obviously I needed to choose a really American theme to go along with this guide, and the most American thing I could think of was literally Honey Boo Boo. So here comes Honey Boo Boo, and here comes your weekend:

WEDNESDAY

  • First up, HOLY.SHIT. Jurassic Park is screening at IFC Center starting today and ending Saturday. I’ve already said quite a bit about how this is the most important movie of all time, so let’s not re-harp too hard. BUT, this is basically the greatest news, guys. #LIFEFINDSAWAY
  • Too lowbrow for you? Breathless is here to save the day! Not necessarily the most patriotic film of all time, but who the eff cares?! Head to MoMA and #BAGUETTEABOUTIT
  • Literally the ONLY thing we need to worry about musically tonight is an L-Vis 1990 show that’s happening at Cameo Gallery; tickets are just $7, and the tunes are bound to be amazing.
  • UNLESS you’re into the idea of a Nirvana cover band, in which case I’m going to go ahead and suggest you zip over to Public Assembly and fork over $5 for just that.

  • SPEAKING of cover bands, there will also be a tribute to The Doors happening at BB King Blues Club, so if that’s your idea of a fine time, I highly recommend you to check it out.
  • OR, provided we’re all caught up on the new episodes, we should PROBABLY hit up Videology for another around of Arrested Development BINGO!
  • But how can we even think of doing any of this on an empty stomach?! Answer: we can’t, so let’s hit up Distilled for the launch of their new public hour featuring $5 pastrami dogs and $3 PBRs. (Mmmm empty calories plus trace amounts of protein!)
  • We can also drink our faces off over at Idle Hands Bar, where $20 will score us four hours of all-you-can-drink craft beer cans from 6-10pm. YES WE CAN!

THURSDAY

  • OH HEY HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY OR WHATEVER! Let’s go be super unpatriotic and NOT stimulate the economy at a FREE Ex Cops show! They’ll be playing as part of the MoMA Nights series. #VALUE
  • Then again, if we’ve got a few bucks in our pockets, we could ALSO shell out $10 to scope deafheaven and Marriages at 285 Kent post-fireworks!
  • OR we could bop on over to Cielo for free entry before 11pm with RSVP, plenty o’ tunes, AND (are you ready?) a full hour of open bar from 10-11pm. BOOM.
  • PRE-fireworks, you might want to line your stomach with some greasy food, RIGHT?! Right. For a cheap option, you might consider hitting up Flux Studios for $5 food plates and $1 beers.

  • OR if you don’t mind bringing a dish and coughing up $3, maybe consider swinging by the Prospect Park Picnic House OR Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park for a good old fashioned potluck!
  • Too povo for you? Consider heading over to Maison Premiere for a special day of chicken sandwiches, ice cream s’mores AND/OR a seafood boil. #CALORIES #AMERICA
  • If money is tight right now, though, you could ALSO just pop over to the Iron Horse where they’ll be serving up FREE burgers, hot dogs AND roast pig while supplies last.
  • They’ll also be dishing up free food at Freddy’s Bar, including burgers, veggies AND kimchee hot dogs! Kimchee on a hot dog?! Such a slap in the face to patriotism! I am all for this!

  • Passenger Bar is also hopping on the free hot dog train, though to score one you’ll have to purchase a drink. BUT, just think of how many hot dogs you’ll rack up at that rate!
  • But eff all the free food, ’cause what’s more American than a red-white-‘n-blue-blooded Pabst Blue Ribbon? Answer: NOTHIN’. SO, get over to the Feltraiger Flagship store to take full advantage of an eff ton of free PBR.
  • If you’re just tryna get weird, though, probably head to Might Get Weird, featuring tunes, art, food by Tutu’s AND an early bird open bar starting at noon. Shoot an email to [email protected] to get in on the action.
  • OR we can spend some time DOWN BY THE RIVER (read: on a boat on the river) for the Riverboat Ball! There will be an open bar (PERFECT for people with seasickness) and premium views of the fireworks! #EXCELLENT

FRIDAY

  • Nothing says, “Hello, new day in America,” quite like a FREE John Mayer concert, right?! (I actually have no idea.) Anyway, he’ll be playing the Today Show, so get over there early or something!
  • If that ain’t your jam, though, just wait until later tonight; tickets to a Ladytron DJ set will only set you back $5 at Glasslands! Unheard of. PLUS Adventure will do a live set, and Prism House will do another DJ set. #BONUS
  • Personally, though, I vote we head over to Cameo Gallery (where they are KILLIN’ IT with programming this week) for an Octo Octa show this evening.
  • I’d ALSO suggest heading over to Free Candy tonight, because entry to check out an eff ton of good tunes from guys like Obey City will only cost you $5.

  • Maybe you’d rather be educated about music in a dark, cavern-esque movie theater, though, in which case you should head to Nitehawk Cinema for a screening of A Band Called Death.
  • Into the film portion of that last thing but not the cavern-esque bit? WELL, how about you take your movie viewing outdoors in Tompkins Square Park for a screening of Heartbreaker?! SO FRENCH!
  • OR maybe you’d rather hit up The Brick for the opening evening of Game Play 2013, aka a mega-rad combination of theater performance and video game technology.
  • BUT, if it’s your birthday this month and/or you are shameless with your Facebook likes, you can get free Budweiser drafts ALL NIGHT LONG over at SideBar, which is a PRETTY GREAT DEAL.

SATURDAY

  • First up, if we can somehow muster the courage / strength / resources / etc. that it would take to get ourselves out to Canandaigua, we should PROBABLY hit up Gigantour 2013 to ensure quality time with Megadeth ‘n friends.
  • But since that’s highly unlikely, let’s just set the travel bar at Brooklyn today, yeah? For example, Frankie Rose will play the Brooklyn Museum FO’ FREE, meaning we should definitely go.
  • ALSO free (with suggested donation of $3, but WHATEVER) is a show featuring Theophilus London and Les Nubians over at the Prospect Park Bandshell! All of it’s happening as a part of the Celebrate Brooklyn series, and CELEBRATE WE WILL OR SOMETHING.
  • BUT if you were unable to score tickets to the She & Him / Camera Obscura show tonight (likely), then zip on over to the Ace Hotel for a DJ set by members of Camera Obscura starting at 10pm. (It’s FREE!)

  • If you’re looking for a side of free booze to go along with your tunes, get over to Ruschmeyer’s in Montauk; you’ll listen to Friends and DJ Kitty Cash while sippin’ complimentary Malibu Spiced drinks! Just RSVP here: [email protected]extraextracreative.com
  • HOLD THE MOTHER EFFING PHONE, THOUGH, ’cause Brooklyn Stable is hosting a three minute-long water gun fight AND will be serving up free beers from 10-11pm. #AMAZING
  • Then again, we could also fork over a mere $5 to cram as much free PBR as we want down our throats from 11pm-12am over at the Grand Victory. (TEMPTING.)
  • OR we could just skip on the booze altogether and instead try our hands at the art of the SUBTLEMOB! What’s a subtlemob? It’s sort of like a flashmob only not at all, and more subtle! (Read: I HAVE NO IDEA.)

SUNDAY

  • I vote we hibernate indoors today and then emerge at night for a (roughly) $30 Brazilian Girls show over at the Highline Ballroom. AND THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE, Y’ALL.
  • If you count hiding in movie theaters as hibernating indoors, then we can adhere to our plan over at IFC Center where Young Frankenstein is playing. GENE WILDER FOR THE WIN!
  • We can ALSO catch a screening of (are you ready for this shit?) GHOSTBUSTERS! Oh my god, YES! There is literally nothing I would rather do this weekend than be near a large projection of Bill Murray in ANY format, let alone this one, and it’s all happening thanks to Nitehawk. (WE’RE GOING.)
  • Of course, we could also head over to BAM in Fort Greene for a screening of The Dirty Dozen as part of their Big Screen Epics series…DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

  • Want to continue with the Brooklyn-centric vibes? I vote we hang in Bushwick today for an FX painting party, featuring free food, free tunes, and most importantly, FREE DRINKS!
  • After we’re good ‘n boozed up, I think we should pop on over to Brooklyn Bowl for its 4th anniversary party; we can bowl FOR FREE FOREVER!
  • OR we can use our booze fuel to help unleash some pent up creative energy over at the LaunchPad; they’re hosting a $5 evening of drawing games that’s BYOB, so we should probably check it out.
  • But HOLD THE GODDAMN PHONE, ’cause there is a mother effing ICE CREAM TAKEDOWN happening at the Bell House today for just $15. (I.CAN’T.EVEN.)

WOW SO MUCH STUFF CAN YOU BELIEVE IT ME NEITHER LOL. If I somehow forgot to include something, please feel free to tell me all about it in the comments and/or on Twitter. BYE! AND ALSO ENJOY #FREEDOM OR SOMETHING!

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