A password will be e-mailed to you.

FIRST THINGS FIRST: We just announced our first big NY blow out. BYT Presents FREAKIN’ HALLOWEEN happens on Halloween Proper (October 31st) @ The Gallery at DREAM Downtown. Live Performances by STALLEY, RYE RYE, Autorock and Jasmine Solano DJing, Screambooths, Balloons, TRICK bags and all sorts of other stuff. Learn more and let all your friends to get their tickets here.

NOW that we’ve gotten THAT announcement out of the way, yet another food-centric weekend is upon us, so I hope everyone’s ready to eat A LOT. I mean, it IS Columbus Day weekend, which is kind of like the prequel to Independence Day, which is (in a sense) also the prequel to the American obesity epidemic! So REALLY, it would be unpatriotic of us to NOT eat unhealthy amounts of food, right? RIGHT?! Right. And if you still think this is a bad idea, then maybe some Paula Deen GIFs will help change your mind! So let’s dig in, then, shall we?

THURSDAY

  • Let’s kick off the evening with Paula Deen’s (slightly more talented) Food Network counterpart Chef Morimoto at Aki Matsuri 2012! The event is a celebration of Japanese ingredients, but I would prefer to celebrate the drink menu, which includes artisanal sake and Japanese whiskey!
  • “Yeah right, like I have $125, Megan.” I know, I know, we’re chronically poor. But we can probably afford like $15 if it’s in the name of cheese, right? If so, I vote we head to Mealku for this cheese tasting.
  • OR, we could sample Spanish cheese AND ham AND wine at this edition of Jewels of Spanish Gastronomy. Granted, it costs $50, but you’ll leave with new skills to boost your resume, like how to carve a ham! “Who knows how to carve a ham in an office setting, Megan?” Exactly! Your unique skill sets will be highly desirable to future employers, especially the ones who’ve been trying to figure out how to swap out retirement cakes with honey baked hams!
  • “Regardless, I don’t have $50 to spend on ham, Megan.” FINE. Let’s just cut to the chase and get our drink on, then, yeah? If we swing by Aegir Boardworks between the hours of 7pm and 10pm, we’ll be met with a warm reception by unlimited free PBR.

  • Speaking of unlimited beer, we can head to Gowanus Print Lab for another edition of Pints n’ Prints; the beer and creative juices will be flowing for the low price of $15, provided you bring along your own art supplies. WHAT UP CRAY-PAS!
  • Of course, more free alcohol never hurt anyone (read: it definitely hurt a lot of people, probably) so let’s take full advantage of the hour-long open bar at Cielo from 10-11pm tonight.
  • You can snag even MORE free booze at this Brooklyn Bodega-sponsored event, titled Add A Little Bit of Sugar. Granted, I have no idea what KIND of free booze it is, but it’s free + we’re poor = NO ONE CARES.
  • Or, if you’re more interested in music of the non-free variety, you can cough up a mere $15 to see Django Django perform at the Knitting Factory.
  • You can also catch M83 for like, the millionth (yet still mind-blowing) time at the Wellmont Theatre, only you’ll have to fork over $30-$35 to do so.
  • And for around the same price, you can catch Beth Orton at Town Hall and relive the cinematic masterpiece that was Blue Crush!
  • Finally, if you feel like reliving my post-wisdom teeth extraction experience (during which I was very full of painkillers and very into Regina Spektor‘s ‘The Call,’) simply head to the Capitol Theatre to catch her live performance tonight!

FRIDAY

  • The formula of eating before doing much of anything else seems to be working out BEAUTIFULLY, so let’s keep it going by kicking off the night at Feastin’ with Alley and Fiestah. The event description claims that for just $10 we can enjoy unlimited dinner, drinks AND dessert from countries like Turkey, Italy, Malaysia, Korea and more. They also note that the setup will be “Hogwarts-style,” which leads me to believe this entire event is fictional. Either that or it sounds like the perfect backdrop for some serious food poisoning, but at $10, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
  • “It’s not a risk I’m willing to take, Megan.” Well, fortunately for you there’s this Plate by Plate dinner; the event is being held at the New York Public Library, and with tickets selling for $160 a pop, you can probably expect to sample some of the best food in the city. (Personally, I think I’ll stick to dollar dumplings in Chinatown.)
  • Now that we’re really full of food, though, I vote we hit up the first day of the Bushwick Film Festival; $10 gets us admission, which is definitely less money that it’ll cost you to check out Frankenweenie in 3D.
  • Or maybe our eyes are too strained for that business after a long week of staring blankly at the computer screen; instead, let’s just zone out to some music, yeah? First up, let’s check out this Sleigh Bells show at the Capitol Theatre.

  • To lessen the price and boost the cool factor, though, we could also opt for this Raveonettes show instead.
  • “No, nope. I would prefer something more jam-bandy, Megan.” Fair enough. Well, I vote we all go have nostalgic college times at this Dispatch show, then.
  • Except all that nostalgia reminded me that I was never really into jam bands in the first place, so I’ll probably just check out James Iha at Mercury Lounge instead.

SATURDAY (Can I just pause for a moment to tell you that every time I type up the days I hear the Law & Order sound in my head?)

  • Things got SO CRAZY at that Tori Amos concert last night, and now we are super hungover. And do you know what is a great hangover cure? “Food, Megan. The answer is food. And also water.” WRONG! The answer is clearly to drink more alcohol so your body will be fooled out of getting a hangover. Everyone knows that bodies are SO GULLIBLE! So let’s get started on the bio-trickery at Stone Street Oktoberfest, hosted by Ulysses from 2-4pm; there will be beer and brats and pretzels and (most importantly) NO HANGOVERS!
  • We can continue duping our bodies at The Feast, where, although it’s not clear if the DRINKS are free, the event itself IS, and there will be drinks present. So it might be worth the slight financial risk of having to purchase our own alcoholic beverages, right?
  • “No, not really. Do you have anything more in the free alcohol range, Megan?” As a matter of fact, I DO (kind of); $8 gets you into this bkgirlproblems party / show with free vodka AND bourbon all night long, so provided you’re prepared to capitalize fully, the price of admission is a pretty great deal. “I don’t drink those things, Megan.” TOUGH! #bkgirlproblems
  • Do you drink beer, though? If so, today’s your lucky day, because the Village Voice’s Brooklyn Pour is literally the Disneyland of brews. There will be 100+ varieties of craft beers from Brooklyn to try out, PLUS FOOD. (If you go, please come say hello to me; I’ll be the one conducting the beer tasting equivalent of a Rorschach test in my head, because I only understand PBR-caliber alcoholic beverages.)
  • Hey, and since we’re so full of alcohol, now would be the PERFECT time to “just look” at some really adorable homeless animals who are ready to be adopted by drunk, caring people like us. Should you wake up Sunday morning with a new, four-legged edition to your apartment dynamic, you’ll have have Gristle & Tattoo to thank!
  • “We are NOT so full of alcohol, because SOME OF US are participating in Sobertober, Megan.” Yeah, I tried to do but failed miserably about twelve hours into October. BUT, good on you for trying! Let’s get you set up with some alcohol-free (read: NOT FREE ALCOHOL) events, yeah? First off, do you enjoy the great outdoors? If so, head to the High Line for what I’m sure will be a FASCINATING tree tour. (I’d go with you, but I saw Poltergeist and now I’m afraid of being attacked by trees.)

  • While you’re already in Manhattan (assuming you weren’t there in the first place), why not trek up to Harlem for this Harvest Festival? Tickets are like $5, so you kind of have to go.
  • Or how about zine-making? That’s pretty cool and not necessarily alcoholic, so swing by this free Happy Accidents Zine Workshop, where you’ll learn the ins and outs of crafting your very own zines! (If I had my very own zine, I’d call it THE OBSCENE TWEEN ZINE and Justin Bieber would be throwing up on the cover.)
  • “I would prefer to listen to some music instead, Megan.” Fair enough. Let’s hit up the free scene first, though; we’ve got plenty of worthwhile acts (including Jack White, Santigold and M83) performing today at Virgin Mobile FreeFest, although we’ll have to figure out how to teleport to Merriweather Post Pavilion to enjoy it…
  • But let’s be real, we probably can’t go to that, so instead, let’s go relive teen angst with the Ataris at the Knitting Factory tonight.
  • OR, how about Polica at Webster Hall? (I couldn’t do that fancy Portuguese ‘c’ thing or whatever, but hopefully no one minds…)
  • We could also skip the music entirely and somehow transport ourselves to Lafayette, New Jersey for this Garlic Festival, where we can eat garlic brownies and garlic rice pudding in preparation for our final stop of the evening.
  • “What is the final stop of the evening, Megan?” It’s this weird New York Vampire Ball that I am going to avoid at all costs despite being filled with garlic. Seriously, everyone thinks it’d be SO COOL if vampires were real, but NO IT WOULDN’T.

SUNDAY

  • Afterwards, let’s go learn about the role of food in funerary traditions throughout history at this FREE lecture complete with funeral-approved snackage! UPLIFTING AND DELICIOUS.
  • To cap off the creepiness, let’s head to this unofficial Comic Con Pre-Party, where a VIP pass scores you access to an anime-themed jacuzzi! NOT INTERESTED!
  • Let’s go erase all our scary memories from earlier today at this event, titled Four More Beers: Tasting and Fundraiser for the Status Quo. In case you weren’t clear on the title, you will basically go drink beer and eat cheese curds to support Obama’s 2012 campaign. (PS Michelle Obama did not approve this calorie-laden message!)
  • Or, if you’re looking for another venue that wants to woo your voter support with food, then head to this Obama Bash & Fundraiser at the Candy Rush, where a $10 donation gets you free cake AND cupcakes AND possibly diabetes! (PS Michelle Obama still did not approve of this calorie-laden, sugary message, but PAULA DEEN SURE DID!)

  • OR, if you’re not trying to get political today, I vote (GET IT?!) that you go to Gala Gala Hey! An Apple Festival, largely because the flier depicts an apple saying “I TASTE GOOD IN YOUR MOUTH.” Also, this event is FREE, and there will be things like apple cider, apple pies (cheddar crusted! whiskey crumble! honey ginger! ETC!), and apple alcohol! WE’RE GOING.
  • And after eating a million (read: two) tacos, we’ll be ready to stop munching and start listening to some music. First, let’s check out Flying Lotus at Terminal 5.
  • Not into that? Well how about Blondie? EVERYONE is into Blondie, so provided we’ve got $45-$65, we can go catch that show at the Capitol Theatre!

WHOA WHOA WHOA that was a lot of stuff. Did I forget something though? Like how Paula Deen forgot to tell us all she was a diabetic? Well just tell me about it in the comments and/or on Twitter @BYTNYC and we’ll figure this out TOGETHER.

X
X