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I’m happy to report that there are quite a few opportunities to obtain free alcohol this weekend, and I’d like to think it’s all to commemorate the hit TV show Sabrina the Teenage Witch, which premiered on the 27th of September, 1996. DO YOU GET HOW EFFING SIGNIFICANT THAT IS?! Sabrina got her witch powers on her 16th birthday, and now the show is also turning 16?! Somebody call and find out if Melissa Joan Hart imploded or something! And then if she’s still all well and good, invite her to come hang out with us all weekend. In the meantime, let’s let Salem Saberhagen guide us through all the possibilities!

THURSDAY

  • I promised you free booze, so free booze you shall receive. Let’s kick things off at the opening of this Holden X Impossible photo exhibition, where, aside from the work of ten talented photographers, there will be plenty of free drinks on display.
  • Next, we’ll hole up at Chelsea Market for the opening night of Re:Mix Lab, featuring free live music, DJ sets, and most importantly, rumored free alcohol.
  • And while this next one’s not exactly FREE, it would appear The Stellan is hosting an Oktoberfest event tonight; apparently you’ll only have to fork over $10 for free beer and snacks, which, if true, sounds like the greatest deal ever.

  • “First of all, we don’t need to discuss why Bill Murray is incredible, Megan. It’s just a known fact. Second of all, I missed the coffee and am still kind of drunk and/or don’t feel like learning today.” Okay, well how about some mind-melting music? Snoop Dogg (Lion?) at the Wellmont Theatre should do the trick.
  • Or maybe you’d prefer a show that’s cheaper by $5, in which case you should check out the Gossip show at Brooklyn Bowl.
  • OR for half of THAT price, you could catch The Milk Carton Kids at 92Y! (You can check out our interview with them here, where we discuss hot-button issues like milk preferences and clarinet regret.)
  • “I have zero dollars, Megan. Zero.” Well then you’re all set to go spelunking in the MLB Fan Cave tonight, where Talib Kweli is putting on a free show. STALAC-TIGHT!

FRIDAY

  • Let’s show this weekend who’s boss by hitting up Chelsea Market for more free music and free booze tonight. (Did you guys hear that? Somewhere, Tony Danza just whispered, “I am. I am the boss.”)
  • Or maybe you’d prefer free cake to free booze, in which case I’d suggest this Big Fat Blawg Birthday party at the Diamond Bar; get there early to enjoy chocolate stout cake with caramel butter cream frosting by Ovenly, and take advantage of the $2 beer special from 9-10pm.
  • Watching your weight? Then maybe skip that last thing and instead head to Pacha for a free show by Le Castle Vania! Just make sure to get there before midnight, or else you’ll have to pay to get in. “How much would I have to pay?” I don’t know, and I’m too lazy to Google it. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY.
  • And while this one’s not technically free, it IS cheap, and I DO know how much it’ll run you; you can check out Har Mar Superstar at the Knitting Factory for just $5.
  • OR use that $5 to go watch Kitty Pryde not walk through solid objects at 285 Kent Avenue.
  • “Yeah right, Megan, I already spent that $5 on a Hot-N-Ready® Pizza from Little Caesar’s.” You must be telling the truth, because you used that little R with the circle around it. Well, since you already ate just over your daily calorie allotment in one go, I bet you won’t mind losing your appetite at this Obscura Society event titled The Powerful Corpse; the talk covers all kinds of fascinatingly gross things, like how criminals’ bodies used to be offered up for scientific dissection purposes! Uplifting!

  • Now that we’re sufficiently disturbed by that lecture, let’s go drown our emotional scars at this urban pumpkin picking event! “What is urban pumpkin picking, Megan?” Urban pumpkin picking is where you go to a bar, pay $49, and pick ten pumpkin beers (from a total of sixteen) to drink. Don’t worry, you won’t have to cram all that alcohol into your liver in one go; you can snag a passport that will allow you to pick and choose at your leisure until November 1st.
  • Although if you DID drink all those pumpkin beers in one sitting, you’d probably be in good shape to laugh your face off at this already-funny edition of The Soundtrack Series at Le Poisson Rouge, this time featuring Janeane Garofalo, Rob Tannenbaum and more!
  • Do you already miss Talib Kweli, though? Well you’ve got another opportunity to catch him tonight with The Roots at the Capitol Theatre!
  • But I’d also like you to forget everything I just said, because this Sabrina the Teenage Witch party is happening at the Bell House; it’s the September edition of Party Like It’s 1999, and it’s going to be a TOTALLY WITCHIN’ TIME!

SATURDAY

  • I don’t know about you, but I typically think of Saturdays as Faturdays. It’s only fitting, then, that we should start the day off at this Le Taste of France event, where we’ll stuff our American faces with all sorts of French fare. Participating chefs include Jacques Pepin and Marc Murphy, so you know the food will probably be pretty tops. PLUS there will be a French Bulldog show! See also: NOUS ALLONS.
  • If French cuisine’s not so much your thing, though, then maybe Taiwanese is? In which case let’s head to Astoria for a demonstration on how to make zong zi; that way we can stop having to buy them from that one old lady who coughs all the time on Grand and Chrystie!

  • “That’s all great, but when are we getting to the alcohol, Megan?” Well, right now I guess. You can swing by The West’s 2nd Anniversary Party for free beer, cocktails, wine and food, which sounds kind of too good to be true, but I’m not going to question it.
  • Of course, let’s not forget about the Chelsea Market Re:Mix experience, where we can go for a third night in a row to take advantage of free music AND free booze.
  • For even MORE free booze, let’s pay a mere $7 for Breakout Sessions VI, where we’ll hear lots of live performances while enjoying free beer AND free open bar ALL NIGHT LONG.
  • Or if you’re more into the smooth taste of Bud Light Lime (I have never had it before, so it may or may not actually taste smooth), maybe go drink a lot of that for free at this Swizz Beatz show.
  • Okay, no more free booze. Instead, let’s recharge our livers and focus on free music for a while; at the Global Festival, for instance, you can catch Neil Young, the Foo Fighters and the Black Keys for ZERO DOLLARS.
  • There’s also a free Lenny Kravitz show today, but chances are you didn’t score a wristband. I say that because I assume all Lenny Kravitz fans are also Hunger Games fans, and I just feel like weird, scary things would go down in the fight to get a space at the show. So thanks for that, Microsoft; you’ve (probably) inspired the killer Cato in all of us.

  • Since we can’t see Lenny Kravitz, let’s fill the void with 8-bit vibes at this free Anamanaguchi show.
  • OR, there’s always the DJ Set route, in which case let’s head to this free one by TEETH, presented by ‘Sup Magazine. THAT’S WHAT’S ‘SUP.
  • Of course, if you’ve got a spare $10 lying around that hasn’t already been promised to Pizza Hut’s Any Pizza Deal, then you could also just go see Lavender Diamond with Helado Negro at Glasslands!

SUNDAY

  • Here’s the part of the day where you have to dive head-first into food to find out if you’re really hungry or really nauseous, because sometimes when you’re really hungover (read: always) it’s really hard to tell. To test the waters, we’re going to the 9th Annual Bubby’s Pie Social, not just because pies are delicious even in the most hungover or nauseous of contexts, but because the beverages provided are the best hangover vanquishers of all time: coffee and seltzer water.
  • Assuming we haven’t blorched yet, let’s slowly work our way up to other kinds of food besides pies. For instance, we could ease back into dairy at this lesson on how to make ice cream from edible flowers, where you’ll learn about which varieties of flowers are safe to pick and eat. If you’ve seen or read Into the Wild, though, you’re probably pretty afraid of all wild plants, and so you might want to skip this one altogether. *Shakes fist at the ghost of Chris McCandless for ruining the sport of foraging for everyone.*
  • Or MAYBE you’re just ready to punch your nausea in the face in a big way, in which case you might be brave enough to go to this Cupcakes and Vino event; there you’ll make and eat tons of cupcakes while sipping (read: chugging) wine. (And if it’s red wine, I hope for all of us that your bravery doesn’t backfire. I have seen many a vomit comet, and red wine is always the worst to clean up.)

  • “I think I would like to trick my hangover by drinking more alcohol, Megan.” Well, that’s a good trick until you realize you’re a full-blown alcoholic who’s been postponing a hangover for like, eight years and counting, but I’ll enable it by sending you to this even called Totally Badass Sunday. I don’t even really have to tell you what’s going to happen there since it’s already apparent that whatever it is will be totally badass, BUT if you must know, $10 gets you and a guest a free glass of Prosecco, as well as a ravioli tasting. BUDGET-FRIENDLY!
  • And before we get TOO tipsy, let’s make a mental note to say sayonara to Dekalb Market; they’ll host a free event featuring musical performances by Sinkane and Dinowalrus, PLUS there will be a moon bounce, which is awesome. “What do you mean TOO tipsy, Megan? I only had one glass of Prosecco.” Clearly you never watched that one episode of Saved by the Bell, then, because otherwise you’d know that one sip is all it takes to crash Lisa Turtle’s mom’s car.

  • Speaking of that one episode of Saved by the Bell, all that trouble could’ve easily been avoided had they JUST TAKEN THE BUS. And then maybe they’d join us today in visiting the NYC Transit Museum’s Bus Festival, where we’d all celebrate buses together.
  • “Why would I ever celebrate a bus, Megan? Buses are the lowest form of public transportation, and they are basically the worst.” This might be true, but you know whose fault it is that we have to ride buses? Adam and Eve’s. I mean, when you think about it, every terrible thing can be traced directly back to them, so let’s go find out where the eff the Garden of Eden was in the first place at this lecture. Once we find out the answer, we can all go there and shake our fists menacingly and set apples on fire or something.

So hopefully we didn’t let the free alcohol beat us this weekend, but even if we did, we can just blame our new favorite scapegoats Adam and Eve! And before you go yelling at me for forgetting to include something, please note that I, too, will just point you in the general direction of Adam and Eve, and/or the comments section, and/or Twitter (@BYTNYC) to file a proper complaint.

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