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There are a lot of book-related events this weekend, and while there’s probably a very logical reason for this, I am (as usual) too lazy to Google it. As a result, I’ve invented a very illogical reason for why everyone feels like appreciating books so hard over the next few days. And it goes like this: Once upon a time (on Monday), there was a Kindle rebellion the likes of which had never been seen! The devices refused to show anything but novels by E.L. James and it was the worst ever; this uprising was thus forever known as “Fifty Shades of Dismay.” From that day on, people restored their faith in non-electronic books and lived happily ever after or something. Anyway, regardless of the reasoning behind the book parties, you’re still going to have to look at all these book-themed GIFs from The Pagemaster, and/or consider going to the following events:

THURSDAY

  • There’s been a void in my life ever since the Olympics ended, just like I’m sure there’s been a void in librarians’ lives ever since Kindles came on the market. Let’s fill these voids TOGETHER at the Librarian Olympics tonight; for just $5 you can watch real live librarians go head to head in deadly challenges like pencil sharpening, book trivia AND MORE.
  • Speaking of book trivia, Slice Magazine is putting on a FREE evening of literary trivia, so wrangle up your nerd friends and head to 61 Local for a BATTLE OF THE BRAINS.
  • Or maybe you would rather sit back and appreciate books peacefully (rather than publicly humiliate a room full of illiterate buffoons), in which case I vote you head to The Moon’s presentation of A Tribute to Books! at Public Assembly. I don’t know EXACTLY what you can expect to find there, but I bet it involves being glad about books!
  • But if you’d prefer to appreciate one of books’ arch nemeses (aka WATER) instead, head to the North Brooklyn Boat Club for Rock the Pulaski; this is a $5 benefit concert for Brooklyn’s waterways or something, and there will be games, food, drinks, and a lot of bands I’ve never heard of but that I’m (kind of) sure are (probably) good!

  • “I’m more into firewater than water-water, Megan.” Okay, then I vote you head to this Dogfish Head-sponsored talk entitled How Beer Changed Everything, a free event where you’ll learn all about the history of beer brewing. More importantly, though, you’ll get to taste some beers FO’ FREE!
  • ALSO, Diplo and Santigold are playing this Cole Haan event for all of zero dollars. Granted, you have to enter to win tickets, but maybe you’ll get super lucky or something. There’s allegedly free booze involved, so it’s worth a shot, yeah?
  • OR there’s this free Goon Docks party, which is a tribute to The Goonies that involves looping the film ALL NIGHT LONG.
  • And while this Wye Oak show is not so free, you’re at least guaranteed entry so long as you fork over $17.

FRIDAY

  • Now that we’re officially in weekend territory, I’m sure the first thing you want to do is continue appreciating books! If this is the case, head to 3rd Ward for the three B’s, aka bands, books, and most importantly, BOOZE; it’s a free event with open bar, so even if you can’t read good you should probably still go.
  • Speaking of “can’t read good,” you could also check out this Derelicte Fashion Show presented by BBQ Films; they’ll be screening Zoolander while you hang out with male models and alcohol!
  • And if you require more alcohol and/or less male models, go hit up the open bar situation at AMERICAN CANDY: Rock Comedy! This event is self-described as a “hilarious evening of comedy,” which is a relief, because I prefer hilarious comedy to non-hilarious comedy.

  • Or if you don’t feel like forking over the $20 admission to see the previously mentioned hilarious comedy, spend $5 at this Equinox Art Party instead; you can pretend to enjoy looking at art while you drink and eat for free!
  • “Are you implying I am 1) poor, and/or 2) unsophisticated, Megan?” Well, yeah, but if you feel like proving me wrong then you can head to this $30 Grenache tasting, which I thought might be some kind of delicious snack food until I Googled it, thus proving that I, too, am poor and/or unsophisticated.
  • Are you ready to embrace our proper pauper status yet? GOOD because there’s a free MNDR DJ set tonight at Public Assembly!
  • “On the contrary, Megan. I never said I was ready to embrace my current state of poverty, and instead I would prefer to live in denial by spending $20 I don’t actually have.” Well why didn’t you say so?! There’s this Gang Gang Dance show that costs EXACTLY $20 tonight!
  • OR, if you’re looking for something more in the $12 range, I vote you head to Mercury Lounge for this Laetitia Sadier / Orca Team show. (I will not be in attendance, because I would be too distracted thinking about Free Willy as a result of Orca Team’s band name.)
  • Another reason I will not be at Mercury Lounge is because I’ll be at Music Hall of Williamsburg trying to woo Michael Kiwanuka via alcoholic beverages!

SATURDAY

  • If you’re a vegan, though, you should probably skip out on that last thing and instead test the limits of your blood sugar at this Baked for BARC event at Gristle Tattoo; it’s a vegan bake sale that starts at noon and ends when supply runs out, so get there early to ensure your daily calorie intake is totally ethical or whatever!
  • Or if you’d rather keep things omnivorous, swing by Dekalb Market for the Omnivore World Tour, where chefs will be putting on masterclasses. I don’t know what a masterclass is, but it DOES remind me of this Australian show called Junior MasterChef where children ages 8-12 make you feel like an inadequate cook!
  • Not into learning? ME NEITHER! So let’s go turn our brains off and do YOGA in Brooklyn Bridge Park; when we’re done we can hit up the Flavorpill-sponsored afterparty, where we’ll drink kombucha and gain supernatural strength! (Assuming that is what kombucha does!)

  • “I would like to continue feeling relaxed, Megan.” Well nothing says relaxation like a good old fashioned quilting workshop, so let’s channel our inner Amish at the Breukelen Country Fair! “What is Breukelen, Megan?” Breukelen is the Dutch way to say Brooklyn. (I know this because on Facebook I decided to be edgy and write that I live in Breukelen, which is technically true. But now Facebook thinks I am Dutch, and says things to me like, “Beleef de unieke mix van stoere fabrieksgebouwen met nieubouw.“)
  • Or, if your idea of relaxation is having critically-acclaimed chefs cook for you, then by all means spend at least $500 on a ticket to the High Line Chefs Dinner! It’s being orchestrated by Tom Colicchio, who I happen to do really good impressions of. Here’s one: “Frankly, I was smörgåsbored.” (Tom Colicchio critiques the Swedish Chef.)
  • What? You DON’T have a spare $500 to throw around? Well fortunately for you there are plenty of other peasant-friendly events happening tonight. Take, for instance, this free Stars concert at Mercury Lounge!
  • But WAIT. Forget EVERYTHING I just said and RUN to the Bell House, because Silent Drape Runners are hosting This Party Killed You: Robyn Resurrected, aka take two of the best party concept OF ALL TIME. “I don’t know, Megan. I mean, Robyn IS good, but I’m just not 100% sold.” Well clearly we cannot be friends, but before I ask for all my stuff back, I will tell you some of the other (totally unnecessary) features of this party that make it a million times worth your while. Keywords include: GLOW STICKS. PRIZES. PARTY PANTS. DANCING. LIGHT PAINTING. SWEATERS. FRIENDSHIP. ROBYN. ROBYN. ROBYN.

SUNDAY

  • Because we danced so hard at that Robyn party last night, we can feel really good about all the calories we are about to ingest today. Provided we’ve got $55 to spare (which we DO because the Robyn party was FREE) we will first head to this Oktoberfest Pig Roast, where we will find out how much beer and how much food is really meant by “all-you-can-eat.”
  • “How many times must we go over this, Megan. I DON’T EAT PIGS.” Well 1) we must go over it many times, because bacon is an important food group, and 2) why not head to this Taste the West Village event for a little more variety? (If you just imagined that we would literally be tasting the West Village, rest assured; this is a FIGURATIVE tasting of the West Village, which is much more delicious and fun than finding out what flavors the Philip Henry Sheridan statue has to offer.) Individual tickets are $45, and will allow you to taste all kinds of amazing things from places like Ditch Plains and 16 Handles and The Meatball Shop. SO, if you are like me and harbor an irrational fear of the West Village, now’s the time to overcome it!
  • Or if you would prefer to stick to Brooklyn, swing by Post Office Bar for a light snack of beer, beef jerky and cheese, with a side order of testosterone!

  • And now that we’re in a food coma, let’s go recover by doing something lazy, like watching a movie or something! Because everyone loves Rodney Dangerfield, I vote we pop into Freddy’s Bar, where they’ll be screening Back to School, followed by Making the Grade.
  • “Great, Megan. I can just FEEL the cerebral atrophy setting in now!” You know what, you’re being a real BRAIN IN THE ASS today, but if you insist on boosting your intellect, I GUESS you can drop by the last day of the Greenpoint Film Festival.
  • OR give those synapses a workout by listening to John Kelly discuss his book about the plight of the Irish people. (I’ll be sitting in the back eating mashed potatoes and listening to B*Witched, because as a descendant of Irish people, I am allowed to do those sorts of things.)
  • “B*Witched? That is a lame band, Megan.” Umm…1) no it’s not, and 2) if you’re so cool then why don’t you just go to this Metric concert and LEAVE ME ALONE.

Did I forget to include something? Well before you go out and buy Revenge for Dummies, just tell me what’s on your mind in the comments and/or on Twitter (@BYTNYC) in 140 characters or less!

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