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Jason Griffenhagen, who is “many things to many people” returns with a vengeance to deal with “half-serbian-all-hot” actresses and “all dead-half-amusing” zombies in last week’s #1 movie in America:

Resident Evil: Extinction

Zombies and Milla – how did they manage to fuck that up?

There are things you rarely get to witness in life. Van Halen playing with David Lee Roth. George W. Bush reading a book. An octogenarian menage a trois *. Unfortunately, I can cross “boring zombie flick” off of that list, seeing as I had to sit through the snoozer that is Resident Evil: Extinction.

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This is evidently, and surprisingly, the third edition of the video game inspired series. The threadbare plot involves an evil scientist from the Umbrella Corporation who is simultaneously trying to domesticate the zombies that have taken over the planet, whlist hunting down Milla Jovovich’s character Alice. Ms. Jovovich, meanwhile, joins up with a scrappy band of survivors who decide to make their way to Alaska because of the rumor of zombie-free land up in them thar hills. They make a stopover in Las Vegas, where everything that happens there should have stayed there(i.e. on the cutting room floor).

Throughout the course of its thin 95 minutes, the film manages to rip-off and rehash every zombie film you’ve ever seen before, and also accomplishes the not so easy task of making it fairly boring. From the Day of The Dead “nice sentient zombie”, to the Land of the Dead “giant zombie killing truck”, all the way to a flock of killer crows, ala Hitchcock’s The Birds, not one convention goes unused. There is also, of course, the Guy Who Gets Infected And Doesn’t Tell Anyone Until He Turns Into A Zombie At An Inopportune Moment. Its as if the screenwriter was lifting the plot from a “choose your own zombie adventure” book. Although, that might have been better.

The films saving grace, or graces, as it were, are the two leads played by Ms. Jovovich and Ali Larter(Heroes). Lovely and tuff**, they are always watchable onscreen, even when given not much more to do then run around the desert in strangely sexy post-apocalyptic garter belt/western trenchcoat ensembles. In addition, the movie begins AND ends with Milla in the nude, which somehow makes me long for another episode in this worthless saga.

If you’re looking for a good zombie movie to see, avoid this one like you would avoid, well, a plague of zombies. Both circumstances will make you feel the same, anyways: like your brain has been sucked out.

Next Week: The Rock gets wacky with a kid, but not in a funny way, in The Game Plan, and the first of the “Iraq” action/political films, the Kingdom. Til then, I’m not telling anyone about this zombie bite in the hopes that it will heal by itself. Stay hungry, kids. …Braaaaaaainss…

*although, I’m sure there is a website devoted wholly to this. 803some.net, methinks.

** with 2 effs, no less.

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