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In which Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy , sharp dresser, and starlet) reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend, and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good. This week we continue with:

Wild Hogs

Almost positive that it was one step away from being called “Wylde Hogz”

I have a question for you, you fearless film freaks! Do you like to make money? Sure, we all do! I have the best way to do it, too! Make a film featuring middle-aged male movie stars and put them on motorcycles! It worked for Ghost Rider, and this week it worked for Wild Hogs. I bet if we get Alan Thicke, Ted Danson, Chevy Chase and Wayne Brady, put them in leather jackets, and slap them on Harleys, people will just eat that shit up like tapioca pudding! Don’t like tapioca? Too bad, cause that’s what we’re serving.

This week, the ovine American public chose the “what-the-hell-let’s-go-ahead-and-call-it-a-comedy” called Wild Hogs*, featuring John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H. Macy as the number one box office hit. This is essentially a mid-life crisis road trip film about 4 semi-emasculated dudes trying to reclaim their balls by riding on motorcycles, wearing do-rags, and getting in situations where people think they’re gay.

Now luckily enough, instead of introducing the characters through dialog, the director chooses to introduce each character through the use of title cards. A clever film device, indeed. I should know. A lot of students did it in my film production class freshman year of college. As is the case with every Hollywood road trip movie, the characters have to meet over beers and yell out “ROAD TRIP!” right after discussing the various life problems that causes them to embark on said road trip.

Their problems are as follows:
1. Mr. Macy falls down. A lot. Although this is unfortunate, it certainly is hilarious! Especially to six year old boys with slight mental retardation.

2. Mr. Allen can’t eat bacon or gravy, and instead has to eat salads. I know what you’re saying…”But Jason, REAL MEN don’t eat salads!!! They eat beef jerky and shoot things, all while looking at posters of scantily clad women with large breasts selling domestic beer!” I KNOW! You don’t have to tell me. I just did all three of those things in the past five minutes. And yes, ladies. I am single.

3. Mr. Lawrence’s wife yells at him. And he’s a janitor. That’s about it.

4. Mr. Travolta’s bankrupt, and his wife left him. This could possibly be the only valid reasons presented in this movie to actually go through a midlife crisis. Although he obviously hasn’t seen my therapist, who says that running away from our problems doesn’t really solve anything, but works pretty well for the characters in this film. My therapist also says I should stop cutting myself, but fuck him! I need to feel something, ANYTHING!

Ahem. Please disregard that last statement. Anyways…

They depart on a road trip, which for most of the movie consists of them getting into situations where people think they’re gay(which we all know IS HYSTERICAL!!! There’s nothing funnier than being A GAY! HA!!!), and long scenes of motorcycle riding set to classic rock tunes**.

I guess the filmmakers decided they should at least pretend to have some sort of a plot so they bring along the Bad Guy Biker Gang, called the Del Fuegos. The leader of the BGBG is Ray Liotta, who plays “menacing” in this film by screaming THE ENTIRE TIME!!! I’M NOT KIDDING!!! ALL HE DOES IS YELL HIS WAY THROUGH EVERY SCENE!!! Someone tell Mr. Liotta to get his tux ready, because I’m sure Oscar nods are forthcoming.

Then there’s some bullshit plot point lifted directly from the Three Amigos about them saving a stupid little town from the BGBG, and Marisa Tomei shows up, basically to say three lines, make out with Mr. Macy, and stand around looking way too hot to even be in this film. In addition to all this, and has been spelled out in the Screen Actor’s Guild constitution Section A-24: In Reference to Films Featuring Motorcycles, Peter FUCKING Fonda has to have a cameo.

At least his cameo actually provided me something approximating a chuckle; which is saying something. Because when a film purports to be a comedy and the funniest thing in it is a clichéd cameo or the ubiquitous “fat guy” or “fat girl” singing a Karaoke version of “Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.”, your “comedy” has serious problems.

NEXT WEEK – me oh my…300! I’m hoping it will be good, but something inside me is a little wary of a film that looks to be about 75% slow motion shots. Til then…Remember this: you keep saying you like getting banged in the butt without lube, they certainly aren’t gonna run out to CVS to buy K-Y warming lotion. Stay safe, childrens.

*Aren’t Wild Hogs just called boars? Or am I hallucinating?

**Sidenote about the music: I think it’s an actual law now that if there’s a scene where people are putting out a fire, and it’s a ZANY comedy, there must be fast bluegrass music featuring a banjo playing in the background. Look it up. I’m sure of it.

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