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In which Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy ,
sharp dresser, and starlet)
reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend,
and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good.

This week , after a rather critically dismal 3 week run of Ghost Rider, Number 23 and Wild Hogs, a glimmer of hope last week with (frank miller’s) 300 (wchich incidentally stayed number 1 this week, just as Jason predicted, with Wild Hogs trailing in second place, we continue (spirits barely holding up) with this week’s # 3 movie:

PREMONITON

I had one of those before I saw this. Take a wild guess what it was.

Hey guys. I’m frightened. I’m scared. In fact, I’m fucking petrified. I keep having the sneaking suspicion that I’m going to wake up tomorrow, and its going to be Sunday, and I won’t have yet had the interminable experience of watching Premonition. The only solace is the fact that maybe I’ll have woken up and it will be Saturday, because that night there’s an awesome rock’n’roll show at DC9*. I think I need to sit down and have a drink. Maybe two. I don’t know. I guess it depends on what day it is tomorrow. I’ll just assume its going to be one of my days off and drink the rest of this bottle of Jack Daniels. Which I probably should have done before going to the theater.

As predicted, this week’s Hollywood offal offering, Premonition, starring Sandra Bullock, did not overtake 300 in the box office. Little did I know that it would be so terrible that it wouldn’t even lure enough movie goers to overtake Wild Hogs. Jesus people, sweet Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you? And by people, I mostly mean the employees of the soulless marketing firms who somehow get the American public to believe that they need and want to see this trash. Meh. Enough ranting…

Premonition is the genius combination of a Twilight Zone episode and a chick-flick. Ms. Bullock evidently enjoys doing these types of movies. I seem to remember the last film she did had something to do with her mailing letters to some dude named Neo or something who lived either 2 years in the future or 2 years in the past. I may be mixing up movies, but I think he gets into a phone booth that will blow up if it goes less than 55 miles per hour, then Abraham Lincoln and Socrates are there, and after that she goes undercover as a recovering addict or some shit. I don’t know, everything’s bleeding together.

I can hear the Elevator Pitch given by the coked-up producers of this film: “Imagine Memento crossed with Groundhog Day, starring that chick from Miss Congeniality!” Although, it is neither as thrilling as Memento nor funny as Groundhog Day. In fact, it is so boring, its not even as funny as Memento or thrilling as Groundhog Day. Watching Premonition is like peeling a rotten onion. You go through many, many tedious layers, and cry a lot, before you realize the core of it is black, full of maggots, and ultimately not very tasty. Although, saying the core of this film is full of maggots would imply that it was at least interesting in some way.

Essentially the entire movie is based around the tired plot device that Ms. Bullock is living an extremely eventful week in her life**, but is living it out of order. It’s a good thing that she gets out a flipchart and a magic marker and lays out the entire plot, day-by-day, in the middle of the movie, otherwise I may have gotten confused***.

The entire time I was watching this pablum, I was wondering how much different it would have played if the film was showed in chronological order. I came to the conclusion that it would have been perfect for Lifetime television, and wouldn’t really have offered me any more insight about the characters, or even changed the plot all that much. Although, it may have been helpful to get the PoCK out of the way at the beginning of the film instead of the end. Who, incidentally, isn’t a Professor of Convenient Knowledge, but a Priest of Convenient Knowledge. Apart from the gratuitous coffin falling on the ground and head-falling-off-the-corpse scene, the PoCK gave me the biggest laugh of the entire movie.

Take a deep breath…because he said this:

“The world is full of unexplained phenomena. Nobody knows why.”

Gee, genius. I think nobody knows why because its FUCKING UNEXPLAINED! I can only assume that the screenwriter was trying to Punk everybody, sans Ashton. Its either that or a monkey wrote this. Or manatees. I’ve heard they’re good at pushing random plot points around.

The one good thing that came out of watching Premonition is that it has given me my Next Great Idea. I have decided that I really need to write my own script. I have the plot all laid out. This dude like, lives the same hour over and over again, and then he goes crazy, until he figures out stuff by talking to his high school guidance counselor, then, at the end, he gets married whilst killing someone. Oh, also, there’s a beheading, and possibly a motorcycle explosion, and definitely some boobies. The only thing is, I haven’t decided on the order of it yet. Not that the order really matters, cause today’s Hollywood films have no idea how to pace anything, build suspense, or have an ending that doesn’t patronize the audience. On the plus side, I’m definitely gonna make some bank! Three cheers for me!

Next week: An entire smorgasbord of films! In fact, most of them look semi-interesting: Adam Sandler plays serious again in Reign Over Me; a movie that would have been totally tubular when I was 12, TMNT; Mark Wahlburg has a big gun, but not in his pants, in Shooter; and the movie I really want to see, The Hills Have Eyes II, which almost assures it of not doing well. Til then, pray for me, kids, cause this column is slowly sapping the life out of me.

*I know. It’s a completely shameless plug. Death by Sexy…DC9…this Saturday March 24th. Be there and soothe my beerdrunk soul.

**Her husband dies, she falls on a dead bird, she takes a lot of showers, does some laundry. Then she goes to see a shrink, and its Peter Stormare. And, incidentally, I wouldn’t exactly feel comfortable getting psychiatric help from Mr. Stormare. It wouldn’t be good for my fragile psyche.

***Although, I think the filmmakers did. One of her daughters runs into a glass window on Tuesday in the movie. The first day shown is Thursday, and surprise! She is sans facial scars. Note to Continuity Advisor: I don’t know about you, but I’m easily confused. That’s why I write stuff down.

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