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In which Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy , sharp dresser, and rapscallion) reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend, and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good. Its June already and it is “movie I am actually looking forward to time”:

(illustration by Evan Keeling)

“Knocked Up”

Who knew crowning could be so hilarious?

As many of you know, I certainly love the whiskey. My poison of choice is Jack Daniels, but that’s mainly because I’m legally obligated to drink only that, as per the contract I signed when I joined a rock band. But I’m not picky. Kentucky Gentleman, or even Rebel Yell will do me right every now and again. That being said, I’m sure all of you have been in situations where drinking too much causes you to have intimate relations with a person you normally would never even consider shaking hands with, let alone locking crotches and swapping gravy. Therein lies the reason for my love of drinking whiskey. Although my judgment gets hazier than a Volkswagen Van at Bonnaroo, a certain condition arises when I drink it to excess, and if Seth Rogen’s character drink of choice was the same as mine, he never would have gotten Katherine Heigl pregnant in the film Knocked Up. Although there wouldn’t be a movie, so I guess its all for the best.

Now you non-whiskey drinkers may not know the condition I speak of. It’s a little friend that visits me every once in a blue moon called Whiskey Richard. He’s a good guy and is always looking out for me. The best part is, he lets you talk a good game. You get to say supersuave, romantic things like, “I want to make sex on you.” Or even, “Hey, Sugartits, I’m going to make your pussy come with my hands and fingers.” When in reality, everyone knows that the resulting action will be more like putting a wet, deflated balloon through a Krispy Crème donut: not very satisfying, but hey! At least the icing is tasty. Although it threatens my manhood (slightly), it does allow me the peace of mind to know that I’m not getting any Gollums* pregnant. So I thank you, W.R., you are always looking out for me and that’s wonderful.

Well, this situation obviously didn’t arise* in the film “Knocked Up” the newest comedy from the amazing Judd Apatow. Mr. Apatow specializes in making intensely raunchy, but ultimately heartwarming films, and he’s very good at it. Knocked Up is no exception.

It’s the tale of a young unemployed stoner, named Ben Stone, who somehow lucks out at a bar and hooks up with the unbelievably smokin’ hot Miss Heigl. She is obviously WAY out of his league, but as they say, although alcohol is the great equalizer, it also makes you not care about little details like putting on a condom. Mr. Rogen then implants his foul bong water soaked seed inside her, and to everyone’s surprise and dismay, Ms. Heigl gets pregnant. The rest of the film plays out as a kind of literal version of the Odd Couple. The dilemma isn’t whether or not they are going to keep the baby, its whether they should even be a couple, given the circumstances.

What ensues after that is easily not only the funniest movie you will see all year, but possibly the also the most heartwarming. I know! A feel good movie with dick jokes. It doesn’t get any better than that.

I may just have a warm, trembling, soft spot in my loins for anything Apatow***, but everything he’s ever done ranks up with my favorites ever. Starting off with Freaks & Geeks, continuing on with Undeclared, and then on with the 40 year old virgin and now Knocked up… everything he touches turns into comedy gold. I think this comes from the fact that nothing ever seems forced in his movies, and it all comes from a real place. Much like Christopher Guest does with his films, Apatow uses the same troupe of actors. Many of the supporting roles in this movie are people you’ve seen in all of his other projects. There’s a familiarity that translates directly to the screen.

Admittedly, Knocked Up tends towards sentimentality at the end, but in a movie so consistently hilarious and heartfelt, what does it matter? I know I left the movie theater not feeling like someone had just given me a Baltimore Suitcase****, which is much more than I can say for recent summer films I’ve seen. I’m probably going to go see it again! I felt so good that I’m thinking about switching from Jack Daniels to plain old Miller Highlife*****. Watch out, world, Whiskey Richard might be going on sabbatical for awhile, and there possibly could be a bunch of Little Lord Jaysons running around. God help us all.

Next Week: The Clooney and Pitt Pack comese back for another round of smarminess in Ocean’s Thirteen. Either that or Hostel Part II will give an entire new generation of serial killers ideas. BTW – Someone should tell Eli Roth that this publicity shot(NSFW)

isn’t exactly the best way to get ANYBODY to come to your film. Til then, its time to make the donuts, boys and girls.

*This is in no way a slight on women. I’m sure all of you ladies have had your share of Cave Trolls as well. In fact, I’m certain that I’m good friends with most of them. Here’s a shout out to my boys!

**ha.

***My friend’s fiancée posited that the reason I like All Things Apatow so much is that my friends and I speak exactly like everyone in all of his films all the time. Which is to say, a lot of gay jokes and doody humor.

****Don’t know what a Baltimore Suitcase is? Email me: [email protected] for the answer!

*****the champagne of beers. And by champagne, I’m sure they mean the 6 dollar stuff you can buy at CVS.

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