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Jason (of Death by Sexy) for sure ranks up with some of our favoritest (not to mention most hilarious.est) contributors and when he approached us with this novel concept: I’d like to review(post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend, and tell everyone why its fucking terrible. or good. but mostly I want to analyze why it was number one at the box office that week. what do you think? …We slowly wiped out our tears of Joy and let him at it.

Today (and in his own words, unfortunately, a week after “Norbit” was released) he starts out with:

10 Reasons Why “Ghost Rider” isn’t as bad as you think it is. (weekend gross: 51 million and change)

well, it probably is as bad as you think. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun.

1a. Flaming Motorcycles
b. Flaming Skeletons
c. Flaming Horses
– Anything on fire is inherently cool. Especially if its something manly and badass like motorcycles and skeletons. The only thing missing was a flaming snake. That would have ruled.

2. Sam Elliott.
-more specifically, sam elliott’s uber-western, cigar harshed, basso profundo voice. It doesn’t particularly matter that the dialogue he’s saying is completely hackneyed and awful. It still sounds hardcore when he says it. You can practically smell the Old Grandad coming off the screen.

3. Nick Cage’s Crazy Face

LOVE IT.

4. Eva Mendes’ cleavage

-DOUBLE LOVE IT.

5. Peter Fonda plays Satan.
-nothing much more to say here. Except, it seems fairly appropriate that if Peter Fonda were Satan, he would make a biker his bounty hunter. Captain America? exactly.

6. Donal Logue saying “Gravy train with biscuit wheels.”
-gotta love any movie who has Mr. Logue play a semi-retarded southern mechanic best friend. Plus, anyone who actually says that line get big bonus points.

7. Nick Cage’s star power:
– I.E. the only reason there’s a scene where, for no particular reason his character eats jelly beans out of a Martini glass, watches videos of a Monkey doing kung-fu, all while listening to the Carpenters. rad.

8. Wes Bentley is the villian.
-Yup, the floating bag dude from American Beauty is playing the uber-evil bad guy. So inappropriate, and so wonderful to hear the guy who said stuff like…”I was filming this bird, because its beautiful.” SCREAM out “I am legion!” whilst the souls of the dead fly into his mouth.

9. The complete wavering back and forth between super-hamming-it-up I AM EVIL overacting to light romantic comedy, to this-is-supposed-to-be profound hero speeches, all within the space of 4 minutes.
– Its called pacing kids. Somehow, it doesn’t matter, though! It just makes all the more cooler.

10. Explosions!
-nothin’ better than explosions!

So there you go. I wouldn’t particularly recommend seeing this in the theater unless you are stuck in Harrisburg with about 4 hours to kill. Wait for it to come out on video, buy a bunch of 40s, and enjoy it with your manliest of manly friends. PS…if you are a girl, you will probably HATE this movie. So be forewarned. You’ll probably have to drink a lot more to enjoy it.

Your faithful movie reviewer,
Jason

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