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In which Jason Griffenhagen (of Death by Sexy ,
sharp dresser, and starlet)
reviews (post-release) whatever movie was number 1 in the box office the previous weekend,
and tells everyone why its fucking terrible. or good.

This week THE INEVITABLE HAPPENS: a potent combination of Wil Farrel, Ice Skating, Sequins (and that kid from Napoleon Dynamite, WINS!)

Blades of Glory

No Bon Jovi theme song, but fuck it, we’ve got Bo Bice!

Hello, popcorn munchers! Do you know how when a dog is continually beaten, the dog just accepts the beatings as a fact of life? And then when the SPCA comes and saves the animal, and treats it well, it doesn’t know how to react to not being beaten all the time? Well that’s how I feel now after weeks and weeks of terrible films, then seeing Blades of Glory. I’m all out of sorts, but in a pleasant way. Kind of like when I was 14 and I smoked all those banana peels.

Blades of Glory, starring Will Ferrell and Jon Heder, is the new figure skating comedy that does a consistently hilarious job of sending up the bedazzled and aquanetted world that is professional skating. It also continues the winning formula of having Will Ferrell act like a jackass in some easily lampooned profession. Although not as good as the near-classic Anchorman*, it does provide more laughs than the not-nearly-as-funny-as-everyone-seems-to-remember Talladega Nights. I’m not sure how much more mileage Mr. Ferrell can get out of playing loutish Lotharios, but it seems to be working well for him. Plus he’s funny as shit when he does it, so as my HMO says, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

The unimportant story involves Mr. Heder as Jimmy McElroy, a fey lad raised from birth to be the archetypal men’s figure skater, and Mr. Ferrell as Chazz Michael Michaels**, an “Ice Devouring Sex Tornado forged in the fires of Motown”. In a scene quite reminiscent of a recent Simpson’s episode, they are banned from figure skating for fighting and, in what seemed to be a theme in the movie, seriously injuring a cute cartoon character mascot. Obviously, they find a loophole in which they can return to figure skating as the first male pairs team, but to win the coveted gold medal, they must master the Triple-Lindy inspired Iron Lotus move. From the commercials*** I was expecting the film to be one long gay joke, but much to my delight, they played that part down as much as humanly possbile, and focused on the other, more serious, areas of skating, like the outlandish and perfectly ridiculous costumes.

Blades of Glory won’t get an Oscar nomination for the costumes, but only because the academy evidently feels you have to be a period piece about a magical retard in order to get that honor. I can only imagine the designer’s giddiness when confronted with the mouth-watering task of designing over the top skating costumes for a comedy starring Mr. Ferrell. The highlights include the Urban Skate Wear, and the blue, white, and purple pastel winter wonderlands that are Mr. Heder’s day-to-day ensembles.

What also shines as bright as the sequins and rhinestones is the supporting cast, especially Will Arnett(Gob from Arrested Development) & Amy Poehler(SNL) as an evil brother-sister skating duo, Nick Swardson(the gay roller skating dude on Reno! 911) as a Jimmy-Stalker, and surprisingly, Jim Lampley, who offers some of the funnier lines in his play-by-play call of the skating action. They all do a much better job than the supporting cast in Talladega Nights, which should have been a lot better due to their pedigree, but this ain’t a review of that movie, anyways.

So chalk up another decent comedy for Mr. Ferrell. And chalk up the first movie I’ve reviewed this year that I actually whole-heartedly recommend people see. In the meantime, be on the lookout for Mr. Ferrell’s next film, where he’ll play a lumberjack, beauty pageant coach, or maybe even the world’s best Air Guitar player. Not that it particularly matters, because when you are as funny as he is, I’m sure you even could wring belly laughs out of being in a concentration camp. Oh wait…didn’t some other dude do that already****?

Next Week: fuck all y’all I ‘m going to see Grindhouse. If hardcore gangsta rapper Ice Cube in Are We Done Yet? takes the number one, I’m personally keying every minivan I see for the next three months. Til then, I’ll be shining my skates to pictures of Rose McGowan with a machine gun for a leg. Is that so wrong? Stay safe, kids.

*The reason Anchorman is a classic is because Judd Apatow directed it. If you don’t know, this guy’s resume includes Freaks & Geeks, Undeclared, and the Forty Year Old Virgin. Which is why I’m as giddy as a pretty little school girl for his next film, Knocked Up.

** Personally, I love any character whose first scene in a movie is set to Billy Squire’s seminal classic, “The Stroke”.

***Which feature lines and parts of the film that don’t actually happen in the movie. I can only assume they’ll appear in the absolutely necessary Blades of Glory: Kick-Ice Iron Lotus Edition.

****I believe it was Steven Spielburg with his zany slapstick comedy Schindler’s List.