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Fourth of July always brings out the patriotism in people, be it in the form of setting off illegal fireworks in your backyard or donning that skimpy star-bangled bikini you just bought at Target. So in the theme of patriotism, here are some “patriotic” novelty Twitter accounts to brighten your day.

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Pimp B. Clinton: We all love Bill Clinton no matter what he did with Monica. I mean, look at those puppy dog eyes. The love for Mr. Clinton shines through in this parody account where he’s a foul-mouth, cocaine-loving butthole. If you like nasty jokes, he’s your man. But there is some truth in his tweets, such as “It should be legal to curb stomp that guy at every party playing the acoustic guitar.” Couldn’t have said it better, Bill. The best part is the background and profile picture, which really brings the message of the account together: We all really do love Bill Clinton no matter what.


Al-Qaeda: What’s more patriotic than Al-Qaeda? Their Twitter account, that’s what. Obviously, it’s a parody account, don’t worry. Unless Al-Qaeda discusses the Superbowl and how they did not in fact cause that power outage (but they would “have pulled the plug during that obnoxious GoDaddy ad).

Suspicious Package: It isn’t easy being a suspicious package. In fact, it’s a very lonely life. This package “likes being near people, but for some reason, they always run away from [him].” But, he also enjoys all of the attention he gets, constantly retweeting all of the instances around the country where he has been found and reported about in the news. He is a proud little package.

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The Onion: What would America be without parody news sources making everyone’s day? Yeah, The Onion is technically a real thing, but it thrives on parody, so why shouldn’t it be included on this list? Their Twitter account is mostly links to their stories but the headlines are always a treat to read even if you don’t feel like reading the whole article. It’s the Twitter to read if you want to read about how July is the “Let Yourself Go” month (thank god).

pizza slapKeep on keepin’, America.

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