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Liza Treyger is a fantastic New York City based stand up. You may have seen her at the Bentzen Ball or on Chelsea Lately or Adam Devine’s House Party. You hopefully did not see her in a mall in Glenview, Illinois. See her Tuesday, January 20 at Caroline’s On Broadway. Use the code BREAKOUT for $5 tickets. -ed.

So, I was doing a show at the Laughing Chameleon a club that was clearly a drug front in a mall in Glenview, Illinois. Two other comics were on the show that were both very not funny. Like I don’t know who ever told them that this is what they should be doing, but hey. One is a sweet girl, the other is a monster of a man who is hated everywhere he goes. His name is Aaron and he is the worst. Besides all that, the first show of the night was great and packed and my high school dean was in the audience and it was one of my first times headlining and I was feeling super cool.

The second show of the night had 3 couples in the crowd, so 6 people. 1 couple was hot and rich, 1 couple were Russian Jews, and the last couple was Euro trash Polish coked out clubbers. The Polish couple up front was telling the other comics to get off stage, booing them, interrupting, screaming drink orders over their sets, and then I went up. One of my beliefs about comedy is it’s always the comics fault if it doesn’t go well, like what could you have done different because blaming everything else doesn’t make you better, but this was a situation where I tried everything. I tried chatting with the other couples, with the annoying couple, doing solid jokes, telling stories, insulting them a little bit but not too much, asking them to shut up, and nothing worked. They called me a cheap Jew and a lesbian and would not let me do anything and were not getting kicked out and then there was a fight.

I told them I wish more of their family was killed in the war. I honestly don’t even know what war or what I was talking about but they were not happy. I called them coked out mother fuckers and why were they even there, I told them to leave, and they tried to give me comebacks and I just kept screaming that they should learn to speak English when they mispronounced things, I told them they were scum and useless and how they’re ruining it for everyone else. I told the man it looks like he beats his girlfriend and she said they were gonna call people to kill me. The man then stood up and threatened to kill me and then took out tons of hundreds of bills and counted a ton of money and said he would pay Aaron that money to go up and for me to leave. Being the person of integrity Aaron is, he took the money and went on stage and catered to these two monsters. The other two couples left and got their money back and I apologized to them for what happened, got paid, made the bartender walk me to my car, and bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and got drunk.