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LeMaire Lee is an excellent Philadelphia based stand up. He applied to Benzen Ball 2014 and we’re glad he did. We are not glad that he drove to Baltimore for other comics. You can watch LeMaire in the web series “Here’s The Thing”. They’ll be filming their next episode in Allentown at the Alternative Art Gallery on February 21 at 4:00 p.m. -ed.

It was a snowy night in February and the show was in a suburb of Baltimore. I was feeling good, I did all the jokes I wanted to do for this show at a mic the night before and they got over. Over is a wrestling term for someone who the crowd likes. This will most likely be filled with pro wrestling terms. I’ll try to explain them as they come up. So, the jokes were over at this mic and I thought “I’m going to murder this show.”

I don’t remember the name of the place, but I do remember it was a huge bar & restaurant. My little brother was with me. We walked into this huge restaurant and we were early for the show. So, we looked around for a stage, but there was no stage. The photos we had seen of previous shows showed a stage. I’m a bit concerned we might be in the wrong place so I ask a waiter lady if she knows were the show will be held. She points to an area with a mirror and a floor with a huge beam in front of it. I say OK, sit down, order some wings and mentally prepare myself for the show. I still believe I’m going to kill because the jokes were so over the night before it would be impossible to fail.

The lady who booked the show comes in. I shake her hand. She brings a DJ, which is dope. This lady has a DJ in her entourage. It’s impressive. There was also a photographer and the host of the show. The host is some radio show hack in Baltimore. They force me to take some pictures and the DJ asks me what song I want to be introduced to. I say, “Katy Perry “Fireworks,”” he laughed and said, “I’ll find something for you.” Host tells me I’m first. I say OK. While all of this is happening the other comics on the show arrive and there is no audience. The host says we are going to start in 10 minutes and that turned into we’re starting now, get ready.

The host begins his set with “how are y’all doing,” to no one. Then he goes into some bit. He talked about Oscar Pistorius, the South African Runner with no legs who allegedly murdered his girlfriend. And he tried mightily to pronounce his last name correctly. After the hosts opening 30, he begins to bring me up. He said my name wrong after I told him 10 times the right way to say it.

The DJ didn’t choose the song I suggested. He choose something that bumped. I think it might have been Rick Ross or something like it, because large black men with bushy beards are all the same. I start to do my jokes and none of them are landing. It’s a room with only comics. No audience members, just comics. I was supposed to do 10 minutes. 3 minutes into my set, in the middle of a joke, with no warning, I hear from the speakers, “9 piece that means 8 balls.” It’s Rick Ross again but this time it’s to play me off. I get off the stage fuming. I grab my brother and we drive in the snow 90 minutes to an open mic in Harrisburg, PA. I gotta make it to this mic. My jokes aren’t that terrible and I’m not that bad of a comic. They were that terrible and I was that bad. When I got to the mic I did the same jokes, I got the same response of nothing. And then I cried in the restroom. A little bit. I made it out in time to hear a man with the voice of satan tell a terrible joke. About black people, cops, and a truck driver.

That was the worst gig. So far. I am going to Grand Rapids, MI for Gilda’s Laughfest and that might prove to be the worst thing I’ve ever done. Only time will tell.