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Have you ever spent a long lifetime at work wishing you were a mountain man in a canoe on some distant glacial runoff pulling beers and opening a can of beans with a knife you sharpened using an eagles talon? Don’t answer that, I got you.

This here is a new column dedicated to the urban outdoorsman. Dedicated to occupying some goddamn woods.

Let’s celebrate the great outdoors and set the mood right with some pictures of Mother Nature in her birthday suit. Get ready to climb to second base and pop a tent.

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Imma count down the top places to get caught climbing dirty:

Numero 10:

The ‘Breasts of Aphrodite’ in Mykonos, Greece. 

The mounds that crashed a thousand ships.


Numero 9:

Marens Patter, Denmark.

Apparently mariners would stare at Marens Patter as a landmark as early as the bronze age to guide them back home to safety and warmth and suds.


Numero 8:

Cerro Las Tetas, Salinas, Puerto Rico.

Viewing instructions via Wikipedia: “The Las Tetas peaks can be easily viewed from the rest area on Puerto Rico highway PR-52″


Numero 7: 

Twin Peaks, San Francisco, USA.

Because Twin Peaks. When the conquistadors first gazed upon Twin Peaks they named it “Los Pechos de la Chola” translating to “Breasts of the Indian Maiden”. I’m pretty sure they named everything after women’s anatomy. AND KILLED EVERYONE.


Numero 6:

San Vicente, El Salvador. 

Now if things are getting a little hot, that’s because San Vicente moonlights as a double volcano with cauldrons near each peak.


Numero 5:

Pigeon House Mountain, NSW, Australia. 

Tranquil beauty where even gravity seems to have loosened its evil grip.



Numero 4:

All of the hills in Iceland. 

If you’re into rolling perv hills and little ponies, Iceland is for you.


Numero 3:

Squaw’s Tit, Canadian Rockies, Alberta. 

This is the visual representation of ‘colder than a witches teat’.


Numero 2:

Two-breast peak in Zhenfeng County, Guizhou Province.

And on the seventh day God built this.


Numero 1

Grand Tetons, Wyoming.

“Excuse me, my sunsets are up here”

It was early French explorers that were the first to name and tickle America’s nipples in Northern Wyoming. Golf clap.

I chose the Grand Tetons as #1 because A. I was a child of the Madge 80’s B. I was born in Wyoming C. Look at those things or D. cup.


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I leave you with a quick camping pro tip: