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Photos by Candice

Jello wrestling at Phase 1 (DC’s oldest dyke bar) in Eastern Market is the most fun you’ll ever have in a kiddie pool.

There’s music! Mayhem! Sexual tension! Jello! Ding ding ding!

Bout 1: Mary Poppin’ Cherries Vs. Girl Too Cool for a Name

The wrestlers sized each other up, checked each other out, refused to shake but maybe winked. And then they lunged. This was the moment I had been waiting for. Two girls in soccer shorts and bras writhing around in what looked to be a giant cherry slushy, while Le Tigre’s The Empty blared in the background. Mary Poppin’ completely forgot her manners, body slamming, tackling and… well… humping Too Cool down into the goop.

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I was in heaven. Until Mary Poppin’ Cherries slammed a handful of the sticky red stuff into her opponent’s hair and it splattered all over my shirt. Spectators take note: you will leave covered in goo if you stand within ten feet of these crazy mamas.

Bout 2: La Sexy Morenita vs. C.G.

This match was like a Baywatch episode… if Pam Anderson suddenly turned gay and decided to roll around in a tub of jello with Yasmine Bleeth (we all can dream, can’t we). The two bikini-clad competitors shared a polite hand shake before coming out swinging. After some jello spills, bikini malfunctions and sexy dancing interludes, the two feisty fighters obliged the emcee’s request to “Act like you’re fighting over a house and cats!!” Bad romance indeed.

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The three rounds of this match left both  the competitors and crowd thoroughly exhausted. It also left a big smear of jello all over this intrepid reporter’s notebook and hair. So instead of telling you about the epic battles of Garza Strip vs. Sav Panda or Vag-atarian vs. XX I will leave you with these parting thoughts and words of advice to anyone who dares to wrestle/spectate at Phase’s incredible jello night:

1. When the hair gets whipped back, so does the jello. Duck.
2. If the emcee tells you to make out, you better.
3. Beware the jello wedgie.
4. Attempting a Karate Kid-esque crane kick will get you knocked flat on your ass.
5. “There’s nothing quite like jello for entertaining!”