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The official trailer for MTV’s The Hills: New Beginnings premiered yesterday to reveal plenty of familiar faces from the OG show, as well as Mischa Barton, for some reason. (Girl, are you lost? The only reboot I wanna see you in is The OC, but make it supernatural and gay this time. Like Olivia Wilde gets haunted by Marissa Cooper’s ghost and they rekindle their queer-baity romance for real this time. Or as real as the spirit realm allows, anyway. THE MARKET IS READY FOR THIS IN 2019, I TELLS YA!)

Anyway

I was a big Laguna Beach fan, so it only makes sense that I’d be fully on board with the spin-off series, right? WRONG! I definitely watched The Hills, but I was never fully invested, so this reboot action feels pretty yawn dot com to me. It did get me thinking about all the MTV “reality” shows of my youth, though, and I can tell you right now that there are at least four that I’d prefer to see rebooted instead. And we are going to talk about them right now!

Rich Girls (2003)

This show. THIS FUCKING SHOW. The best way I can think to describe it is “the predecessor to The Simple Life“, because it was actually the predecessor to The Simple Life; instead of Paris and Nicole out in bumfuck America, we had Ally Hilfiger (daughter of Tommy) and her best friend Jaime Gleicher beboppin’ around NYC just being their best-worst rich selves. (If that isn’t a formula for success, I don’t know what is.)

Ally had this epic meltdown (which I actually think she retrospectively blamed on Lyme disease) which I still reference (and generally think about) on a regular basis:

I’m actually not sure if she’s still friends with Jaime since I think they had a falling out with one another at some point directly after the show, but dear god, I would pay good money to see a reconciliation if we could get that back up and running. (I guess that’s kind of what RHoNY is for, but I always feel there’s room for more drama.)

Surf Girls (2003)

I should have known I would be into Dr. Pimple Popper back in 2003, which is when Surf Girls took over MTV. You may be going “What the fuck?” which tells me YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE when one of the contestants had to get her staph infected mosquito bites lanced at the doctor. (I, an intellectual, was completely unfazed.) “Wow, that was a lot of really gross information and now I feel really lost (and also a little sick), Megan!” Well, let me backtrack to state what now might be obvious from the title and my use of the word “contestants” – Surf Girls was a one-season all-female surfing competition slash reality show, and it premiered a year after the release of Blue Crush. It was SURF MANIA, BABY! But I would totally down for a reboot in 2019; if Viceland can have King of the Road, I say MTV should be able to have a renewed Surf Girls.

Cheyenne (2006)

Is Cheyenne still hanging on? (Today?) I genuinely don’t know the answer to this question, hence I would like to see a reboot. Like, what’s she (and her k00ky family) up to after that big ol’ move out to LA to pursue music industry dreams?! Wikipedia says her activity stopped after 2011. Her Instagram suggests she’s leading a normal day-to-day as a mom. That’s all well and good, but if I know American audiences, we just love to upend normal people’s lives, especially when said normal people are nostalgic figures from our past! (MTV, are you listening?! THIS IS GOLD!)

8th & Ocean (2006)

Models. Miami. MAKES SENSE. But where are they now? Did they moe on to international catwalks and editorial spreads? According to Wikipedia, “Teddy can be seen in several Kohl’s national print ads, as well as in New Found Glory’s video ‘It’s Not Your Fault’ alongside Heide. Briana is a catalog model for Bebe and has been featured in JCPenney commercials.”

Wow, successful! I would 110% like to see where these people (who were viewed as v. hot thirteen years ago) have ended up, especially if it means we can put them all under one roof again to see if they’ve still got what the cutthroat fashion industry demands!

And let’s not forget to get “Beautiful Love” by Christian rock gods (is that sacrilegious? I sure hope so!) The Afters stuck in all our heads for the rest of the day, and possibly forever!

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