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OK, so Hurricane Sandy is about to be here (or so we keep being told) and while, sure, nothing bad has happened yet, LIFE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY CANCELED. Which means-you are stuck at home with nothing but the last 12 hours of electricity you will ever have, a bulging DVD drawer and all the Netflix/on demand you can handle.

So here are some movies you SHOULD NOT WATCH in this situation:

  • WATERWORLD

If you were NOT born in the 90s you remember how THIS is the movie that ruined Kevin Costner’s career. Obscene amounts of money were spent on a post-apocalyptic story where “Earth rests below a water grave,” Dennis Hopper is EXTRA crazy, and a pre-Veronica Mars/Napoleon Dynamite Tina Majorino plays a street (water?) urchin with a map to “Dryland” tattooed on her back. If it sounds like poppycock, well, that’s because it is. Also, this is A HORRIBLE movie to watch during any notice of flood warnings, for all the obvious reasons.

  • POSTMAN

You know what? Just don’t watch ANY KEVIN COSTNER (post apocalyptic or otherwise) movies period

  • THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

So you guys, I know that the notion of spending some time with Jake Gyllenhaal (and Dennis Quaid, for that matter) seems like a good idea in a situation of distress but a movie about extreme weather havoc all over the globe in the form of catastrophic hurricanes, tornadoes, tidal waves, floods, and most ominously, the beginning of the next Ice Age – is just a simple NO right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQDSAiPiEDU

  • 2012 (and anything involving the number 2012 on NETFLIX)

Remember when 2012 came out in 2009 and we were all like: whatever? In fact, we were all so “whatever” that you maybe don’t even remember this John Cusack/Amanda Peet weather disaster movie, but I do. Trying to search for it on Netflix also results in about 8000 other 2012 movies (incl. 2012: Science of Superstition, 2012: Ice Age and 2012: Zombie Apocalypse) all of which are best stayed far away from today.

  • TWISTER

Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt chase tornadoes. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt have issues. Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt…. well, you get it. Also, thematic inapporpriateness aside, not a particularly engaging movie.

However, the instant netflix search for this TWISTER, reveals a 1989 movie of the same name about a dysfunctional Cleveland clan, led by eccentric soda tycoon Eugene (Harry Dean Stanton), is forced to wait out a twister on dad’s estate in rural Kansas, the family mansion may be too small for this group of colorful oddballs, WHICH ACTUALLY SEEMS PRETTY FUN. Crispin Glover and Dylan McDermott in the same movie, to boot.

  • TANK GIRL

Do you ever sit around and wonder, “Whatever happened to Lori Petty?” Point Break, A League of The Own, Free Willy, and then what? Well, “TANK GIRL” happened, which my 12 year old self back in 1993 thought was pretty awesome, but actually really, really isn’t. Left in the rubble of this human-kangaroo/anarchist/post-apocalyptic mess are also Naomi Watts (as Jet Girl), Ice-T (pre SVU and Coco) and Malcolm McDowell, obviously in it to paycheck win it.

  • MAD MAX: BEYOND THUNDERDOME

Actually, I think this is a pretty good choice. After all, if apocalypse is coming, at least we can live in hope that from now on scattered tribes of people will be led by divas with agelessly wonderful legs (even if their names are, somewhat unfortunately, Aunty Entity). I can only assume that this means that Las Vegas will be ruled by Celine Dion.

  • THE ROAD

Just read this. And this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbLgszfXTAY

  • BAIT

Okay, so maybe we don’t live in Australia, and maybe there isn’t a huge population of great white sharks hanging around, but that doesn’t mean you will feel any better about the possibility of massive flooding after watching this movie. It basically centers around the survivors of a tsunami, who, now trapped in a water-filled supermarket, become the prey of a gang of sharks. There is literally nothing good about that situation, and I do not recommend watching it, ever, let alone during our current natural disaster times.

  • WHITE SQUALL

Meteorologists are already saying how Sandy is a uniquely destructive storm, and how they’ve never seen anything quite like that. A white squall is another kind of unique storm, one that’s accompanied by unusual sunlight. The squall is the climax of Ridley Scott’s 1996 coming-of-age story. Jeff Bridges stars as a teacher whose classroom is a sailboat; his students are young men who travel the world and learn sailing. These young men include Jeremy Sisto, Ryan Philippe, and Scott Wolf. The story is involving before the storm hits, but once it does, it’s absolutely agonizing. You should absolutely not watch White Squall, unless you want to watch nineties heart-throbs helplessly drown.

Your suggestions are welcome below, in the comments:

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