Movies To Make You Feel Better About Today’s “Snow”

Hi, did you notice the light dusting of powdered sugar falling out of the sky this morning? Were you deeply upset by the dusting on the ground during your commute? Here are some movies that you should watch when you get home later to put things into perspective, because IT COULD BE A LOT LOT LOT WORSE:

Ohhhh 1993. What a year. It brought us Alive, after all, which is the based-on-true-events story of the Uruguayan rugby team whose plane crashed into the Andes, rendering the survivors stranded for an obscene amount of time in a fuck ton of snow. Apart from the general horrors of being forced to stick it out in the elements (and having to deal with internal injuries and avalanches and all that jazz), shit gets pretty real after the survivors foolishly consume all of the rations (a tin of chocolates, by the way) after being led to believe help was on the way. HA HA HA NOPE, help was NOT on the way, and YES they did resort to eating dead people flesh in order to avoid starvation. If you are mad about today’s “snow”, just be glad you (probably) won’t have to resort to cannibalism on your train ride home tonight.

I discovered this shit storm of a movie when I was in Argentina this summer; it was winter there, and I decided to be festive and see if Argentine Netflix was streaming Disney’s Frozen yet. I quickly realized that this was NOT the case, but as luck would have it, ANOTHER movie entitled Frozen was waiting in the wings! (And so I decided to watch it, because weird things happen when you’ve been drinking liter bottles of beer all day long.)

Now, this is ANOTHER especially scarring flick as the premise is: three young adults on a snowboarding vacation decide to go for one last session before the resort closes down for the season. And guess what? They get TRAPPED on the goddamned ski lift in a snowstorm, and apparently no one realizes that they are up there to bring them back to warmth and safety. Eventually the three realize that they are definitely going to freeze to death if they stay where they are, so one of them decides he’s going to make the god-knows-how-many-feet-down jump to the mountain below, where he will then snowboard away for help. BUT, it turns out that jumping out of a ski lift is not a good idea, because the impact will break your legs in half! Who would have guessed!

Anyway, long story short: everyone gets eaten by wolves. Be glad that this is not nearly enough snow to ski and subsequently be devoured by wild animals.

Having a stalker is bad enough (BEEN THERE, GURL), but add being stranded in the snowy wilderness to the being stalked equation is like, pretty much as bad as it can get. In THE Frozen, not to be confused with the Frozen I just told you about and/or Disney’s Frozen, this is the story of a couple who decide to go camping in snow seclusion because #ROMANCE! Now, I have learned anything from movies, it is that going camping automatically leads to death, and The Frozen is no exception to this law of physics. (Why does anyone go camping in the first place? THIS IS WHY WE HAVE HOUSES.) They crash their stupid snowmobile, and then realize they are being watched by a creepy man, apparently the only living person around for miles. I won’t go too into detail (wouldn’t want to spoil the movie you’re not going to watch), but basically one half of the couple mysteriously goes missing (the man, of course), leaving the woman to defend herself NOT JUST against hypothermia and generally creepy woods shit, but ALSO against that psycho guy from earlier, who most likely had everything to do with the elimination of the boyfriend. Great!

So yes it may be slippery out there, and yes you may ruin your shoes, but at least you are not being murdered in the wilderness!

Oh hey, even more wolf-induced terror! Like Alive, this one deals with a plane crash in the tundra, but UNLIKE Alive, it is basically Liam Neeson fighting off a hungry pack of wolves on his (and the other survivors’) journey to find help after the accident.

You just have to get on the subway to get home. There will be no battling vicious wolves. You have it easy, my friend.

I would be willing to bet a large majority of you have seen this movie at some point in your time on the planet, but if you haven’t, IT IS PURE MISERY. (HA HA HA.) No, seriously, it would be the most miserable thing in the world to crash your car in a snowstorm and be kidnapped by Kathy Bates and become unable to walk because…well, again, if you haven’t seen it I won’t ruin it.

You have not been kidnapped after crashing your car in the snow. You can walk. All is right in the world.

Seriously, what is Stephen King’s damage that he has to go and bring that winter fear all the time? The Shining is another one you’re likely to have seen by now, but if you haven’t, again, it puts things into perspective on this semi-snowy day.

Even if you live in an apartment haunted by murderous entities, there is not enough snow on the ground that you cannot escape and go chillax someplace else tonight. (Go to Donut Pub. They are open 24 hours, even when there is a centimeter of snow on the ground.)

I don’t know what possessed Emily Blunt to take this role, but her character shares a ride home from university with some weird guy who accidentally leads them down the path of death by TAKIN’ A SHORTCUT. Turns out the road he picked is like, super haunted or whatever, and there are fatal freak accidents each year; the pair of them get into a car wreck, and (as if that weren’t bleak enough) begin to be attacked by the ghosts of all the dead people that reside there. NO THANK YOU!

I don’t know any New Yorkers who carpool to and from work, and even if I did, they would not likely be taking isolated shortcuts because those simply don’t exist here. So GET OVER THE SNOW BECAUSE THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE.

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