The summer is coming to an end this weekend and we’re throwing a little “End of the World” party to “celebrate” it @ Little Miss Whiskey’s this Sunday. (no worries, we’re still doing the Summer camp too) Its going to be fun. So-to set the tone, we’re rerunning this sweet movie post Jason did for our LHC end-of-the-world theme day almost a year a go to the day. It is funny, read it.
As our time here on earth slowly evaporates like the tears on your lonely, lonely pillow, I thought I’d weigh in with a marathon of movies you need to see before those pesky scientists kill all of us with their intelligence. DAMN SMART PEOPLE!!! Argh. Always fucking up the shit for the rest of us. Hopefully in November, if we survive, we can vote in people who won’t fuck shit up for us with their mindgrapes. Forget that black dude or the old fart with the crazy hockey mom. Vote Lyndon LaRouche! Then again, if the apocalypse DOES come, according to my predictions, we’ll be able to choose between the reanimated corpses of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan. Y’know, the two best presidents EVER. Anyhooooountil then it’s time to stop thinking about the inevitably of an All-Zombie-Republican Dream ticket and get to watchin’ movies.
12am 1:50am – Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
First thing’s first, kids, we need to learn about how the world is going to be post-apocalypse, so, of course we start out with the best Mad Max movie. What other better way to learn that after Armageddon scattered tribes of people will be led by divas with agelessly wonderful legs. I can only assume that this means that Las Vegas will be ruled by Celine Dion.
1:50am 3:50am – The Edge
For those of you who want to dip out on the New 100 Years War between warrior queens Chistina Aguilera and Shakira for control of the Latin America, you’ll have to learn how to survive on your own. And being on your own means knowing how to fight and kill BEARS! That’s why we’re watching The Edge. Anthony Hopkins uses his theoretical knowledge of survival techniques to take down a nasty hairy beast that isn’t Alec Baldwin in this film written by David Mamet. There’s an over/under bet on how early the black dude dies in this film.
3:50am 4:00am Pee Break
This is not that German movie you found on the internet, but, in fact an actual time to go make water. Just because the world is ending doesn’t mean your bladder function will too.
4:00am 5:40am – Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
After having a nice long wee, it’s time to find out what happens to us after we die since, well, that’s what’s going to happen sometime very soon. And, of course, when we need Hard Evidence about the afterlife, we gotta go with the story of two stoners who go to hell for some reason and are replaced with robots from the future who ultimately need to win a battle of the bands by playing a shitty Kiss song whilst sporting ZZ Top beards. Keanu Reeves in the role he was born to play. Well, other than The Buddha.
5:40am 8:40am Heat
This has nothing to do with the end of the world, but fuck all if I ain’t gonna watch Heat on my last day on earth.
8:40am 9:00am Breakfast
You’re probably hungry by now, so time for foodstuffs. Since it’s the end of the world you might as well eat something that tastes fucking good and not feel guilty about what kind of awful crap you’re putting in your body. I recommend as many McGriddles as you can stuff into your cakehole.
9:00am 10:00am Live with Regis & Kelly
Ok this is just so on the off chance that the world ends a little early you’ll get to see both of their heads go Raiders of the Lost Ark. Plus there’s commercials so when those 6 sausage McGriddles you wolfed down work your way through your bowels you won’t be missing much. Plus, witty banter!
10:00am 11:45am Closer
Watching this movie serves two purposes: 1. To get that awful wholesome feeling of Regis and Kelly Lee out of your mouth. 2. To also remind you that the world you’re leaving and the people in it kind of sucked a big fat hairy donkey dick. Also: Natalie Portman stripping!
11:45am 2:45pm – The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
As we learned from the last movie, people suck and are only in it for themselves. So let’s reiterate this position with the double, triple, and quadruple-crossing characters in this Clint Eastwood/Sergio Leone spaghetti western classic. Plus, we all know that the post apocalyptic landscape will probably look a lot like the old west, so we can get acclimated to that.
2:45pm 4:45pm – Kingpin
Time to laugh in the face of certain doom, so we’ll go with my favorite Farrelly brothers comedy. Forget that Mary movie, this one’s the funniest. You can’t go wrong with Bowling, the Amish, and Bill Murray. As an added bonus, since there won’t be any power or electricity we can get a quick glimpse of how it is to live “simply”. Just forget about the whole zipper thing though, I assume those will still be around.
4:45pm 6:30pm – Re-Animator(unrated version)
After the apocalypse maybe the only thing that will help continue the species will be if we figure out how to Bring The Dead Back To Life!!! Due to this, we will need to know the things that could possibly go wrong with re-animating corpses before we bring George Washington or Steve Irwin back so they can lead us to salvation. We don’t want to royally fuck up and have Irwin’s disembodied head going down on a young co-ed, like what happens in this movie. Make sure to take notes.
6:30pm 7:00pm – Your Last Meal
This is open to your personal preference. I sure do like Lean Cuisines but I believe I’ll probably just chow down on a couple pints of Chunky Monkey. Unless you think you’re going to survive. Then you’ll need to prepare your digestive system. If this is the case, I suggest a meal of only beef jerky.
7:00pm 8:50pm – Field of Dreams
Well, time is running out people. I suggest this movie version of heroin, a feel-good film about the afterlife possibly being in a corn field next to a baseball diamond. Plus it’s got James Earl Jones and Burt Lancaster. I know Kevin Costner is in it, but hey, he’s good in this one. Warm your heart now, before the fiery, fiery flames of Hades open up underneath your living room and do it for you.
8:50pm 9:20pm Simpsons episode: “Marge vs. The Monorail”
Time to say goodbye to your favorite TV family, cause there ain’t gonna be no animation after the world gets sucked into a black hole. This one is one of my favorites, but hey, you pick out your own, it’s your fucking last day here. You could also use this time to cuddle with a loved one or go on BangBus for the last time, or whatever else you need to emotionally satisfy yourself.
9:20pm OMFG THE WORLD IS FUCKING ENDING HOLY SHIT
2001: A Space Odyssey
So as the world ends, we’re going to watch this one. I couldn’t leave Kubrick off the list. It gives us a perspective of the past, a glimpse of the present(as imagined in 1968), and a mostly incomprehensible vision of the future. Plus, if you time it right, as the heavens tear open and the skies rain down blood and fire and hot magma, you’ll just be getting to the part at the end where it looks like a light show from a Grateful Dead concert and the guy says, “My god. It’s full of stars.” Fucking A right.
There you have it. Your last day planned out all for you! Thank me later with the gift of fresh water or maybe a rabbit you killed with a rock and cooked over a fire you started with two sticks and some tinder.
Have a Happy Armageddon and a Merry Reckoning!!!