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My dearest reader,

The smell of love is all around us once again. No, I’m not talking about bleach and leftover salmon. I’m talking about that most amorous of holidays: President’s Day! Who gets more love than our presidents, really? The only place with more mistresses than the oval office might be a crowd at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think, however, those mistresses are paler, fatter*, and more…how you say…male? Next time you pay someone named Mistress Gargamela to apply electrified nipple clamps watch out for the tell-tale bulge of the adam’s apple. BTW, my safe word has always been “Romney”, mostly because the mere mention of that name causes even the most “Peter North” of us to become un-engorged.

(*muffled warbling*)


(*unintelligible background noise*)



So…I have just been reminded that this is not supposed to be an article about President’s day. It’s supposed to be a list of romantic Valentine’s Day movies.
That’s just un-American, really.
I guess that’s what happens when your editor is from Yugoslavia.
Evidently, romance is more important than patriotism in Eastern Europe.
There’s probably a middle ground in there somewhere, and I’m guessing it involves red white and blue glow in the dark condoms, imprinted with the face of Ben Franklin on the reservoir tip. It’s the condom everyone can agree on, even the boss!

Anygay, I have a long and checkered past with Cupid’s holiday. I use to oppose it on the principle that it was invented by a card company. Then I realized: what holiday wasn’t invented by a card company? Besides “Steak & Blowjob Day”, which I’m sure Hallmark is about to take over. I’m anticipating the marketing of cuddly teddy bears wearing BBQ aprons with “O” shaped mouths. Kiss the Cook, indeed.

As far as me, personally, there was the time I went out on a third date with a girl, only to realize halfway through the meal that it was Valentine’s Day. Luckily for me, she didn’t realize it either. That’s my kind of broad. However, I think the roots of my aversion to V-Day stem from one particular busy winter where I was dating two girls at the same time. V-Day was fast approaching, and, of course, they both wanted to hang out that night. My response? I didn’t do the “juggling dates” thing, where everything would inevitably blow up in my face like I was Jack Tripper hopping between stewardesses at the Regal Beagle. I disappeared and escaped to Philly to drink and carouse with my friends. I would have felt worse were both girls not bisexual, and had girlfriends who actually got them flowers and chocolates. Looking back on this incident, I feel like my life isn’t exactly the most normal thing ever. Oh well…you move up and on. Events like these only reaffirm my aversion to this: the most loving of lovely loving days.

So, in celebration of love, here’s a list of movies that will be sure to reaffirm your faith in romance. Sit down with your sex partner, and enjoy a heartwarming and love-reassuring evening of closeness.

Film #1: The Sweet Smell of Success

We start off slow, kids! Sweet Smell stars Tony Curtis as Sidney Falco, a gutter-licking publicist trying to get his clients into the biggest gossip column in New York. This column is written by J.J. Hunsecker(Burt Lancaster), who eerily seems like Bill O’Reilly. In order to get his clients in the column, Hunsecker has Falco do all of his dirty work, the worst of which is to ruin his sister’s relationship with a jazz musician. And why does Hunsecker want his sister’s relationship ruined? Because he’s in love with her! A heartwarming tale sure to get the evening started off right.

Film #2: In The Company Of Men

Now that your significant other has been warmed up with our first feature, it’s time to reassure them that not all men are evil. So here’s a lovely tale about two misogynistic businessman who seek out the most naïve and innocent girl they can find, make her fall in love with them, then subsequently ruin her life! Who needs chocolate and flowers when you have this film? Nobody, I say.

Film #3: Leaving Las Vegas

Now, I know this might be hard, because the two of you are probably humping like furries now, but if you aren’t, this entry is sure to get you in the mood. Nick Cage, in an oscar-winning performance, plays a guy who moves to Las Vegas in order to drink himself to death. Elizabeth Shue plays Sera, a hooker who falls in love with him, but, unfortunately, can’t get him to change. Watch out for the moments that are sure to get the love juices flowing: when Sera describes to her shrink an enormously fat, hairy client who ejaculates on her face, and the final sex scene were Cage & Shue fuck each other, after which Cage dies. Break out the smokes, people, it’s gettin’ all sexy in here.

Film #4: Requiem for A Dream

We’ve saved the best for last, kids! This is a wondrous fairy tale about how love can conquer all, especially a debilitating heroin addiction. Marvel at the ambitious plans being made when Jared Leto and Jennifer Connelly first start getting high and are in love! Be amazed when they run out of dope and he sends her off to have sex with a rich dude in order to get money for dope! Get all warm inside when he abandons her, and has to have his arm amputated, all while she is working a double-dildo in front of a sweaty throng of greasy businessman. Remember to name me the godfather when you couples conceive a child, childrens.

So there you are, a wonderful evening of romance. Crack open that special bottle of wine, light some lavender scented candles, get a six-pack of Trojans(ribbed, of course, for her pleasure), pop these movies in, and let the love envelop you. Happy romancing, kids.

With all my Love,


X O X O + +

*Lewinsky notwithstanding. I wonder how her designer purse collection is going?