We realized after our What Not to Buy for Valentine’s Day guide you probably went sprinting for Secret Pleasures instead of buying one of the things on our other list. Here are some of the shelves you should stay away from. (Unless you’ve specifically discussed that thing with the person you’re giving it to.)
- Porn. Imagine what your girlfriend/fuck buddy/the last person you slept with thinks you fantasize about. Now think about what’s actually in your Google Search history. If you give them porn you think they like, the object of your affections will probably smile, say thank you, and then go back to spanking it/schlicking it to Jesus porn/fart porn/statue porn/whatever else they’re too embarrassed to tell you they like.
- Dildos/other sex toys. If you try to get your SO/person you’re fucking a dildo but it’s too long and hits her cervix (every woman reading this just cringed involuntarily), the anal beads you buy are too big, or the handcuffs you buy are too loose, you/they aren’t going to use the toy and you will have just wasted your money.
- Lingerie. This is probably something you should discuss before you buy it, if only because that shit is fucking expensive. Guys: Chances are you don’t know how big your girlfriend’s assets really are and you’ll probably buy her the wrong size. Ladies: This goes back to the “What does he really like?” question. You might think he likes black lace; he might actually want you in a white latex nurse outfit.
- Oral sex flavor enhancers. Once again, discussion is key – you should make sure they actually like that flavor before they start to give you head/eat you out and suddenly start gagging (for a reason other than the obvious one).
- Anything with the word “lover” on it. This includes cards, small stuffed animals, underwear – whatever. This is a word like “moist”: It makes everyone around you uncomfortable and people involuntarily shudder when they hear it.
- Any mix tape with Lorde on it. SHE’S 17. Jesus.
As long as you steer clear of buying these things before you discuss them with your SO/whoever you’re currently sharing your body and/or bed with, your Valentine’s Day should be smoother than Pamela Anderson’s ass in the 90s.
What other gifts would immediately propel you to the nearest exit? Tell us in the comments!
