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I waited a bit before watching the newest Lana vid. Mainly because I love her, and seeing that I learned she had made the video via this Facebook update:

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which definitely DID NOT seem promising, I was a little nervous that it would suck. But at some point, as a Lana fan, I gotta rip off the bandaid—even if it’s a 30 minute long procedure involving, apparently, “celebrity gods, strippers and guns, and the poems of Walt Whitman.” So I’m going to do it now, folks. And, as I do it, I’m going to give you a minute-by-minute(ish) account of my reaction. Because commentary. Watch along, and join me in ADVENTURE!

ALSO: SPOILERS

0:00

Okay I’m crossing my fingers. (And reminiscing.)

0:30

Clouds, rose, John Wayne as god, and Lana is a saint. Got it.

00:43

Spotted: Jesus.

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00:45

Jesus is hanging out with Marilyn! Okay….okay….I see you, Jesus.

00:51

Elvis. But also definitely not Elvis because this dude is unquestionably the Hulk, just in a white bedazzled jumpsuit.

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Seriously terrifying. If this is heaven, please send me to hell.

1:15

This place bears a striking resemblance to the fairy dimension in True Blood. I don’t even think anyone besides me has even stuck with shitty True Blood long enough to get that reference.

2:07

Lana looks good. That’s all I’m sure of regarding this video at the moment.

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2:50

I am not down with this. Not even a little down.

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(Primarily because unicorns are only okay if Lisa Frank.)

3:01

Aw, she started singing.

3:14

THIS SONG IS:

3:19

And now they’re grinding in loincloths, the way the Lord intended.

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4:21

Etherial, erotic, everything.

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5:03

I swear Marilyn and Elvis each just fist-pumped to Lana getting some.

6:15

Update: Continuation of some very subtle Adam and Eve references.

6:28

Something about the juxtaposition of a shot of Lana biting the apple in the Garden of Eden with this:

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Seems slightly suggestive of some antiquated gender stereotypes.

6:53

The music stops. Adam takes a bite of the apple. Elvis has some things to say about his decision.

7:06

And, suddenly, Adam works at the bodega down the street.

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7:22

“Nipples, breast milk.”

8:12

Spotted: cocaine and bubbles.

8:45

She’s still listing things, just now with butts.

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9:09

More butts.

9:30

Adam’s intimidating gang members with a plunger and, with that, the believability of this video goes down the toilet.

10:01

Shit’s getting demonic. Also, starting to seriously question the lack of music in this music video.

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11:03

But then, the music comes back. Lana and Adam are at some sort of Dia de los Muertos rave and she’s acting sultry with a lower stomach tattoo and I can’t help it; I fall in love.

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11:20

“Fuck yeah, give it to me.”

11:25

Adam took a bite of the apple at the strip club. Which I get, because like, he took a bite of the apple earlier, and now he’s doing it again but in a completely different setting.

11:45

“I was an angel looking to get fucked hard.”

12:21

They found love in a hopeless place. Wow, this video is seriously just full of allusions.

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14:00

The music stopped and Marilyn is back, which is boring.

14:21

There was a shot of the universe and suddenly we’re at a middle age man’s birthday party. Which is somewhere I really never want to be—even if only vicariously through a Lana del Rey video.

14:46

They’re surprising birthday boy Jack with a stripper, so….

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naturally, it’s Lana with star-shaped pasties on.

15:01

I’m still on the fence about all of this. Jack, however, is not. Jack is quite pleased.

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15:40

Some poetry is happening. I like poetry, but it’s hard to focus because there are a lot of strippers on screen right now.

16:15

Uh, oh. Adam came in wearing a bandana over his mouth which means he is up to NO GOOD.

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17:00

Yeah Adam is super not okay with Jack and company. Some shooting is happening, and everyone looks afraid.

17:54

NEXT SCENE: She is now talking about L.A. while her friends shoot into the air. I’m having trouble relating.

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19:03

More poetry, only this time less butts.

19:56

No poetry, now lots of baptisms.

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(In soft focus.)

20:06

Feeling very:

20:24

But check out Lana in the meadow! She looks good in the  meadow.

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21:23

Them are some serious golden hour beauties.

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22:36

The only thing is that all this dancing in a white dress in the middle of a meadow stuff is seriously reminiscent of a tampon commercial.

23:40

Things have been pretty calm since the couple moved to the meadow. I think it’s good for them. They have been through a lot, what with the apple and stripping and shooting and what-not.

24:17

CURVEBALL: They’re floating and I’m pretty sure I see a UFO.

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25:25

And just like that, it was over.

Lana?

Okay. Im going to watch the original Blue Jeans video now.

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