I waited a bit before watching the newest Lana vid. Mainly because I love her, and seeing that I learned she had made the video via this Facebook update:
which definitely DID NOT seem promising, I was a little nervous that it would suck. But at some point, as a Lana fan, I gotta rip off the bandaid—even if it’s a 30 minute long procedure involving, apparently, “celebrity gods, strippers and guns, and the poems of Walt Whitman.” So I’m going to do it now, folks. And, as I do it, I’m going to give you a minute-by-minute(ish) account of my reaction. Because commentary. Watch along, and join me in ADVENTURE!
ALSO: SPOILERS
0:00
Okay I’m crossing my fingers. (And reminiscing.)
0:30
Clouds, rose, John Wayne as god, and Lana is a saint. Got it.
00:43
Spotted: Jesus.
00:45
Jesus is hanging out with Marilyn! Okay….okay….I see you, Jesus.
00:51
Elvis. But also definitely not Elvis because this dude is unquestionably the Hulk, just in a white bedazzled jumpsuit.
Seriously terrifying. If this is heaven, please send me to hell.
1:15
This place bears a striking resemblance to the fairy dimension in True Blood. I don’t even think anyone besides me has even stuck with shitty True Blood long enough to get that reference.
2:07
Lana looks good. That’s all I’m sure of regarding this video at the moment.
2:50
I am not down with this. Not even a little down.
(Primarily because unicorns are only okay if Lisa Frank.)
3:01
Aw, she started singing.
3:14
THIS SONG IS:
3:19
And now they’re grinding in loincloths, the way the Lord intended.
4:21
Etherial, erotic, everything.
5:03
I swear Marilyn and Elvis each just fist-pumped to Lana getting some.
6:15
Update: Continuation of some very subtle Adam and Eve references.
6:28
Something about the juxtaposition of a shot of Lana biting the apple in the Garden of Eden with this:
Seems slightly suggestive of some antiquated gender stereotypes.
6:53
The music stops. Adam takes a bite of the apple. Elvis has some things to say about his decision.
7:06
And, suddenly, Adam works at the bodega down the street.
7:22
“Nipples, breast milk.”
8:12
Spotted: cocaine and bubbles.
8:45
She’s still listing things, just now with butts.
9:09
More butts.
9:30
Adam’s intimidating gang members with a plunger and, with that, the believability of this video goes down the toilet.
10:01
Shit’s getting demonic. Also, starting to seriously question the lack of music in this music video.
11:03
But then, the music comes back. Lana and Adam are at some sort of Dia de los Muertos rave and she’s acting sultry with a lower stomach tattoo and I can’t help it; I fall in love.
11:20
“Fuck yeah, give it to me.”
11:25
Adam took a bite of the apple at the strip club. Which I get, because like, he took a bite of the apple earlier, and now he’s doing it again but in a completely different setting.
11:45
“I was an angel looking to get fucked hard.”
12:21
They found love in a hopeless place. Wow, this video is seriously just full of allusions.
14:00
The music stopped and Marilyn is back, which is boring.
14:21
There was a shot of the universe and suddenly we’re at a middle age man’s birthday party. Which is somewhere I really never want to be—even if only vicariously through a Lana del Rey video.
14:46
They’re surprising birthday boy Jack with a stripper, so….
naturally, it’s Lana with star-shaped pasties on.
15:01
I’m still on the fence about all of this. Jack, however, is not. Jack is quite pleased.
15:40
Some poetry is happening. I like poetry, but it’s hard to focus because there are a lot of strippers on screen right now.
16:15
Uh, oh. Adam came in wearing a bandana over his mouth which means he is up to NO GOOD.
17:00
Yeah Adam is super not okay with Jack and company. Some shooting is happening, and everyone looks afraid.
17:54
NEXT SCENE: She is now talking about L.A. while her friends shoot into the air. I’m having trouble relating.
19:03
More poetry, only this time less butts.
19:56
No poetry, now lots of baptisms.
(In soft focus.)
20:06
Feeling very:
20:24
But check out Lana in the meadow! She looks good in the  meadow.
21:23
Them are some serious golden hour beauties.
22:36
The only thing is that all this dancing in a white dress in the middle of a meadow stuff is seriously reminiscent of a tampon commercial.
23:40
Things have been pretty calm since the couple moved to the meadow. I think it’s good for them. They have been through a lot, what with the apple and stripping and shooting and what-not.
24:17
CURVEBALL: They’re floating and I’m pretty sure I see a UFO.
25:25
And just like that, it was over.
Lana?
Okay. Im going to watch the original Blue Jeans video now.
