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So as you likely do not remember (FOR SHAME) I did a minute by minute video post on Lana Del Rey’s “Tropico.” I am now recreating the magic (“the magic” being a minute-by-minute(ish) account of my reaction) with Gaga’s new video “G.U.Y.”

Full disclosure: I love Lady Gaga. I went through a brief period of not liking her when, post Born This Way, she got all cocky and inaccessible in a way I found inappropriate for an artist who affectionately calls her fans her “little monsters.” I also didn’t really like Artpop as a record. THAT SAID, I still love Gaga. I think she’s an amazing performer. Her SXSW green paint vomit filled performance garnered headlines because PUKE!!! but honestly, if you watch it, there is MUCH MORE than barf to that show. That performance was, to me, so incredibly powerful, raw, and honest. It was Gaga as I hadn’t seen her in months—full of passion. Needless to say, I was excited to see the new vid.

OKAY ENOUGH GUSHING. Here is the video:

Join me on my minute by minute adventure, please. I revel in your company:


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So far, so LAME, amirite? May not be completely clear from the above screengrab, so let me tell you guys what just happened. A bunch of guys in suits fought over money pouring from the sky only to descend upon Gaga, who is wearing wings and also an arrow through her chest.


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The men grab some money from the ground and leave Gaga (who is ostensibly dead at this point) on the ground. “ARTPOP” appears on screen over the image of dead angel Gaga. The levels of “obvious” in this metaphor are mind numbingly high. I am not down.


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A struggling Gaga (understandably struggling, since there is an arrow penetrating her chest) writhes around attempting to get up. After a few attempts it seems she is unable to lift her weary pop star body from the money-littered ground upon which is lays.


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After making some ground insofar as movement goes, Gaga collapses in the middle of the field. Camera shows a beautiful landscape, indicating that time has passed. She finally gets up and removes the arrow from her chest. MEANWHILE I’m hoping they move away from this SUPER LAME metaphor within the next 30 second.


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She makes her way towards a castle, as one is wont to do, and collapses (yet again) before its marble doors. She is then lifted by two guards (?) wearing what looks like a leather hooded poncho. If I were her, I would be concerned by these dementors. She doesn’t seem concerned.


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WHICH GOES TO SHOW YOU GAGA KNOWS BETTER THAN I! For these “dementor” fellows meant her no harm! Instead, they are her salvation! They carry the bloodied Gaga to what looks like a pretty sick castle side pool party. The video is finally taking on some of the grand cinematic “wow-ness” of her previous videos and I am happier.


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Unfortunately, they still have to kill of the “fallen angel” metaphor, which they did by emerging a flower-garnished Gaga in the pool in what is meant to be a baptism of sorts, I assume.


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You know what, though—it was all worth it. Because it led to what you see above. Namely, REAL HOUSEWIVES! Now THAT is a metaphor that doesn’t smack you in the face and is also funny and is also badass. You go Gaga.


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And now, for the first time since the start of the video, Gaga is not a bloody fallen angel BUT a beautiful headdress-adorned lady of love.


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Now Andy Cohen is God. This video has taken a turn in the RIGHT direction. (Haaaaaaa…)


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And as the title track for the video, “G.U.Y” starts playing we get some classic Gaga group dance choreographed magic. She’s rocking a very “femme” look, and has been throughout the video, which is somewhat surprising. I thought her SXSW performance was hinting towards a change in aesthetic, but then again maybe it still is—this video was completed way before they started planning for the show, I’m sure. Regardless, I like what the video is doing. Since departing from the “fallen angel” thing it has taken on the weird, whimsical, showiness that makes me love Gaga so.


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And the cinematic-ness continues, but this time more Egyptian-inspired.


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Oh yes. Crescendo, y’all. LOOK AT THIS ISH. Also “love me, love me, please retweet.” DEAD.


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And then there’s this part where she’s suddenly with a man on a sticker-covered laptop. They’re in a room with these, like, coffin looking things and what you see above is on the computer screen. (Lost me for a minute—I don’t get it.) Don’t worry, though! I’ll watch it seven more times until I do!


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“I don’t need to be on top to know I’m worth it because I’m strong enough to know the truth.”


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AAAAND check out whose got the BOW (not just the arrow) now.


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AAAAND now she shoots the money at the business-y dudes from before.


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AAAAND we’ve got another seriously epic dance sequence.


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Finally, all the dudes leave the castle/mansion.


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And that’s all she wrote.

The remaining four minutes of this 11-minute long piece are reserved for credits. A lot of credits. Besides the beginning, I liked it a lot. What about you? Thoughts?