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As if Jagged Little Musical wasn’t enough the world has slipped down our chimneys to offer us the greatest Christmas gift of them all: Milli Vanilli THE OPERA. Shakespeare couldn’t pen a more depressing tale to which we sob than that of Fab and his dear sweet Rob. This will clearly be riddled with tears and will probably end with the death of Rob Pilatus. I’d like to offer an alternative version of this rock opera based entirely on their best-known album Girl, You Know It’s True.

So, without further adieu…

The curtain rises to reveal a living room. A girl sits on the couch reading. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door.

Girl: So what are you doing back?

Milli: Well, I sat back and thought about the things we used to do. Their side of the stage darkens. Lights illuminates stage left. We see a bed with people moving around under the covers, clearly having sex. It darkens again, the other side lights up. They really meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

Girl: I really mean that much to you?

Milli: Girl, you know it’s true. The actor opens his mouth to sing but is shoved out of the way by a significantly less attractive man who possesses the voice of an angel. He goes into…

The unattractive singer trails off while being yanked off the stage, replaced by Milli.

Girl: Rob

Milli: It’s Milli now.

Girl: I’m sorry but Milli isn’t a name. It doesn’t matter. You said you were leaving to go to your voice lessons and you’d be “right back.” That was three years ago. What happened?

Milli: I had to find myself. I went to Germany.

Girl: Germany? Germany. As in Germany.

Milli: Yes. I love sausage and beer and can’t stand speed limits. Look, none of that matters now. I’m back at my old place. I even have the same number. Will you call me?

Girl: I forgot your number years ago.

Girl: What are you talking about? Love is stronger than thunder? Our love is stronger than a sound that terrifies most dogs? What in the fuck did you do in Germany?

Milli: I told you…searched high and then searched low. Honestly you can’t have one without the other.

Girl: Opens the door. Get out.

The stage darkens. As the lights return Milli is entering a different apartment. Vanilli is in the kitchen with a towel slung over his shoulder. Humming.

Milli: Anybody here?

Vanilli: You’re back! They hug. Vanilli hands Manilli a glass of wine. So, how did it go?

Milli: She forgot my number. Who forgets a phone number? It’s only 7 digits long. Ten if you count the area code.

Vanilli: Listen…I have to talk to you. Several horn players appear on stage as Milli and Vanilli exchange a bit of dialogue over the blaring sounds of horns. Milli is then replaced by his not-so-attractive singing counterpart who probably can’t dance nearly as well.

The stage shifts and Bizarro-Milli is following Girl down the street as she looks at him with sheer horror/panic. The best way to a woman’s heart is not to follow her with 3 trumpet players in tow. Evidently. 

Girl: First of all you have to stop harassing me. I’m on my way to Whole Foods. They don’t tolerate that kind of behavior there. And where did you find these trumpet players?

Milli: It’s a German thing. I know we had our problems but it’s nothing we can’t fix. I put a lot of thought into it while I was gone and I don’t think either of us is responsible.

Girl: Rob

Milli: Milli

Girl: sigh. Milli, how can our problems not be our fault? Who’s to blame?

Milli is yanked off the stage Apollo style as the sound of rains swells in the air. Bizarro not very dapper Milli appears. Again.

Girl: Just so we’re clear you would like me to blame our relationship problems on the rain.

Milli: Or the stars. Or both. You see the rain doesn’t mind. It doesn’t care.

Girl: That makes sense because the rain ISN’T A PERSON. You never wanted to accept any responsibility for our problems. First you compare our love to thunder now you want me to blame our shit on THE WEATHER. Oh great, here comes your other half.

Vanilli jogs up. 

Vanilli: Hey guys, this is probably not the best time to do this but Girl…I need to tell you something. It’s something I’ve been holding onto for the past 3 years while Milli was in Germany learning how to brew his own beer.

Milli: They’re called craft beers and it’s a goddamn art form. Have you ever tried to add hops to a recipe without compromising the taste?

Girl: I wish you both would piss off.

Vanilli: Wait…I have to get this off my chest. Stands up, a trap door opens up. He falls through. Bad-looking Doppelganger Vanilli slides into his place. The horn players stay. Forever.

Milli: Wait, are you singing what I think you’re singing?

Vanilli: Technically I’m not singing, but yes. I love her. Girl, I love you.

Girl: rolls her eyes. Does the fact that I detest you both even matter here? Frankly I’d rather date one of the trumpet players. Wait, is that a synthesizer?

Milli and Vanilli stand on either side of Girl, each vying for her attention. She has a panicked look on her face as she reaches out for people passing by, clearly needing help. Milli and Vanilli sing fight over here, well “Milli” and “Vanilli” do.

The singers stop, panting, exhausted. They are ushered off stage. Milli and Vanilli replace them. Not a drop of sweat on their faces, not a hair out of place. Not singing is not hard work. Girl has snuck away, in fear of her sanity.

Milli: Man I can’t believe you were the one steppin’ out with my Girl.

Vanilli: I waited 2 years. Okay 2 months. Okay I went to her house after I dropped you off at the airport. I’m sorry but it was September.

Milli: Damn it. I know better than to leave like that in September. Everyone knows it’s the sexiest month of the year.

Vanilli: This may hurt, but let me explain. A burst of smoke appears on the stage. When it clears Busted Vanilli with a voice that could stop a war stands in Vanilli’s place. A sax plays in the distance.

Milli: It sounds like you guys had a really great month. I can’t blame you. Or her. I’m just going to blame it on the rain. You’ve been here for her the entire time I was gone.

Vanilli: And a bit before you left.

Milli: Son of a….I suppose I deserve that. I was singularly focused on my craft brewing. You’re the better man. I hope you guys will be happy together.

They part ways. The stage changes to the inside of Girl’s apartment. She goes into her bedroom. Milli pops up from beneath the bed holding a clarinet. Milli dances around the apartment with the clarinet. Backup dancers appear. Glitter fills the air. The stage is heavy with magic. Or like a super magical vibe. They sing to each other.

As the song ends Girl looks genuinely sad. Milli is devastated, on his knees in front of Girl gripping the clarinet. A knock on the door interrupts them. It’s Vanilli.

Vanilli: Milli! Stop. I have an idea. It’s kind of crazy but it just might work. Why can’t we all be together. As one?

Girl: What like some kind of sister-wives type deal?

Milli: I guess it’d be brother-husbands. Odd how it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it but I get what you’re saying. Let’s do it.

They both look eagerly at Girl.

Girl: So it’s all or nothing?

Two sandbags drop from the ceiling hitting both Milli and Vanilli on the head. They are knocked unconscious, their lifeless bodies rolled off the stage. Bizarro Milli and Vanilli take the stage ready to sing their dumpy-faced hearts out.

The song ends and they all embrace. As the curtain slowly falls we hear…

Milli: You know Vanilli I was thinking we should start a band. Can you sing?