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By Katie McVay

Hi, guys. Here is my heteronormative-as-fuck list of men to not fuck in 2k16.

  1. Man-Literature-For-Men Man – Are Hemingway/DFW/Franzen bad authors? IDK. Life is complicated and shit, but your top author list should cite something not from the White Man’s Handbook for Looking Learned.
  2. The Christopher Hitchens/Malcolm Gladwell/TED Talks Guy – This man is gonna yell at you in an Olive Garden about how he took philosophy 101 and condescend to you about your worldview. None of this in 2k16. You want to act like you know something, you better actually know something.
  3. The Ayn Rand Lover/Libertarian – Libertarians are people who read a Nietzsche quote on a desk calendar once and cemented up their worldview. No emotional children in 2k16.
  4. The Male Feminist – This man is gagging to call you a cunt in bed. And maybe that floats your boat but there’s gonna be some half-hearted oral to follow so… he doesn’t get this one. Also, he WILL talk over you at a party about bell hooks. This man is the worst man because he has so assured himself that he is the best man.
  5. Guys with No Guy Friends – In 2k15, we learned to back away from the woman who “doesn’t get along with other women.” The same is true of men who “don’t get along with other men.” They’re relying on platonic women for all the emotional labor in the world and aren’t gonna have a good relationship with you either.
  6. A Man All About Space-Based Franchises – We fucked enough dweebs in 2k15. Star Wars is gonna leave the box office and, frankly, “nerd culture” is founded on talking loudly and sweatily over women. It is fine to like nerd shit but don’t be all about it.
  7. “I’m Working On…” Guy – Unless that phrase ends in “my car,” run away from that man. He’s gonna be working on that play/movie/screenplay/adaptation of/book/novel/comic book for the rest of his days without any forward momentum or planning. He’s not “talking to” some agents. He’s talking to his mom and his diary.
  8. The Wet Mop – This guy had hopes and dreams and then he fell down in a puddle. You’re walking around like a person who has her shit figured out, and he wants some of that. But you’re gonna try to lean that wet mop against something and it is gonna fall down again twice as hard. In 2k16, just leave that mop on the floor. Let it figure its own shit out.
  9. The No-Bed Guy – Does this guy have a twin bed? Does he have a mattress on the floor? Does he have a futon? Does he have a mattress on a box spring on the floor? Does this guy have an air mattress? Does this guy just sleep on a pile of ex-girlfriend’s old scarves? Do not sleep with this man. If he isn’t bothering to invest in a bed frame and a bed you can comfortably fuck in, he won’t bother to invest in you.
  10. The Finance Guy – Do not fuck this man. Have this man take you to dinner, and don’t fuck him. Have this man buy you some stuff, and don’t fuck him. Make this man take you to France, and don’t fuck him. Make him buy you a car, and don’t fuck him. Don’t fuck this man. It will drive him nuts, and he’ll think about you constantly when he is in the suburbs with two kids that have the names he thought about giving to boats, and you’re doing your part to destroy the capitalist system from the inside. Plus, he is 100% going to be bad at sex.
  11. A Man with An Active Reddit Account – I do not need to explain this one.
  12. A Man Who Reads Richard Dawkins – No one wants a man playing devil’s advocate between the sheets.
  13. The Man with Six Shirts – This goes back to No-Bed Guy. If a man cannot invest in himself, he cannot invest in you and you have THINGS TO DO. You have things to do and places to be and this man owns SIX SHIRTS. Do not reform this man in 2k16. Leave this man where he is.
  14. The Man Who Mentions High School – Why? Why is he doing this? Does he have no plans for 40? For 30? Does he miss the days when his mom made him lunch and his only responsibilities were thinking about how he could be an astronaut but not actually doing anything to be an astronaut? Get away from this man.
  15. A Man with a Hoverboard – Either you are accidentally considering fucking a teen or you are considering fucking a lawyer. Either one should be illegal. No men who embrace high-cost fads in 2k16. They’re gonna think they can “trade up” at some point.

This list will be ongoing, because men keep being alive in new and terrible ways.