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By David Carter

With the upcoming, impending, and exploding Memorial Day Weekend ahead of us, a few standard experiences will be reappearing. You will drunkenly eat too many grilled things and get mustard under your fingernails, even though you never had any mustard. You will see more mini American flags than at a used car lot’s “Going Out of Business” sale, even though they never go out of business. And you will see mystic, violent, and colorful explosions in the night sky, and some on the ground because Johnny knocked over the Heineken bottle he was using to launch a bottle rocket. “It’s your fault! You wanted to do this on a hill!” he will defensively slur. Well, Johnny can go to hell. What a lame firework he is attempting to entertain the public with! I bet he doesn’t even know the new experimental fireworks that are coming out of China and being sold in North Carolina right now, but I do. Here are some brand new fireworks now available if you look hard enough.

The John Boehner Fountain: A dull orange spray with a whistle that sounds like a weeping man. Warning: Does not work well with fireworks from the opposite aisle.

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The Korean Rocket (AKA the Type-O Dong): Soon after launching, it breaks up into two halves and fires at each other indirectly for several hours, making everyone at your party uncomfortable. Even though its all for show, its annoying because this shit is never going to stop.

The Disney Princess Strobe: A bright, fluttery, cute, attention getting multi-colored strobe that gets a lot of attention, almost too much, but gets very old very fast when it refuses to grow up and act like a real firework.

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The Greek Candle: Unlike the standard Roman Candle, the Greek Candle does not feature dazzling balls of light, it shoots out Euros that its citizens have set on fire, not only to mirror their economy, but also for warmth. While the Euros themselves are colorful, they all burn black like their future. Safety concern: This candle has orphaned many, many children.

Game of Thrones Cake: This aerial repeater contains way too many shells. Way too many to follow entirely. You will claim to have a favorite and your friends will want to discuss it at length, but don’t kid yourself. You just like the pretty lights and want to fit in. If you do have a favorite shell it will explode and die very early on and you will have to pick other. Its a very long show with no big climax in sight… the firework.

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The Tindernator 3000: This series of mortar shells are launched individually by you, and its been reported that many of them are duds. Throw those off to the left. When they are successfully lit, the Tindernator 3000 shells are highly flammable and can explode without warning. I suggest you use protection.

The Bad Roommate Sparkler: With green fumes similar to the dankest ganja, this sparkler will make your party smell like Bonnaroo without warning. It will first appear as a regular sparkler, burning casually, then without warning, it will flare up, burn a different color, shape, and size until it no longer resembles the sparkler you agreed to have at your party. Your friends will ask you why its still around, and you won’t have a good explanation because it THREW AWAY YOUR GOD DAMNED GUITAR! WHO THROWS OUT A GUITAR, LISA PETERSON!? HUH?! WHO?!

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The Selfie: Don’t buy it. It never looks good. This rocket will blow up in your face.

The Brazilian Burner: I have never met a man who does not love this display. It features a very wide berth of fiery explosions that will absolutely burn down all your trees, bushes, and plant life near it. I recommend you clear out your back yard prior to setting it off. Everyone will appreciate it.

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The Gaza Strip Barrage: This multi-break shell contains several smaller shells of various sizes and types. The initial burst scatters the shells across the sky before they explode in other people’s territories. No need to keep water nearby, this firework will go on forever, but feel free to throw rocks at it. Many committees have been formed in an attempt to end, or at least contain the explosions, but to no avail.

The Foxy News Fountain: This showstopper claims to contain every color, but only displays red sparks for some reason. It emits a very obnoxious horn noise to frighten and scare all the elderly in your neighborhood. If you complain how this firework is nothing but an unwanted distraction at your party, you will be labeled as unpatriotic for some reason.

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Happy Memorial Day!

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