takes huge balls to refer to one’s self as a “big time cummer,” but this was one of many outrageous boasts uttered by comedian JB Smoove Saturday night at the 9:30 Club. The seated show was overflowing with Washingtonians eager to see if Smoove’s stand-up would mimic his character on Curb Your Enthusiasm, the brash & confrontational (& hilarious) Leon Black. Many comedians frame their comedic persona as a more outrageous version of themselves. For example, Larry David writes his fictional self as “what he would be like in real life if he lacked social awareness and sensitivity.” As it turns out, Leon Black is a muted version of Smoove’s reality.
I’m surprised that a man who is pushing 50 – Smoove is the same age as Stephen Colbert – continues to craft such vulgar comedy, even in this internet-friendly, jaded age. Smoove pushed the limits of what is socially acceptable throughout the night, alternating between risqué observational comedy and hysterical physical comedy. Dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, he entered the stage to Tony Yayo and 50 Cent’s “So Seductive”, remarking how G-Unit banger makes you want to fight the police as well as serve as the soundtrack to an aggressive sexual session: “You can have a baby to that song!”
This was not a family friendly show. Anyone familiar with Curb Your Enthusiasm knows of Leon Black’s fondness for ejaculate – “Cum’s cum, Larry.” – and semen was definitely steered the discourse for most of the evening. Smoove lamented that because he was such a “big time cummer,” he has trouble returning jeans to the store (“What’s residue?”) and warned the females in the crowd that his seed was as “black and thick” as his microphone cord.
Smoove repeatedly spoke of his sexual appetite, that women want to feel protected by a mate, and how sexy it is makes them feel when they’re raised during sex (“Take that ass off the floor”). Unfortunately, the reversal is not nearly as sexy (“Shit, my wife can pick me up!”). Additionally, he warns that inappropriate stretching prior to coitus causes straining of the ligament in the perineum, leading to unorthodox sexual positions that Smoove proceeded to demonstrate by “pogo-sticking” a stool. If you don’t know what “pogo-sticking” is, use your imagination.
When Smoove wasn’t joking why he doesn’t buy his wife perfume because “each lady’s skin tastes different,” his set touched on his encounters with authorities over the years. He noted that his boss Larry is so rich he “bleeds green,” and that nothing pisses off a cop more than a foot chase because he’s carrying all of his office supplies on him. You know, he’s right, because “imagine trying to chase someone with a stapler, a printer, a scanner and a water cooler around your belt. You’d want to commit brutality, too.”
Smoove excels when he’s just running his mouth – his joke that he was in discussions with Rosetta Stone for a “talking bullshit” translation received one of the biggest howls of the night. When an unfortunate man on a date in the front row shook his hand from side-to-side when Smoove’s asked him, “Are you in hittin that ass?”, Smoove went into attack mode, asking the audience “what the fuck” the hand motion meant, mocking the fellow that he “already fucked up” his date. I felt kind of bad for the poor guy, but that’s what one would expect from a comedian who always “brings the ruckus.”
