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You guys, I tuned into OWN for the very first time in my entire life at 9pm EST last night to watch Oprah’s interview with Lindsay Lohan. (Twice.) For those of you who missed it, Lindsay agreed to speak with Oprah four days after she was released from rehab (for the sixth time, which Oprah was sure to mention in what I have deemed a “verbal bitch-slap”).

While I’d like to be able to tell you new information regarding Lindsay Lohan and/or whether I think she’ll stop being a train wreck, I am afraid that’s just not going to happen. When she started getting into her alcohol addiction and her relationship with drugs, I definitely felt like she was being genuine, but I also felt like her stoicism was kind of super weird; the whole eyes-welling-up thing seemed very crocodile-tears-esque, and despite insisting she feels really “present” post-rehab, she seemed (to me, anyway) pretty absent overall. (In sum: I have no idea what to think, which is probably okay since my opinion on the matter makes absolutely no difference in what the future holds for LiLo.)

But THAT’S not really what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is HOW MUCH EFFING SHADE OPRAH WAS THROWING THE WHOLE INTERVIEW. (PS before you get upset with me for my usage of “throwing shade”, I know. I’m sorry. I have read this and I am still doing it and I repeat, I’M SORRY.) I will break it down for you by the minute mark, starting at 9:08pm, which was the first instance of Lohan semi-crying:

9:08

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9:08

Picture 455

9:09

Picture 456

9:20

Picture 458

9:28

Picture 460

9:32

Picture 462

9:36

Picture 463

9:42

Picture 466

9:43

Picture 467

9:44

Picture 468

9:49

Picture 469

9:49

Picture 470

9:51

Picture 471

9:56

Picture 473

9:57

Picture 475

9:58

Picture 476

9:59

Picture 477

9:59

Picture 478

At least she ended things on a pensive-shade note, but JESUS. If I were Lohan I would’ve shit myself, which is why I find it weird that this was HER most of the time:

Picture 459 Picture 472

Regardless, I am very intrigued by her upcoming reality TV series that’s set to air on OWN, through which Lindsay can demonstrate that she is, in fact, “present”, “spiritual”, “normal”, etc. Because Lindsay, much like Oprah’s closing words, “I want you to win. I want you to win.”

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