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I don’t know what today’s raves look like. That’s fine. I’m 34. However, I have FOND and pretty humiliating memories of raves from the 90’s. Let’s build a time machine together and head out to a mid-to-late 90’s rave together. I promise it won’t disappoint.

Let’s Get Dressed

Clothes: Big jeans with tons of pockets to hide drugs. I am not condoning the use of drugs (ha Ecstasy). These are JUST the facts.

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Jewelry: You’re going to want something that says “I love to get fancy but I also want to eat anything I wear because if I don’t I will gnaw my own face off due to drug use.” Enter the Ring-Pop or candy necklace. They both look great (no they don’t) and they’ll keep that jaw in check.

Sunglasses at Night: Your pupils are going to be pretty dilated DUE TO FUN so you should slip on a pair of sunglasses otherwise you run the risk of looking like Pinhead from Hellraiser (sweet reference).

Plus no one wants to watch your eyes roll back in your head while you’re trying to make sure you didn’t actually let a nonsensical thought escape from your mouth.

Let’s Make a Playlist

Anything from the Go soundtrack.  IT’S A MIATA.

Moby’s Play. The Crystal Method’s ANY ALBUM. Paul Oakenfold when he was not 60 years old.

Let’s Roll

It will take your shitty 90’s Ecstasy at least 45 minutes to kick in so make sure you take it an HOUR before you get to the dirty abandoned warehouse. You do NOT want to be sober at this thing. At 34 I’ve come to realize my version of STAY OFF MY LAWN is telling 20 year-olds that it’s called Ecstasy not Molly.

My favorite Ecstasy urban legend is Vitamin C will intensify your roll. I have no idea if this is true or not but grab a carton of OJ just in case. Either way you’ll be doing at least one healthy thing while altering your brain’s chemical make-up. Call your mom and tell her you’re getting your Vitamin C. Wait, do not call your mom while on drugs.

Let’s Dance

Touch everything and everybody. You are the best dancer in the world. The bass through the floor feels amazing. You can feel everything. You love everything. Everything loves you. You’re an idiot.

Let’s Accessorize

Glowsticks! They aren’t just for roadside emergencies or cave explorations! Your eyes will need something to focus on that isn’t the back of your skull because if you’re not careful that’s where they’ll be headed. Plus how much more amazing is your dancing now? Everyone can follow your sweet moves.

Let’s Makeout

With anyone. With everyone. Leave no makeout stone unturned.

Four Hours Later…

Your brain is folding into itself. All joy is lost. You are a black hole of sad. Dear Lord who is this person trying to fondle with you? THIS PERSON IS NOT YOUR TYPE. Oh God you are so depressed. What the fuck are you wearing? See you next weekend friends you just met and will never speak to again.