It looks like it’s going to be a doozy of a couple of days with Hurricane Joaquin hitting the Mid-Atlantic. All the potential rain, flooding, and winds has sent D.C. into a panic. Hopefully, you’ve already raided the grocery stores and stocked up on the essentials comfort food to get you through it. You’re most likely not going to be going on a sunny jog or a park picnic anytime soon. Therefore, it is a perfect opportunity to settle in, check out your neighbors on Tindr/Grindr/OKCupid and just Joaquin and Chill.
Your Essential Guide to Joaquin and Chill
- Spacecamp (1986) – Four teens go to Space Camp and get accidentally get launched into space while taking a tour of the Space Shuttle. This is not a comedy. You know this is an 80’s movie since it stars Lea Thompson. Just to fuck with your head, Joaquin is credited as “Leaf Phoenix”. To be honest, we always though Leaf Phoenix was another dead Phoenix brother. But, that turns out not to be true. BONUS: The horrific realization that Joaquin Phoenix is a Hollywood veteran with a 30-year acting career already under his belt.
- Russkies (1987) – We’re still having to deal with this whole “Leaf Phoenix” bullshit, but this time
JoaquinLeaf teams up with the kid who played Ralphie in A Christmas Story to bring us this tale. Three teens go on a boat ride in Florida where they find Soviet seamen in a capsized raft. Teenage JoaquinLeaf rescues the seamen and spends a night eating candy bars and teaching them English with a Sargent Slammer comic book until he can figure out how to get them safely to Cuba. Eventually, they are caught and the Russians capture Joaquin‘s Leaf’s seaman. The movie ends with JoaquinLeaf in his bedroom forgoing his nightly reading of his Sargent Slammer comic book so that he can instead read War and Peace aloud to his friends – apparently not giving a fuck that his former Russkie friend is now dead or in a Siberian gulag.
- Parenthood (1989) – We honestly forgot that Joaquin was in this film. But it is a good one, and everyone loves Ron Howard. Bonus: There is no more “Leaf”! Joaquin the man and artistic concept emerges.
- U Turn (1997) – We are firmly in the 1990’s now. How do we know? This Oliver Stone movie stars Sean Penn, Billy Bob Thorton, Claire Danes, (our beloved Joaquin) and Jennifer Lopez. River has been dead for four years. There’s no looking back.
We know, Nic. It’s all pretty hard to watch.
- 8mm (1999) – This films answers the question “When will we finally see Joaquin paired with Nicolas Cage – who stars as a private detective investigating the frightful world of snuff films?” If you are ever on Jeapordy and they give you the answer “1999”, “No One Asked This,” or anything under the Potpourri category, you now know what to ask Alex Trebek.
- Gladiator (2000) – This Ridley Scott epic is best known for that one time that Russell Crowe looked hot before he let himself go to shit. Also, for a
drunken, senile hopped-up-on-pain-pills, drunk AND popped-up-on-pain-pills Dame Elizabeth Taylor yelling out “Glaaaaadiaaaatorrrrrr!” when announcing the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture Drama. Joaquin also co-stars.
- Signs (2002) – Joaquin Phoenix and M. Night Shyamalan in an M. Night Shyamalan film before you started really hating Joaquin Phoenix and M. Night Shyamalan.
- The Village (2004) – Well, that was a good two-year run. By now, you have started to hate both Joaquin Phoenix and M. Night Shyamalan.
- Ladder 49 (2004) – John Travolta and Joaquin Phoenix star as Baltimore firefighters who are trapped inside of a burning warehouse at the beginning of the film. Actually, there is a whole lot of being trapped-against-one’s-will in abandoned buildings throughout the whole thing. Fortunately, for Travolta, it is a lot like Scientology and that experience really shows in his solid performance.
- Hotel Rwanda (2004) – We know! We know! We just rewatched it and it turns out Joaquin Phoenix is in this film. Second worst thing to happen to that country.
- Walk the Line (2005) – This is the film where you begrudgingly acknowledge some respect for the work of Joaquin Phoenix. Fuck.
- We Own the Night (2008) – Joaquin has all-but-forgotten about his early work where he gleefully played with Russian seamen in Russkies (1987). Now, he fights Russian gangsters in Brighton Beach with Mark Wahlberg.
- Two Lovers (2008) – What could possibly top Joaquin Phoenix and M. Night Shyamalan or Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta? It turns out it is Joaquin Phoenix and Gweneth Paltrow. As with We Own the Night (2008), it is again set in a Russian neighborhood in Brighton Beach.
- I’m Still Here (2010) – Fuck you, Joaquin Phoenix. Fuck you. This is that horrible year where he grew a beard, acted crazy, began rapping, and said he had quit acting. It turns out it was just for this fake documentary with Casey Afflek. Bonus: The Los Angeles Times in its review did note that “more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films.” Since no one saw this movie, we’re not sure whose full-frontal that would be, though. Proceed at your own risk.
- The Master (2012) – A cross between Capote and Going Clear, this film about a flamboyant cult leader stars Philip Seymour Hoffman in one of his last films. By now, we clearly see a pattern of dead bodies turning up around Joaquin Phoenix throughout his career.
- Her (2013) – With this film, we forgive Joaquin Phoenix for anything he has done in his torturous (for us) career. I mean, he falls in love with Scarlett Johansson…and she’s not even a person! She’s a Siri! The whole thing is adorable. You go, Joaquin.
- Irrational Man (2015) – Woody Allen writes and directs as he casts Joaquin as an ‘irrational man’. *Slow Clap* We see what you did there, Woody. Bonus: Emma Stone.