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Jesus Christ another Die Hard film is in the works. What’s the endgame here? Where are we going with this? What if Bruce Willis actually dies before this happens. As of now it’s slated to be called Die Hardest which feels like the most any one person can die but what if that’s not the case? I’ve thought of 6 more sequels to the movie that just won’t die.

1. Die Hard Reboot

Look Who’s in Charge Now

America’s favorite pastime is taking great films and rebooting them into steaming piles of shit. Why should Die Hard be any different? In this version Bruce Willis will be played by a Die Hard Battery who is mere moments from losing its charge. Unfortunately the only power source is being held captive by Hans Gruber in the Nakatomi Plaza. Look who’s got jumper cables now…ho ho ho.


2. Undie Hard

He’s Got the Brawn, Now All He Needs is the Brains

In a post-apocalyptic, dystopian world Detective John McClane is still keeping the streets clean but it’s not the criminals he has to worry about. When an International Terrorist drops a biochemical weapon into the heart of New York City only one cop can stop the zombie masses from killing us all…not an entire police force…not the national guard…not the United States Army or any other trained professional. One cop. When McClane is bitten and turned the battle turns inward. Is McClane strong enough to save himself so he can save the world? Sometimes the dead don’t stay dead.

3. Dying Me Softly

John McClane Doesn’t Take Flak From Anyone

In this action flick turned drama we see the softer side of John McClane. His wife, tired of constantly and inexplicably being caught up in some nefarious terrorist world domination plot, has left McClane for good. Broken and alone he disappears into bottle after bottle of booze until the only thing that lets him know he’s still alive is the weight of alcohol in his stomach. That is until one day he receives a call from his dying father, begging McClane to come home. On his deathbed his father, a former CIA agent, reveals a family secret that could change the world entirely…but first McClane has to deal with a new kind of enemy: The United States Government. Sometimes home is where the die hard is.

4. Tie-Dye Hard

These Colors Don’t Run

Come out to the desert…we’ll get together…go on a retreat. At least that was the plan. When NYC’s finest finally decides to take a vacation what better place than Arizona. What could go wrong there? Everything. This vacation is about to turn into a vacashit show. Looks like the terrorists picked the wrong place to relax.

5. Fly Hard

He Just Wants to Fly

The original Die Hard but starring Mark McGrath as John McClane and all of 311 as the terrorists….amber is the color of their energy. And this energy is going to blow unless John “Mark McGrath” McClane can stop them.

6. Sigh Hard

Out With the Old…

120 minutes of an 88 year-old John McClane sitting in a rocking chair. Heroes live forever…in our hearts. #DieHeart