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By David Carter

So how is your bracket, bro? Did you make it to the Final 4 with anyone? The latest reports show that nobody won Warren Buffet’s Billion Dollar Bracket and no one even attempted to win Jimmy Buffet’s Bracket because the prize was a private performance by Jimmy Buffet.

My bracket did pretty well! I had Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols, Brandon Boyd from Incubus, Michelle Williams from Destiny’s Child, and JC Chasez from ‘Nsync in the rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar. What? The musical bracket. Yes its real! Do we have to have this conversation every year? It’s the Great White Way’s greatest annual competition, and I won it!

Every year, people like myself, who could not care less about the hoopings of the athletics, pool together the oddest collection of unrelated musicians, actors, and artists of days of future past, and bet on not what weird super group could be formed, but what touring Broadway Show should be amalgamated for our amusement! It’s like a more pretentious Roman Colosseum, but instead of lions, we have Stephen Sondheim, and instead of Christians, we have Jews. Look at me, being redundant.

Do you know what I won? I won that show. It is really happening. Brandon Boyd of my high-school-days-fame, and Michelle Williams of other-people’s-high-school-days-fame, performed the titular track from Andrew Llyod Webber & Tim Rice’s Jesus Christ Superstar on Good Morning America. While I do not take full credit for manifesting this musical into our realm with my bracket, I take complete credit when you pair my bracket with my Top 10 Bible Movies column.

Here are some other picks of mine that didn’t make it as far as #JCSS:

Phantom of the Opera

Christine: Lorde (let’s hear her auto-tune herself out of this one)
The Phantom: Seal

Avenue Q

All of the Puppets: Any Politician Who has Taken Money from the Koch Brothers

Porgy & Bess

Mr. Archdale (White Southern Lawyer): John Goodman
Everyone Else: Split Between Tyler Perry and Eddie Murphy

Urinetown: The Musical

Bobby (The Male Lead): R. Kelly

Catch Me If You Can

George Zimmerman
Edward Snowden
Julian Assange
But mostly George Zimmerman

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Lawrence & Freddy: The Koch Brothers

Fiddler on the Roof

The Fiddler: Kenny G

Beauty and the Beast

Beast: Kelsey Grammar (In X-Men Form)
Belle: Steve Buschemi

Into The Woods

Cinderella’s Prince: Prince
Rapunzel’s Prince: Dave Chappelle

Oliver!

Oliver Twist: John Oliver
Artful Dodger: Jon Stewart
Fagin: Stephen Colbert

Evil Dead The Musical

Ash: Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church

Les Miserables

Jean Val Jean: 2-Pac (chest tattoo)
Javert (the cop): Ice-T

Kinky Boots

David Carradine

And finally Flo.Rida rescores and remounts OKLAHOMA

I sure do hope someone other than me is as excited as I am to see this show. I’d rather not be the guy every lead avoids eye contact because I sit alone, orchestra center, row DD, seat 115… again.

Let me know what city you are seeing it in, and save me a seat. You know my preference.

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