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Andrew Bucket reads the Internet. Andrew Bucket understands the Internet. Let him help you. -ed.

1. Guy who NAILS IT articles- email exchange

This one is very common. It’s either a teacher who wants to take “God” out of the pledge of allegiance, or a teacher who wants to put “God” in a science class discussion– no matter– because this reputable website has got the exclusive email exchange and boy does this anonymous, somehow succinct and Jonathan-Swift caliber satirist of a dad REALLY NAILED IT. We don’t need any other details because this exchange says everything we’d want to and fantasy is so cathartic.

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2. Ultimate texting revenge or prank articles

Well, these have to be real right? I mean look, that’s the iPhone texting interface right there! Forget how they managed to screen grab 9 unbroken inches of text from a cell-phone. THIS GIRL IS TOTALLY OWNING THAT CREEP WHO SENT A DICK PIC. Score one for our side ladies. If not in reality, at least our collective imaginations.

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3. Seemingly too horrific to be true articles

What?!?! The police shot down Brazilian street kids to make way for the World Cup?! I mean I can plainly see the images of dead kids right there on revolutionactiontakeoveroccupyTheinternetACTIVISTCLICKBAIT.com

We’ll just forget that parts of Brazil are war zone ghettos and kids are murdered by gangs EVERY DAY, and that these pics are likely random.

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4. Shitty tip articles

Ugh, working in the service industry is a bitch and who doesn’t love to hate a shitty tip story. Man I’ve heard some whoppers in my day but THIS ONE wow, I mean look how inhuman this tip is. They don’t just write a big zero on the receipt, they had to go call the waiter gay, fat, retarded, butter-faced, and drippity droops. Better forward this one to every service industry veteran I know.

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5. Some conservative thing that happened in a private Christian high school in who knows where articles

So there’s these high schools and Christian families pay to send their kids there so that they can not be subject to the moral liberalism of public school because that’s their whole deal being a Christian and all. Well get this though, they keep their school dances pretty old fashioned and patriarchal. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! A bunch of fringe Christians are old fashioned and patriarchal?!? OUTRAGE!! SHAME!! We better project our values onto this other paradigm of values and act like it’s real news. Forget that part of the fun of being smart as an adult is that you were raised Christian under these gonzo rules and it made you want to go to NYC and be a super freak.

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6. Fake news that isn’t The Onion articles

Excuse me, but the point of the Onion is that everyone knows it’s The Onion. You can’t make your own Onion because that’s unoriginal, also you’re acting like “Oh, it’s just satire,” but still reaping sensationalist click-bait rewards instead of hard-earned satire rewards. Get your own thing. Trolling is cool, but just be original.

7. Listicle

They’re always written in twenty minutes by some idiot. They’re fake facts.

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8. Really clever homework answers

Well that sure looks like real homework, and check out that bad handwriting, and get a load of this young Don Rickles! Kids say the darnedest things and I sure wish I was that clever as a young buck. School sucks forever!

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