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Hello fellow boob tube lovers!

First question: what the holy hells are you doing reading? The magicalistic box of television has so much to offer these days, you certainly don’t need to waste your precious eye muscles staring at unmoving ink on a page. Even if you don’t have cable, there’s this thing called the internet(I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s pretty new), and it offers you a whole different level of viewing pleasure. Instead of watching your favorite programs in the privacy of your living room, now you can do it at work! Employers rejoice! I recommend you keep your dungarees on, though. Business Casual isn’t THAT casual yet. But we all know Free-Ball Fridays are just around the corner. HUZZOOO!!

Second Question: Why am I writing a BYT column about TV*? In case you didn’t know it, we are in a continuing Golden Age of Television – so many channels, so many amazing shows, and so much delicious trash to watch, too. Plus US Weekly writes about TV, so why shouldn’t we?

*A BYTV column, if you will, as opposed to the craigslist category BYTV which is code for a hipster transvestite.

Now as I watch a Metric ASSLOAD of television, I thought I might give you the ins and outs of what’s good, what’s bad, what’s so bad it’s badass, and what’s so bad it makes you want to drop a gun down your pants and accidently shoot yourself in the leg*.

*SPORTS JOKE!!!

As I can only comment on what I watch, it’s going to be pretty one-sided. Comments and suggestions for shows are always welcome. I may not get to everything right away, but I certainly have a fucking DVR, and I’ll take every suggestion seriously, and with the knowledge that torturing me is always funny.

So what shows are on the list? Here are the current regulars:

Mad Men, Project Runway, Top Chef, The Colony, Leverage, Man V. Food, Real Chance at Love 2, Megan Wants A Millionaire, My Antonio. As well as random shows I log some time with during the week.

So here goes:

Mad Men


I’m thankful that one of my favorite shows is back on the air, but if I had to describe why I like it so much, I’d be hard pressed to nail down one particular thing. Maybe it’s the fact that Don Draper is the saddest badass on television. Maybe it’s the ubiquitous drinking. Maybe it’s the wonderfully misogynistic dialogue. Who cares? This week it’s a bunch of Parents in trouble as Don offers to house Betty’s senile father.

-Classic moment when Gene is pouring booze down the sink because he believes the coppers are after him. RULE #1 of the DRAPER HOUSE: DON’T POUR DON’S BOOZE DOWN THE SINK! How is he going to have his nightly Old Fashioned?

-In other news, Peggy is still acting like a dude. Good for her.

-Roger is also sad that his daughter doesn’t want his new young wife to be at the wedding, BTW, he’s also drinking a lot – nothing like a Gibson and an iceberg wedge with blue cheese and bacon in the middle of the afternoon. Or, for that matter, a tall glass of vodka in the morning. YUM!

– I’ve never seen Bye Bye Birdie, but it was a little weird seeing Ann Margaret run around sing in front of blue screen.

– I would LOVE an ICE COLD PATIO. Yum.

PROJECT RUNWAY


Svetlana covers this, so read her thing if you want in depth analysis. All I’ve got is notes:

Okay, I get you’re an arty androgynous Asian with the AWFUL IDIOT haircut, but telling me you don’t acknowledge the color of the red carpet because you don’t see color is the most pretentious thing I’ve heard in awhile – not to mention saying that “there’s no language yet for what I do”. Dude, I know the language, it’s English and you made a dress. Until you start making futuristic AIDS quilt – soccer ball diapers(with a hood) to wear, stop pretending to be so OUT THERE.

And, BTW, who else knew that Ari was destined to be AUF’D when she didn’t sketch and did handstands against the wall instead?

Also – Qristal evidently speaks in code, because when she says “I DESIGN FOR ALL SHAPES AND SIZES” evidently she means “I DESIGN FOR LARGE AFRICAN AMERICAN LADIES”. Acccording to her portfolio anyways.

Tim GUNN = The ex-drug addict whisperer. I’d take Dr. Gunn over Dr. Phil anyday of the week.

TOP CHEF

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Again, see Svetlana’s column for in depth discussion

Everyone this season has tattoos. I thought I was watching Miami Ink for a second.

ELIMINATION ALERT! Jennifer here’s a hint: Don’t use seitan. EVER. And here’s another idea – if you “take risks” by using weird ingredients make sure you MAKE IT TASTE GOOD. That might help.

Big Ups to Philly – I like Philly Jennifer, but I hope she doesn’t cook fish all the time, just because she works with Eric Ripert. Also, I’m waiting for the episode where she drinks too much and has an “incident”

Another tip: DON’T DEEP FRY A STEAK. I learned that from Anthony Bourdain’s book. But fried anything sounds good.

Bacon & Donuts = yum. Too bad they were hard as Wolfgang’s Pucks(zing). I had bacon waffles at (PLUG ALERT) the Original Pancake House near where I live. NEWSFLASH! Bacon + Syrup + Waffle = amazing.

ALSO: note to guest judges: I expect more flinging of bad food across the room. I suggest having a firing squad lineup of the worst chefs, that way you can throw overcooked Salmon directly at the offending “CHEF-TESTANT”.

Finally, that is the LAST time I will be using the word “CHEF-TESTANT”.

THE COLONY

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If you aren’t watching this, you definitely should be. It’s another fine show from Discovery. It’s basically Survivor, except that instead of stupid games, Real World rejects, and a million dollar prize, you have crazy haired PHds, ex-con contractors, and Aerospace Engineers scavenging an abandoned compound for survival tools, and making things like THEIR OWN FUCKING SUNLIGHT-TRACKING SOLAR PANEL GODDAM ELECTRICAL GENERATOR. I’d like to see Richard Hatch do that. With clothes on. I’d also like to see him pay his taxes, too.

LEVERAGE


This show is probably the dumbest, most fun scripted show on this list. OSCAR WINNER(!) Timothy Hutton plays an alcoholic leader of a group of criminal geniuses who set out to rob the rich and powerful. Each week there’s a liberal sob-story ripped from the headlines(think Ultra-Evil Bernie Madoff types). It’s a show sort of aimed at adults, but comes across more like a cartoon. But it’s fun, and each week they have a heist. It’s like Ocean’s 11 but for dumb people. Think about that for awhile.

MAN V. FOOD


Some fat guy eats a lot of food, then tries an unhealthy food challenge at the end. Like eating an 8 pound burrito. The host, Adam Richman, is a bit of a douche, but the show is fun, and it’s always interesting to see someone purposefully put themselves through painful challenges. You try eating 12 dozen oysters and not throwing up. This weeks challenge was 10 spicy tuna rolls. And he did it. Huzzah to you, Mr. Richman.

Megan Wants a Millionaire


Well, you knew it had to happen sometime – a reality show contestant murders his ex-wfie, flees to Canada, and hangs himself, thus cancelling the reality show. I always thought it would be Simon Cowell, but he has enough money to cover that shit up real good. The weirdest thing about it was that Ryan was my choice to win Megan’s moon pie face and “heart”. He seemed like enough of a controlling narcissistic asshole to do it. I guess that quality also makes you a pretty decent murderer.

Real Chance at Love 2: Back in the Saddle


This was one of the VH1 shows that I swore to myself I wasn’t going to watch. But I couldn’t help myself, which I guess means I’m a masochistic idiot. This week in the Stallionaires never ending quest for true love:

-VH1 please pick your theme – trashy reality TV or well-made documentaries. I was watching the VH1 Revolutionaries episode about Muhammad Ali, and it basically went from “Muhammad Ali was a great man of principle. A highly intelligent and steadfast African American man of great honor, and a role model to people of all races.” -Cut to [email protected] promo – “IT’S THE DING DONG GAME, YO!!!” Yep. Way to go Muhammad Ali.

-This week was probably the most surreal episode of a VH1 Love show – the contestants won a date by wandering through the woods trying to capture a dude dressed in a Yeti costume. I think in addition to Real looking like the second coming of Rick James, I expect that he smokes as many “drugs cigarettes” as Rick did too. You’re about 2 steps away from kidnapping someone and burning them with a crack pipe, brah.

-What’s with the lycra arm sleeves that Real wears all the time? It’s a look I should try: a leather vest with separate leather sleeves. I think he’s hiding something under there – possibly his “drugs cigarettes”

-When a contestant who has friends from Florida says that her best friend – who is NOT her boyfriend – gets shot and killed in Michigan – and then doesn’t seem particularly upset by it – you must get rid of her. It’s like she was thinking, “Nobody will suspect I have a boyfriend anymore if they think he’s dead!” Logic is nice.

-Everytime I see Baker, I think she stepped directly out of the Dirty Diana video.

– See ya later Apple – If you can’t hang being a video ho, you weren’t meant to be with Real. Plus you wear glasses, which we all know makes you gross.

My Antonio


Jesus. This is another one that sucked me in. There’s just something about completely insane people trying to “win” someone’s “love” on a reality show. VH1, you have the key to my heart.

-Antonio Sabado seems like the blandest pushover of a mama’s boy. But he’s got nice dimples and abs like tiny little pussies*, so who wouldn’t want to date him?

-At least they bring the drama early on this one with his ex-wife showing up as one of the contestants. Who he’s still in love with, because he digs the chicks who are crazy and you have to take care of.

-See ya later Julann – you were right when you said Antonio pays too much attention to the crazy chicks and needs to pay more attention to the mentally healthy girls. Unfortunately you fall into the former category. When you yell at someone that they aren’t paying enough attention to you because they were concerned for the well-being of another, that’s a little nuts. Plus you have scary eyebrows.

*apologies to Dave Attell

So –That’s all guys! If there’s any other shows you want me to check out, please leave notes in the comment section. Tool Academy 2 starts next week, so I’m in for more awfulness.

Less physical activity! More TV!

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