That’s right folks, we’re changing the focus of this column, at least for this week. I know everyone wants to hear someone wax poetic about how amazing Mad Men is*, or that the latest episode of Leverage raises the bar for the whole series, or the fact that Lost is really, really confusing, but we’re going to stick with what really matters: reality television. There’s no reality like fake reality. So here goes:
*How many shows do you know can have an extended scene of one of the main characters in blackface and get away with it?
(read full recap by Svetlana here)
-This week, it’s the maternity dress contest! Did you feel the models go into ultra bulimia purge mode almost immediately after they put on the fake stomachs? I guess it’s just force of habit.
-So Malvin(incidentally, I believe Cale & Amy’s love child would look exactly like Malvin) gets Auf’d just because of his feathered/egg papoose costume with chicken thighs. Does Nina Garcia not appreciate a good costume? Or the fact that his outfit had a name(the “mother hen”, I believe)? Yes, Malvin, Middle America is not ready for your clothing. In fact, the only people I think are ready for your clothing are the pregnant extras from Mad Max. Go on being a philosopher/designer, keep your voice strong, and blah blah. Have fun making more padawan braids with all your new found free time, brah!
–I like food.
-Ashley, shut up about gay marriage. Top Chef did not have the challenge to shove “MARRIAGE” in your face. We all realize that the majority of America are idiots for not wanting it to be legal. I just don’t think the producers at BRAVO TV are amongst them.
-After seeing those avocado cookies, I want to go to VOLT in Fred-Neck, MD. Who’s with me?
-Sorry Eve, I won’t miss your whiny voice and your unfocused food. I will, however miss…well, no I won’t miss anything about you. You’re not even interesting enough for me to remember anything else about you.
-Also, I LIKE FOOD.
-Holy crap do I love this show. Now the producers are just fucking with the cast. After about a month in the “experiment” they decide to just snatch one of the cast members up(George, BTW), Left Behind style and not tell anyone else why! This, in turn, causes everyone else to freak the fuck out, including the old war codger Ivan who immediately goes into shell-shock. This show is fucking nuts.
-After that, everyone decides it’s time to get out, so the Professor decides to make a primitive radio by wrapping copper coils and making a jump-spark or some other shit that I have no clue about. I’ve decided that if I were on this show I would be completely useless. “Hey guys, if anyone wants me to write a review of how much this sucks, let me know! Also, I’m real good at Tecmo Bowl, if that helps.”
-Next week HOLY SHIT – FLAME THROWERS ACTIVATE!!!
-BTW, if a reality show is labeled as an”experiment” that just means there’s no prize at the end.
–Quick recap – Antonio says ciao ciao to the video game designer, but keeps the ex-wife. Good choice, Tony.
-He has the audacity to ask her “Tully, why are you even here?” Antonio, Tully’s here to keep this show from being the dullest VH1 dating show ever. What other person would jetski out to the boat where you’re having your date? It certainly isn’t going to be any of the other dull broads on that show.
-Ok this is officially the gayest show ever. In this episode we get to watch Antonio workout (shirtless), slide down a slip and slide(shirtless), and dive into the crystal blue waters of Hawaii(shirtless). The only thing with more dimples that his face are his abs.
-BTW, ANTONIO HAS A TRAMP STAMP! Holy lord.
-I think I saw the blonde chick Jennifer on another reality show – doesn’t she own the gym on Bravo’s Work Out?
-The only slow motion shot of the entire episode was of Antonio. Lovely.
-Did anyone else notice that the two black chicks on this show’s jobs are “Video Game Producer” and “NASA Researcher”? Rock of Love this ain’t.
Real Chance At Love 2: Back in the Saddle
-So, in diametric oppostion to My Antonio’s dullness, we get the over the top ridiculousness of [email protected] This week: a RASSLIN’ MATCH!!!
-I like that wherever the Stallioniaires go they bring two gigantic leather recliners with them. That’s travellin’ in style.
-episode highlight: Chance gets drunk as shit, and says the following, unprompted: ‘If we get low of money are you going to leave me for a guy who can afford Fish Filet? I can afford fish fillet! I’ll take you to Mickie D’s, biatch! If your family needs a herd of goats, I can get that too. I’m gonna go piss off this cliff.” BRILLIANT! Although I think that just might be a direct quote of an ODB song.
-So two ladies get axed, Junk and Lady. I just read their “profiles” on the VH1 site. No need for me to get creative, I’ll just reprint verbatim:
– Believes she was a horse in a past life
– Has a habit of chewing toilet paper
– Says her butt is African-grown pure beef.
– Believes that Chance is the one for her because he is a bad-ass, and they compliment each others looks.
Yep. Seeya later toilet paper chewing ex-horse, and pure beef bad-ass. Nice knowing you.
Tool Academy 2
-So I didn’t watch the first season, but I am watching this now, with my eye’s wide open and my jaw on the floor. I think this is my favorite one out of all of them. It’s the biggest Ed Hardy wearin’, gelled faux-hawk sportin’, roided out, tribal tatted, explosion of douche-baggery on television. Well, besides the Real World or Hard Knocks with the Cincinnati Bengals.
-I don’t even know where to being with this, I’m so overwhelmed. First of all, what people don’t seem to mention is that the girls on the show are just as dumb as the dudes. Why don’t they just break up with them? That’s the question!
-TA2 Drinking Game! 1 shot every time one of the ladies says “Don’t TOUCH me.”
-For the first half hour of the 90 MINUTE premiere episode NONE of the dudes are wearing shirts. Mr. Hardy would be highly disappointed.
-J. Daddy wins the first date of the season by bailing out a boat. In other news, an assistant deli manager from long island has nicknamed HIMSELF J-Daddy.
– New word alert, as coined by Dre P: “Yo, she was pissed off to the highest level of PISSTIVITY.” Almost as good as Daisy* saying she “doesn’t condole violence”
-And the biggest tool of the week, and possibly EVER, Josh gets booted off. He won’t leave at first, so security has to haul him off. He is such a douche that the HOST of the FUCKING SHOW gets hot and SCREAMS AT HIM to leave! All the way off he’s whispering, Svengali-like, into this girlfriend’s ear, saying the following things:
“You are making me look bad”, “This could ruin my life,” and repeatedly telling her to say that she loves him. OH THE DELICIOUSNESS OF THIS SHOW IS AMAZING!!!!
So that’s that, folks.
As always, Less Physical Activity, MORE TV!!!!
*From Daisy of Love, duh. Get with it people.