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Not everyone should write books. This – if only this – was made clear throughout Anderson Cooper’s two-part interview with “Juror B-37,” one of the 12 jury members that together acquitted George Zimmerman this past Sunday for his role (being the person who did it) in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin.


Broadly speaking and to be fair, she put forward something close to a point. Here is the reasonable point she almost made: The laws in Florida actually do seem to condone the vigilante, gun-toting nonsense that Zimmerman seems to have been above-all guilty of perpetrating, and, as a juror, her verdict must be based on the laws as they are written, however problematic those laws might be.

This all would have been fine, had the path she taken during the interview to arrive at this point not been the most uncomfortably racist of all possible paths.

It’s hard to pin down the precise moment that she really clinched it. Perhaps it was when she so earnestly explained that Trayvon Martin “played a huge role in his [own] death.” Or maybe it was her assessment that Zimmerman was really only guilty of being too good of a person. “He wanted to do good. I think he had good in his heart, he just went overboard,” she said in defense of the former neighborhood watchman. Whatever it was, not much time had passed after the interview before other members of the jury publicly distanced themselves from B-37, a woman that had just nationally exposed herself to have most likely been extremely annoying to be sequestered with. Then, the inevitable happened: she signed a book deal. You can relax, it turned out to be dead on arrival.

The second word got out through twitter that Juror B-37 was planning to write down her thoughts, the publisher faced an immediate hailstorm of public backlash — including a “We Are The People” petition. They ultimately dropped their new client and followed that up with a semi-apology about having signed her in the first place. The public had spoken, and whatever Juror B-37 had wished to make money by saying was deemed either too dumb, or just too unwittingly fucked up, for public consumption. Fortunately, she was therefore denied entrance to the pantheon of authors whose ideas should never have been written down. Like, for instance, all of these people:

Adolf Hitler

Author: Mein Kampf


L Ron Hubbard

Author: Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health  — A cannonical text of The Church of Scientology


Honey Boo Boo

author: How to Honey Boo Boo: The Complete Guide on How to Redneckognize the Honey Boo Boo in You


OJ Simpson

Author: (If) I Did ItConfessions of the Killer 


Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer…

Who apparently wrote a book full of semen-based recipes called Natural Harvest

Screen Shot 2013-07-18 at 12.36.37 AM













And, of course:

Hans R. Hahn and Werner H Raasch…

The Brains Behind Helping the Retarded to Know God



But to tell the complete truth, it’s kind of a shame that Juror B-37 wasn’t able to make this list. It’s easy to imagine:


 Juror B-37

author: Murder as a Moral Imperative: Why Sometimes Not Killing Someone is the Wrong Thing to Do


And what about the future? Aren’t there certain inevitable ideas — certain things people are bound to think, believe, and attempt to share with other people around them — that should never be written down, or, for that matter, read – by anybody?

Like these maybe?

When No Means Yes: How to Confidently Know The Difference

no means yes

                                                               Image Courtesy of BitchSalad

They Aren’t What You Expected:

Why Sometimes It’s OK to Tell Your Child He/She Is Unlovable 

abuse parent yelling at child

Is This the Porn Button? 

Teaching the elderly and single how to get there faster.



The Trials of Child-Rearing: How to Be a Parent and When to Stop

The parental guide-book by Casey Anthony



I Knew Dzhokhar: My Experience Buying Weed from a Terrorist

This book’s probably going to exist at some point whether we appreciate it or not.



Does it not make him somewhat human that he eats light Nature Valley ranch dressing just like the rest of us?

Two Truths And a Lie: I’m Pregnant, You’re Not the Father, I’m HIV Positive

Confessions of a Shop-a-holic 



Last Call:

The Definitive Guide to the Best Last Drinks Before Getting Behind the Wheel


People People Everywhere:

We’re All Gonna Die If We Keep Having Babies