In Reality w/ Uncle Bucket is an advice column by Andrew Bucket. If you need advice on anything in the world, email your dilemmas to [email protected] by Tuesday morning.
1. The Foot Clan
Dear Uncle Bucket,
I started dating a new guy last October, and let me say first off that this is not really a “relationship” question. Everything in our relationship, like intimacy and sex and all that is pretty good.
The problem is: as the season changes and the weather gets warmer, it turns out that he wears flip-flops in public!!!
what. do . i. do??
Only On the Beach
My poor On the Beach, Only,
In all fairness, you guys should have had this discussion a long time ago– the agenda of practical relationship dialogues, within the first couple months of dating, orders like this:
Jagged Little Pill.
1a. on yr stomach?
Poly or monog’.
2a. Condo-leeza, or Raw-m Emanuel?
3a. can you pull that off?
Did you ever gay?
4a. Just hands? or mouth stuff…
But that aside, lets just talk about the flip-flop for a minute. For some reason I don’t barf when women wear them, unless we’re talking about the disgusting shower shoes they’ve had for 11 years with those blue toe imprints… can a bucket get a bucket in which 2 spew?
Publicly wearing flip-flops is the male equivalent of women sticking their feet out the car window while stuck in traffic. It makes you feel like “jesus put your ugly feet away, what if somebody comes by with a lawnmower, you could get your stupid toes cut off.”
Also, can you even say “fffflip-ffffflop” without feeling like a giant goose-turd. It just barfs out of your mouth like a pathetic, fat, lazy joke of a word.
There is also this vibe of uselessness because a man in flip flops can’t really chase a purse-snatcher or do anything remotely heroic– let alone dance, or go to a bar without getting beer or ketchup grime all over your feet that you just HAAADD to expose to everyone.
Do you think Lou Reed would ever wear flip flops while he was waiting for the man to come deliver him a gyro sandwich (full of druuuugggss)?
(don’t answer that because he’s really into tai chi now so might wear weird ninja shoes…)
BETTER EXAMP: Dü you think K. Kinski would flip his flop in püblic? No fückin whey.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yITx7txr-7M
Do you think Rob Zombie would drive his Dragula if there was anything less than a giant steel toed boot on the pedal?
BUT I GUESS I GET IT, maybe your hombre is a “chill” guy, or one of these beach guys that uses Pac Sun cologne and made you download Banana Pancakes…
So, I’m with you, I really am. But in reality, if your dude has gotten this far in his life without retiring the flippy-flips, then there’s not much you can say to divert his dire need to be a laid back kind of bra-ziere.
Sorry for your terrible situation,
2. High School High
Dear Uncle Bucket,
I am 24 and I have a brother in high school. He got caught by our mom for smoking weed. I went home for Easter I met some of his friends and I know EXACTLY who these kids are, for example one of them had a stick and poke tattoo that said “M.O.B” which I found out means Money Over Bitches. I might be 24 but I remember H.S pretty well and those are the kids that will get you into real trouble.
Should I tell my bro he is hanging with kids that are no good? I know he only likes them because they smoke weed together.
Not A Rat Cuz’
I think you should smoke weed with you brother.
When it comes to weed in high school, you are one of these kids:
1. Red Bull is my anti-drug:
You will probably be ok. You will work at the Pentagon and live in Arlington.
You discover weed your senior year of high school and skip 5th pd. to hang out in Spencer’s gifts and talk about how “bomb-ass” M.C Escher is.
Your friends Ari and Eli have brothers who sell nuggs. Nothing bad ever happens, except you spend $125 on a Chi-hua-hua turds-worth of Indo-plasmic-reticulum.
In college you will attend All Good and buy mushrooms from a very tan guy named Red Deer who invites you touch fists and feel the power of the rainbow.
During your hallucinatory experience you will have a profound visitation from Quetzalcoatl who says in a booming Charlton Heston voice
“Youuu should beeee consulllllting for web baaassed businesssses. They are emplooyyyingg more people than evvveerr and their grooowwtth is toooo rappiiidd for their original infraaaastructuuurree to acccoommmodaaaate.”
3. Lil’ Weezer
Much like senioritis, you discover weed later in high school, but there is a cloud of danger that follows you because you have decided to sell weed.
Weed has an amazing way of bringing the most naive/well intentioned together with the most dubious/steal-y. So, you get robbed, meaning you get intimidated into handing weed over to someone bigger than you after school, and then you give up because you are kind of a punk bitch.
In college, you stay away from tha game but often refer to “when you use to deal.”
4. Grande Soy Al-Pacino
You ain’t never scared. Freshman year you start slangin’ bags to all those empanada-face bammas hangin up by the Wetzels Pretzels. Sometimes you gotta wait 2 or 3 hours for your man to sign onto AIM when you tryna re-up. Algebra II is a puto, and so is Lil Weezer, that’s why you gankt his marc ass.
It’s so cold in tha D-airy Queen.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-eVrQyuMGU
So, in reality, it sounds like your brother has a case of early Senioritis and is forced to buy weed from Grande Soy Al-Pacino, because that is the only person who sells it in high school.
So you should just blaze tough with your lil stones bolognes of a brother. If you have some reason why you cant, like rando. drug testing or just being a dork, then take a chill pill and let him figure it out.
btw, M.O.B is a pretty sw8 stick and poke to have–so if that’s all you’re talking about, you might have caught republican or something.
i dont even smoke weed,
Andrew Bucket is a regular contributor to BYT and will be taking a week off. He will return on Wednesday May 12 in full effex.
Send your dilemmas to [email protected] and let your Uncle figure it out.