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By Diana Metzger

I started 2014 off right: I lost my house keys, took a 6pm nap, and my Spanx were visible all day long. I’m pretty much ruling this year already, but we can all improve. One productive thing I did do today was tear out a page from US Weekly entitled “New Year New Arms.” Unfortunately, this was not an article on surprising celebrity prosthetics. I’m really good at collecting articles on how to work out better, executing those directives is another story.

I would bet good cash on the fact that getting in shape probably tops many lists of new year’s resolutions. Gambling less is probably up there too. I support good intentions and personal betterment, but I believe you have to be realistic, too.

I’ve been inspired by a couple humblebrags disguised as resolutions on Twitter. Shia LaBeouf would apparently like to stop posting such controversial tweets.

I look forward to a 2014 full of his tweets about his receding hairline and questionable moles on his back.

P.F. Changs resolved to “keep using fresh, bold ingredients.” Damn, I was really hopeful that they’d start on a kick to utilize recycled, used ingredients from Panda Express dumpsters. These two resolutions are so ridiculous, but I think these titans of self exploration are onto something. You may be more likely to stick to a resolution if it compliments or enhances something you’re already doing right.

Think about it: running a half marathon is an awesome goal, so is always bringing your lunch to work, but you’ll feel like crap once you throw in the towel by Tuesday. So I challenge you all to create a resolution that is basically just continuing to do something you’re already pretty awesome at doing.

Here are some of mine:

  • According to one of the million lady magazines I hoard in my apartment, you’re supposed to take a 90 minute nap to get a nice REM cycle going. I can pretty much fall asleep anywhere. I dedicate myself to only nap for a really gorgeous hour and a half. Maybe a little more, but I shall never nap for less than that!

Joey and Ross nap

  • I already dress a little silly for a 30-year-old woman. One of my favorite sweaters has a rabbit with a fuzzy tail emblazoned on it. In the spirit of my unique fashion sense, I dedicate 2014 to the year I revive the fanny pack. In 2013, I ate a Cronut and grew some bitchin’ saddlebags so here’s to pairing that with a hip pouch. I’m looking forward to making BYT’s list of awesome Street Style at least once this year.


  • I binge purchased a lot of really awesome makeup towards the end of 2013. In 2014, I should probably use some of it. I resolute to sport that awesome neon pink Wet N’ Wild lip crayon and some violet eyeliner (Pantone color of 2014!)
  • Basically I’m resolving to sleep a lot and when I’m awake I’ll remember the 80s in 2014, which is truly (with my giant head of hair) what I do best. If Jenny McCarthy can bang a member of NKOTB in 2014, I can honor the greatest decade this year as well.


What’s your humblebrag resolution for 2014?