Dearest Hasbro Corporation:
I understand that your corporation developed the My Little Pony toy franchise. I write in praise of your product and the goodwill it has birthed in the hearts of men, women, and children around the globe.
When, in 1983, the My Little Pony brand first graced the shelves of America toy stores, the world had fallen into darkness and was in desperate need of good cheer. I’m sure I do not need to recount the tragic events of that terrible Year of our Lord the One-Thousandth, Eight-hundredth, and Eighty-Third: on January 2, the musical Annie was performed for the last time; on March 23, U.S. President Ronald Reagan proposed the “Star Wars” missile defense system; in the summer, Pink Floyd released The Final Cut, Roger Waters’s swan song; on September 5, Tom Brokaw became anchor of NBC Nightly News; on October 16, the Baltimore Orioles defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series. O, ask me not if I remember the singular death-shadow cast by the daemons of hell across the four seasons, 12 months, 52 weeks, and 365 days of 1983! For I do remember that black cloud, and, in the remembering, find my bones chilled, my mouth filled with a bitter, metallic taste, and my heart stopped mid-beat by the icy, iron fist of an unspeakable despair!
But, as wise men say, it is always darkest before the dawn. And lo! In 1983, dawn came, carried not on angel’s wings or in blood seeping from the blessed wounds of the Risen Christ, but in the fleeting clip-a-clopping of ponies’ hooves as they pitter-pattered across America’s cultural consciousness. Surely thou must know of whom I speak! I speak of the Earth Ponies, the Sea Ponies, the Flutter Ponies, the Mermaid Ponies, the Baby Ponies, the So-Soft Ponies, the Twinkle-Eyed Ponies, the Twice-as-Fancy Ponies, the Brush-and-Grow Ponies, and the entire My Little Pony family that brought a rainbow message of hope to all children of Spaceship Earth living in constant fear of nuclear Armageddon, a new, four-letter word called “AIDS,” and a two-term Reagan presidency! But, tho’ My Little Pony filled every child’s heart with love, still the cynics, like buzzards, circled! The brutish older brothers who dangled My Little Ponies from bedroom windows or left them in compromising positions with Ken and Barbie! The vicious schoolyard bullies who, instead of singing “My Little Pony/Dream Valley,” crassly intoned “My Little Pony/Glue Factory!” And, of course, parents – stingy parents who would only loosen their tightly-drawn pursestrings after much begging and pleading: “Mommie, I need the My Little Pony ‘Baby Bonnet School of Dance’ playset! Daddie, I demand the My Little Pony 7 picture disc!'”
O Hasbro! Music-maker and dreamer of dreams! Sound the horn and, for one more day, let us outrun those four pale horsemen: Strife, Famine, War, and Death! We shall ride these My Little Ponies into the sunset!
Yours in struggle,