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Because I am in a near constant state of reliving my youth or not ever having left my youth at all I was Beyond Thunderdome excited about The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story.

The idea that this was an unauthorized story held so much promise for me. This would unveil every seedy underbelly of one of America’s favorite Saturday morning shows. I was bloodthirsty, eager to hear about sex, drugs, and the occasional I’M NOT SCREECH punch to the face. What I got was an extended episode of Saved by the Bell without Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Instead of screaming things like HOLY SHIT THEY BONED? I was quietly saying things like “Oh, Lark Voorhies was a Jehovah’s Witness. I had no idea.”

Because this was rather loosely based on Dustin Diamond’s book Behind the Bell it was narrated by the actor who played Diamond/Screech and was HEAVILY slanted in his favor. According to this version of Bayside High everyone was an asshole and Diamond just wanted to be liked, which is life. This was never more apparent than when he started hanging out with a pretty shady character in the form of an Asian extra (DIVERSITY) who introduced him to drinking, out of a flask. Cut to Diamond using his Black Belt in Karate skills to punch a bag then take a swig out of said flask. Life can be lonely. Oh hey at least he got a gift from his new friend who surprise surprise was just using him to get a part on Saved by the Bell. Pretty dangerous, incredibly boring stuff.

Although we didn’t find out who was doing blow between takes we did learn that Tiffani Amber Thiessen (she has since dropped the Amber which is not a very 311 move) used to love riding horses and Elizabeth Berkley once tried to audition for a made-for-TV movie about Eleanor Roosevelt, while wearing pearls. Oh and Mark-Paul Gosselaar is half Indonesian and is NOT a real blonde. Sorry ladies. NSFW, so risque. Not even the famed I’M SO EXCITED, I’M SO EXCITED, I’M SO…SCARED episode could save this movie from the snooze alarm it turned out to be.

Perhaps the best thing to come out of this waste of time were the commercials for Lifetime’s next biggest disappointment, the maybe authorized but we have no idea probably not story of Brittany Murphy (RIP) which airs this Saturday, September 6th. Roll with your homies to the nearest house with cable and leave your virginity at the door.