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As the song goes, love hurts. But love also stings, bleeds, cuts, screams, revenges and sometimes even murders. Because Jason’s got it covered, and weepy Svetlana’s got it covered, I thought I’d give you a different kind of movie list, a funky kinda of cinelove. Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you a very special Valentine’s I, Queue Genius.

Secretary (USA,2002). Maggie Gyllenhaal’s turn as a secret cutter who has some serious social issues is the stuff that fantasies are made of. The sadist, masochist and perhaps even misogynist boss perfectly complements the quiet, pushover secretary who discovers love in the most fucked up of relationships. Which just goes to show that everybody, and I mean, EVERYBODY deserves the love and care and whips and torture of another.

Big Love (USA, 2006 – ). Oh man, oh man, oh man, polygamy has never been so entertaining. HBO does it again with a provocative, ridiculous, addictive series about a man and his wife…and his wife and his wife. Extreme Mormonism? Sign me up, Elder Bill Paxton!

The Piano Teacher (France/Austria, 2001). You know how I was just going on about Secretary? Well, take the fucked-upness of the aforementioned film, add strange French dialogue, scenes of unmitigated self-mutilation and the touching story of lonely lonely woman who finds painful love in her young pupil. Isabelle Huppert’s razor-sharp performance as La Pianiste is unforgettable. And I dare you to sit through one of the most disturbing love scenes in movie history without once wincing in disgust or despair. Basically, it’s hot.

Plata Quemada (Argentina/Uruguay, 2000) Plata Quemada is like the Argentine Bonnie & Clyde but with a less Hollywood get-up and some undeniably erotic man-on-man love. But before you go off and discount this film, cause you know, you think gay films are lame and weird, eventhough there’s nothing wrong with it, let me tell you that Burnt Money represents the best in Latin American filmmaking. It’s cool, it’s smooth, it goes down like a good whiskey. The true story of the bank-robbing lovers known as The Twins and the woman (and botched heist) that comes between them should be a serious addition to your movie queue.

2046 (China, 2004) Part Sci-fi, part Romance, and all damn good filmmaking, Kar Wai Wong’s lyrical, poetic story of a writer stuck between the past and the future will not only make you horny, but also satisfy your love-craving senses. Also, there are boobies. And who doesn’t love boobies.

Crazy Love (USA, 2007). Man meets woman, woman charms man, man seduces woman, woman dumps man, man throws lye in woman’s face blinding her permanently, woman marries man and they live happily ever after. One of my favorite films of 2007.

Mighty Aphrodite (USA, 1996) Ladies, would you ever jump into the sack with Woody Allen? Would you? Would you? Well, according to all of his films, only the sexiest, quirkiest women will. And in my personal Allen favorite the main subject is Mira Sorvino. Mighty Aphrodite is an ode to falling in and out of love in New York. And did I mention it’s funny as hell?

El Otro Lado de la Cama (Spain, 2002). How can I do a Love Film List without mentioning a European sex comedy. The Other Side of the Bed takes the very popular and thriving genre and turns it into a musical. And if you can sit through a number of witty, charming if sometimes weird songs, I promise you all a big payload in the form of tits, ass and a Paz Vega lesbian fantasy.

Unfaithful (USA, 2002) Diane Lane is THE HOTTEST MILF EVER. I promise.

Fatal Attraction (USA, 198). Three words, lust, revenge and bunny rabbit soup. Unholy shit, is this what happens when you cheat on your wife?

Ah, sigh! There you have it folks. No doubt about it, this movie guy is in love with love! Next week on I, Queue Genius there will be hate, there will be hatred, there will be hatingness, there will be blood. Bonjour, mes petits poissons!