Thank you Jesus my saviour for giving me the strength and patience to have found a solid roommate. But you know what? The whole time I was thinking to myself, what if the person we pick turns out to have three screws loose? What if the person at first seems like ideal, you know, makes you breakfast in bed and walks your dog. But what if after a few months of of seemingly different and unorthodox lifestyle choices, what you’re getting served in bed IS your dog!?!?! Ladies and gents I bring you a very special IQG! (Warning: This week’s column is Rated R for foul language and ridiculousness).
This week on I, Queue Genius, first, seeking sexy female roommate, to pose as me and then sleep with my boyfriend, then, seeking British roommate with lots of cash and a few days to live, and finally, NOT seeking dead roommates to haunt my pad and drive me apeshit.
Single White Female (USA, 1992). Do you guys remember The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? Do you? Do you remember how sexy Rebeca De Mornay was? Do you? Do you remember thinking, do it, babysitter, do it! Do it! Well, I do. And I only have Single White Female to credit for that. I mean, what is it about this slick 90’s classic that we love love love? Is it that Jennifer Jason Leigh is fucked up out her pretty little mind. Is it that Bridget Fonda is sort of an annoying little pushover who gets what she deserves but then gets so fed up that she unleashes a wrathful shitstorm? Whatever it is, Single White Female is one of the most kickass psychotic-rooommate-fucks-girl’s-boyfriend-goes-apeshit-gets killed-by-fed-up-roommate ever! I don’t even think this film counts as pro-NOW. I mean, JJL is plain old fucked in the head. But man, man, man, man, what a fine performance by the former brat-packer. Check out this movie now and you’ll realize that it’s still as fucked up as your pretty little minds remembered.
Shallow Grave (UK, 1995). Ok, friends and frenemies, I’ll admit it: I do not have any roommate-from-hell stories. I really don’t. My roommate living situations have been more or less normal, save the occasional knife fight or overdose. But how awesome would it be to tell your friends the entire plot of Shallow Grave and have them think that the crazy shit actually happened. This is why I will refrain from telling you how Danny Boyle’s (Trainspotting/28 Days Later) film unfolds. You’ll have to check it out for yourself. I will say that Boyle has such a deliciously awesome way of telling a damn good story. And what happens between these 3 contemptuous dickwats of roommates (one of which is the very young Ewan McGregor) can only possibly happen in the movies. I mean, right?
The Amityville Horror (USA, 1978). No, cinetards I AM NOT talking about the remake with what’s-his-name-Alanis-Morrisette’s-ex-fiance-Van-Wilder dude. I am talking about the utterly 70’s scarefest starring, James Brolin and Margot Kidder (she’s hot, yinz). I know what you’re thinking: there are no roommates in this movie, Cesar, you douchepussy. Oh, yeah, I will respond, there are, there are! The roommates in this filmic gem are dead…dead, dead, dead and DANGEROUS. When newlyweds move into their dreamhouse, crazy-weird craziness begins to happen. And what starts out as a few little creepouts here and there ends up in the scariest haunting ever! The killer ghosts don’t want your company, humans, so I suggest you pack your bags and get the fizzle out, NIZZLE!!
IQG, are you ok? Yes, I’m just a bit weirded out by the idea.
Next week on, I, Queue Genius: If I am still alive and my roommate doesn’t off me, then I’ll be back to tell you about three more films I love love love.