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This isn’t your typical 80’s movie posting, you dildos. You won’t find 16 Candles or Pretty in Pink or Breakfast Club here, pussfaces. I have been ordained by God to tell you that there are a couple of other 80’s teen flicks out there that will fill that void that started growing ever since you turned 27 and realized that you were now responsible for ALL of your actions, you spaz! The 80’s have never been oh so tubularly poignant.

This week on I, Queue Genius, don’t piss her off or she’ll put a spell on you and make your bangs explode, then, the transgendered finally get a film role model and finally, FAIR IS FAIR!

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Teen Witch (USA, 1989). There’s this girl named Louise who wants to go out with the most popular boy in school who is the captain of the football team. There are a few problems though. First, Louise has lousy hair and she wears the wrong kind of tapered denim jeans. And also, she’s crazy shy. And finally, she’s a dork in the 80’s kind of way when dorks really were not cool at all because their talents were almost non-existent, before Bill Gates. BUT Louise discovers that she is a witch and so harnesses her power to not only become the most popular girl in SKEWL but also to win the heart of the 30-year-old looking high school heartthrob and then finally to gain the right to wear a bedazzled denim jacket with shoulder pads and be called cool or awesome. Like all 80’s flicks, this movie is rife with sentiment, flat joke lines and zany characters. Teen Witch though hosts a notable cast of supporting characters including a bitchy popular chick with a WALL OF BLOND HAIR, the nerdy Jewish sidekick girl who wears a fedora, the booger-eating little brother, a trio of white rapping kids with Miami-Vice-hair and then finally the midget lady from Poltergeist who instead of advising Louise to get into the light, she recommends that Louise get some highlights.

Memorable Quote:
Rhet: [rapping] I’m hot… and you’re not… but if you want to get with me I’ll give it one shot, TOP THAT!

IQG, I need more more witching women in my life. Try: Witches of Eastwick, The Craft and Hocus Pocus.

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Just One of the Guys (USA, 1985). THIS, friends, IS my idea of an 80’s movie. Just One of the Guys is like the movie that shows you tits, makes you laugh and teaches you a life lesson all in one. Basically, it’s your typical 80’s film. Except in this movie, instead of the prom, it’s a coveted journalism award and instead of a bitchy prissy bratty redhead, it’s Terry, the hot would-be model braniac who smacks on a pair of jeans, shades and man-do to pass off as Terry, the hot cool mysterious new student at Pearl High. This film is not without its notable cast of young characters and you’ll recognize the asshole bully from The Karate Kid as the asshole bully in this movie. Also, there’s Terry’s undersexed overstimulated younger brother Buddy who gives his sister a crash course on being a man. Have you noticed how much older these guys looked in these movies?

Memorable Quote:
Terry: You know, sometimes I just wish I was a guy.
Buddy: No you don’t! The male body needs sex at all times! It’s a living hell!

IQG, I crave transgendered fun and frolic. Try: Some Like it Hot, Nobody’s Perfect and Sorority Boys.

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The Legend of Billie Jean (USA, 1985)The special thing about this movie is that it sort of became this epic 80’s movie classic for younger folks due to its storyline and characters. When a beautiful girl is accused of using her womanly wiles to rob a dirty old man’s shop, a shitstorm sets off that ends up in tragedy…by 80’s film standard. The Legend of Billie Jean is a serious but accesible and oh-so-80’s exploration of honor, truth, rebellion and celebrity, yes celebrity. It’s sort of like Thelma and Louise but funny and with an awesome soundtrack and without the feminist agro old lady stuff. Helen Slater is the heroine misfit whose brother and friends are one-by-one caught by the law, until she is left with no choice but to make a creative and radical stance against the dirty old man’s lies and the misguided authority. Like the aforementioned movie classics, Billie Jean pops with a colorful band of supporting characters including the fat sidekick sister with a penchant for chocolate, Billie Jean’s redneck ruffneck skater brother played awesomely by Christian Slater and the rich-kid-turned-appreciator-of-life love interest, who doubles as a kidnapped victim of the infamous icon Billie Jean.

Memorable quote:
Billie Jean: [after escaping a guy shooting at them] Putter, oh my God, you’re bleeding!
Ophelia: She’s been shot!
Putter: No I haven’t!
Billie Jean: But there’s blood!
[pause]
Billie Jean: Putter, it’s finally happened.
Putter: [grins] It’s about time.
Binx: Gross!
Billie Jean: Be quiet, Binx! It’s wonderful!

IQG, I want all Slaters, all the time! Try: Supergirl, Pump up the Volume and Heathers.

Next week on I, Queue Genius: Favorite films from the 1920’s. I kid. I kid.

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