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By Allison Lane. Hear Allison Wednesdays 12 -2 on The Cristina Payne Show and Fridays at 1pm on GTFO at listenvisionlive.com.

Ludacris said it best – if you tired be quiet and go to sleep hoe.


But what if you don’t know that you’re sleepy or if you’re a hoe?

A few weeks ago, I partied for 10 days straight. I made a lot of super cool friends who are going to be mine forever. I won a mini pinball tournament. My parents were super proud of all the progress I had made in my life in such a short amount of time. I was really proud of myself and I was really excited for day 11 and then it happened. I passed out. I slept for an entire day. My everything was terrible. When I woke up, I began to wonder – was I really having a good time or did I make this shit up?

Lack of sleep – however it happens – makes you make shit up. Your friend who had the most epic night ever, that story that’s so amazing that it sounds impossible – probably completely made the fuck up. Not to call your friend a liar, I’m perhaps suggesting they might be lacking sleep.

This one article that I read and looked for no other sources to back up it’s claim says that lack of sleep makes you think things happened that didn’t happen. Sounds plausible to me.

After I woke up I really looked back at the last few days. It wasn’t awesome. I scared a bunch of people because I got way to excited playing Cards Against Humanity. I never played pinball and my parents had no idea what I was talking about. Things were pretty average. The only new thing was that I hadn’t been sleeping.

What else had I been missing in my sleep deprived haze?

I couldn’t be bothered with another article so I found this reasonably sourced listicle to help me figure this out. All those times I couldn’t even – number 10 – inability to deal with stress.


Bitch, I might be able to even.

This is huge.

Speaking of huge – sleep deprivation causes bloating. You’re not fat. You’re confused because you’re sleepy and bloated.

So many problems of this world are truly caused by lack of sleep. Hell, even racists might be less racist if they were actually getting some sleep.

You mad bro?

Enough about world problems, back to me problems. So after I realized what this sleep thing can do for me, I went to sleep. Putting myself on a strict sleep schedule has been tremendously helpful with getting my life back. I’m not bloated anymore. I’m not craving as many hot dogs.

People like me and want to do things with me.

Turn down for sleep. It’s worth it.

Overall this has been a good move in sucking less. I strongly advise you try it.


As you go forward these next two weeks, when someone comes along who is super dry and doing the most with the least – don’t get mad. Pass them an Ambien. They suck because they need sleep. While you’re at it, take one yourself. Everyone needs a little more sleep to suck less.