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By Allison Lane. Hear Allison Wednesdays 12 -2 on The Cristina Payne Show and Fridays at 1pm on GTFO at listenvisionlive.com.

Grocery shopping is this absolute worst.


Had I known that feeding myself would be this hard, I would have never moved out of my parents house. Living with my parents, my mother always kept the dopest snacks up in the joint because as she says “She already invested 27 hours of labor and 28 years to my life. You better not fucking starve.” If you can still get laid and have a decent social life, never move out of your parents house if only to never buy groceries.

But alas, I’ve moved out and now I have to deal with this feeding myself problem.


My first year in Washington, DC, I went grocery shopping one time. I bought egg noodles and tuna. Both are still in my kitchen as a testament to how bad I am at grocery shopping and life. The last time I went grocery shopping before I decided I wanted to suck less was in February. I quit grocery shopping temporarily forever because it started snowing that one time I was there. I figured science happen, I controlled the weather and I caused this awful precipitation to happen because I decided to get groceries.

I accepted my responsibility as the one who controls the weather and moved on with my life without purchasing any more groceries. It hasn’t snowed since so I looked to solve other problems. When I decided that I might want to do other things like travel and be an awesome adult, the first place I looked was my bank account. I saw that I was spending all my time eating these basic dinners at the same four restaurants in my neighborhood. What’s worse is that I was mostly spending money on breakfast food. Do you realize how dumb it is to spend $20 on eggs and breakfast meat? It’s OK every once in a while – but like everyday. Basic.

I chose to solve this problem the way I solve all of my other problems – by drinking until I find the answer.


Grocery shopping isn’t fun unless you make it fun. Two weeks ago a friend and I got a little inebriated and went to the grocery store.

You can get drunk at the grocery store. $8 drafts make this hellacious task so much better.


We went ham for freshest meats.


Everything was awesome. Snatching up all the produce.


It was overall a great success. Everyone was super helpful. I bought about a week and half’s worth of groceries for under $60. I bought a few random items that all turned out be great sober – except for this –


There are consequences to everything in life. I saved a bunch of money not eating out as much for a week. I have no idea how to salvage this condiment though. I’ve heard sriracha and cilantro on hot dogs works. Any and all suggestions on making this work are welcomed.

Speaking of making it work…

I think Soulja Boy is singing about preparing to go grocery shopping. Make it work for you. Grab your friend, get in your Ferrari and get yourself some groceries. You have to eat and your wallet will be grateful for it.

As always there’s more than one way to get better at this. When AmazonFresh makes its way to DC, I will grocery shop all of the time. In the mean time, my roommate swears by Peapod and with the first deliver being free and what not it works out just fine.


Basically what I’m trying to tell you guys is this – everyone hates grocery shopping but with a little help from your friends you can do it. And when you do, you get to make new friends. Dead president friends. They can hang out in your wallet and serve as a reminder of that trip to Germany that you’ve been pretending to plan for a year.

Every little step counts on the road to sucking less.