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I don’t understand sports, but I do understand buff men running around in tiny shorts. The 2014 World Cup starts this Thursday, a month-long celebration of soccer football, brotherhood, and rippling man muscles. To kick things off, I painstakingly scoured each of the teams’ rosters, scrutinizing each and every player to compile a list of the hottest men competing in this year’s Cup. It was tiresome work. Many nights were spent slaving over the list’s completion. But, at last, it is finished. All for the greater good of the world’s population.

#1. Olivier Giroud – France

Image credit: French Football Federation Website

Tight shirts + tattoos + a French accent = hot. Who cares if he has a wife and kid? Nothing’s set in stone.

#2. Luke Shaw – England

He kind of has a Ryan Gosling thing going on — but with the added bonus of a hot soccer body. The blue eyes are what really sell it.

#3. DeAndre Yedlin – U.S.A.

Who wouldn’t want to be wrapped up in those big delicious arms? God bless America.

#4. Mensur Mujdza – Bosnia and Herzegovina

He was attractive when he was clean-shaven, but the accent of facial hair really solidifies his spot on the hot guy list.

#5. Miguel Ponce – Mexico

His eyes are beautiful little brown m&ms. His skin is flawless. His smile is so white it could blind you. Look, you can see his pecs stretching the fabric of his shirt. Gracias, Mexico.

#6. Iker Casillas – Spain

Look at that grin. Look at those brows. Plus he’s a goalkeeper, and a quick Wikipedia search tells me that he’s one of the best goalkeepers of his time. Handsome, athletic, and successful? I’ll take him.

#7. Jonathan de Guzman – Netherlands

Those are some smoldering eyes if I ever saw them. He looks sweet, playful, but with a little bit of a bad boy streak. When I look at his face I want to know more.

#8. Orestis Karnezis – Greece

Image credit: Hellenic Football Federation Website

His dark brown eyes seem to say, “I will keep the goal to your heart.”

#9. Andrea Barzagli – Italy

Tan, muscular, and his hair is always perfect even after running around on a sweaty field for hours. Being from Italy multiplies his hotness.

#10. Fabian Schaer – Switzerland

Note the little smirky smile and mischievous glint in his eyes. Not sure how much I like the stubble though. Either commit to the facial hair or shave it off.

#11. James Rodriguez – Colombia

He’s known for making a lot of silly faces on the field. Silly faces = good sense of humor = fun at parties = awesome boyfriend. And he’s got a great smile.

#12. Aleksandr Kerzhakov – Russia

Image credit: Official Russian Football Website

He’s got the Russian attitude, for sure. But that just means he’s passionate about what he cares about. Like soccer. And love.

#13. Eiji Kawashima – Japan

A nice square jawbone and a fun hairstyle? I’m sold.

#14. Rodney Wallace – Costa Rica

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Image credit: Official Costa Rican Football Website

He has a sweet face. He looks like he’s gazing off into the sunset, thinking about his one true love… football.

#15. Maty Ryan – Australia

Well, he’s from Australia, so we already know he has a hot accent. He’s got a youthful face, but I wish he’d smile. He’s looking more “confused and scared” than “dark and brooding” with this expression.

#16. Thibaut Courtois – Belgium

Image credit: Official Belgian Football Website

He looks like the older Belgian soccer player version of this one guy I had a crush on in high school. He’s really got that thin-but-muscular soccer bod down.

#17. Hulk – Brazil

What he lacks in poise and charm he makes up for in stature. They don’t call him Hulk for nothing, people.

#18. Mats Hummels – Germany

He looks like one of those handsome, mysterious, possibly dangerous men from a perfume commercial.

 #19. Essaid Belkalem – Algeria

Nothing like a tall, chiseled, sweaty, Algerian football player. Essaid fits all those categories.

#20. Johnny Herrera – Chile

He’s comfortable enough in his masculinity to rock the pink accents. That’s hot. He also has a good neck on him. Good necks are important. Good necks are attractive.

#21. Ehsan Haji Safi – Iran

His face says he isn’t quite sure what’s going on, but he likes it. I’m partial to the little curled-down mustache.

#22. Riyad Mahrez – Algeria

Great smile, cute dimples… the only thing wrong is the hair. It looks like he’s wearing some sort of jaunty beret.

#23. Charles Itandje – Cameroon

His smile is infectious, and I always love a good beard… that bun, though.

 

Not pictured: Portugal, Honduras, Ecuador, Uruguay, Argentina, Ghana, Korea, Croatia, Côte D’Ivoire and Nigeria. Some because we couldn’t find pictures and some because there weren’t any hot guys on the team. Sorry.

All images official roster photos from FIFA unless otherwise noted.

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