December is finally here, meaning I can finally watch all the holiday movies I want with some actual relevancy! (Don’t worry, I watch them with or without relevancy!) While I enjoy everything from Love Actually to Elf, I think most people can agree that Home Alone is THE greatest holiday movie ever to have been made.
Now, if Home Alone taught me anything, it was how to defend my own home using a melange of Rube Goldberg machines in the event of attempted burglary during the holiday season. It also taught me that pizza makes for a great plot driver. Cheese pizza is the entire reason that Kevin got left home alone in the first place. (I’ll explain.)
If you recall, Kevin has a meltdown when it becomes apparent that Buzz has eaten all of the cheese pizza, because Kevin loves cheese pizza SO MUCH. (Like, some people are willing to die for their country, but Kevin is essentially willing to die for cheese pizza. And I respect the hell out of him for that.) After Buzz offers to “barf it all up”, Kevin headbutts him and sends the kitchen into a state of utter chaos. This lands Kev a one-way ticket to the hide-a-bed to ponder his life choices in solitude, causing him to be forgotten when it’s game time in the morning and forcing him to assume the role of man of the house while his family jets off to Paris without him.
I understand that many factors were involved after that initial pizza pandemonium, like the annoying neighbor kid who causes a head miscount, that hectic airport hustle that results in the flight staff being like, “SURE YOU GUYS SEEM COOL, CLIMB ABOARD NO QUESTIONS ASKED LOL!” (ohhhh the good ol’ days of pre-9/11) etc., but it was the pizza, THE PIZZA, that precipitated the entire mess. If Kevin hadn’t been punished, his ass would’ve been dragged into the van in the morning and they’d all have been eating cocktail shrimp in miserable old Paris for Christmas. Would their house have gotten hella robbed? Yeah, obviously! But no one would give a fuck because the only good part of the movie is watching a child defend himself against the elements and/or criminals using Micro Machines and rope!
We would have missed out on Kevin sledding down the stairs and out the door! We would have missed ice cream sundaes and Crunch Gators and watching rubbish! We would have missed “BUZZ YOUR GIRLFRIEND WOOF!” We would have missed shoplifting, grocery shopping, fabric softener, “Jingle Bell Rock”, tarantulas, POLKA POLKA, the Old Man Marley theme, gratuitous violence…the list goes on and on and on.
So this is to say, “Thanks, pizza! In addition to being delicious and wonderful, you also brought us the greatest holiday movie ever to exist!”
Pizza rules, you guys. Pizza. Rules.
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