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So I really hope all of you watched last night’s AHS Coven finale, because HOLY SHIT. (PS I realize we’ve not been recapping Coven episodes but I just had so many things I needed to discuss that I made an exception.) First of all, this was by far the best episode of all time, but ALSO, I haven’t been more riled up about an outcome since Argentina lost to Germany in the 2010 World Cup. (See also: I was rooting for Argentina. Hard. Insert sad vuvuzela sounds here.)

Before we get into the heavy feels, let’s just address how mega-fantastic the opening sequence was, with Stevie Nicks in all her witchy glory. (BEST EVER.)

So we had Queenie, Madison, Misty and Zoe competing for the position of SUPREME (ps, can I just say that everyone’s pronunciation of the word “supreme” as “sue-preme” as opposed to “suh-preme” is super annoying?) via the seven wonders, which was intense and amazing UNTIL they were like, hi, let’s leave Misty in hell where she has to dissect a living frog FOREVER. Like, I didn’t want HER to be the Supreme, but I also wasn’t hoping she would DIE. (#FUCK)

Also, let’s quickly discuss how Myrtle Snow is the most amazing, badass old lady witch ever. She is essentially like if Grace Coddington were a witch (I’m likely basing this on the red hair factor), but with the added bonus of smoking rad pink cigarettes and serving caviar and champagne for the last supper. Dear Myrtle Snow: CAN YOU BE MY MOTHER.

But back to the seven wonders, where the remaining three witches are playing transmutation tag in the yard and, after having been warned by creepy-eyes Cordelia that “IT’S NOT A GAME, MOTHERFUCKERS”, Zoe somehow accidentally transmutates onto the front gate (a la Virgin Suicides) and is mega-killed. This is the moment that I decided I did not want to play this game anymore, because Zoe is obviously the one who should have been Supreme. The other witches try to bring her back to life (minus Madison, who continues to be a giant cunt), but they are unsuccessful, and it is the worst.

Kyle (Zoe’s zombie boyfriend) obviously stays with Zoe’s body to cry tears of sadness, and it was at this point that I whispered (out loud, to myself, because that is normal) “BRING YOURSELF BACK. BRING YOURSELF BACK.” over and over. Because seriously, THAT would have been the ultimate great thing, is if she was like, “NOPE TOO COOL FOR DEATH,” and then just waltzed in the door and defeated the shit out of EVERYONE at the remaining seven wonders tasks. BUT ALAS, she stayed super dead, and I was #PISSED.

So this is about the point that Myrtle Snow is like, “PS, Cordelia, you could totally be the Supreme, too, even though you’ve been super chicken shit the entire season! Like, you could totally be it!” to which Cordelia is like, “Noooooo…really? Okay, cool, I’m in,” and starts to crush the shit out of the seven wonders tasks. (Ummmm…shouldn’t you have been able to bring Zoe back from the dead immediately? Why are you the worst?) It comes down to Madison and Cordelia in the divination task, where Madison realizes she can’t fucking do it and throws a temper tantrum. (GO AWAY, EMMA ROBERTS.) The rest of the witches are like, “BYE GURL,” and decide to try to bring Zoe back from the dead again.

As Madison is packing up her shit and crying or whatever, Kyle is like, “WTF, why did you let Zoe die, bitch?” Naturally he starts to strangle her, and naturally she tries to pull out those crocodile tears with an, “I am super in love with you, which is why I did that! Sorry and stuff!” but he doesn’t fall for it and super kills her. Spalding morphs out of the shadows to be like, “Cool, IMA STROKE HER DEAD FACE WITH A SEVERED DOLL HAND LOL,” and then he talks with Kyle about how they’re going to bury her and no one will even give a shit. (#TRUTH)

But hey, Zoe is brought back to life now, great! It’s also pretty clear that Cordelia is the Supreme, ’cause she passes out after reviving Zoe and upon standing up is all of a sudden not gross-blind anymore. Slash WHAT? Was there a mistake somewhere? Was I not just watching an entire season of a basic bitch who is now suddenly witch royalty? Where did that even happen? What is going on? Why is this happening? Ryan Murphy, do you not remember that time you gave Zoe the power to shut down all of those dead crazies, and everyone was like “OH SHIT!”?! What is even happening.

Okay, so Cordelia is the Supreme now, and she gets on a TV show to be like, “PS witches are totally normal and cool, everyone should come live here if they think they’re a witch ’cause we’re cool!” And everyone seems to be okay with it. Like, sorry, but if someone on TV was like, “Hi, I can do telekinesis and transmutate and also kill you and possibly bring you back to life,” I would probably be like, “Ummmmmmm, nope. Can’t coexist, BYE.” (For the record, I am a firm believer in the supernatural, but I am not a firm believer in TRUSTING the supernatural.)

So at this point, Myrtle Snow is like, “Hi, I would really like it if you burned me at the stake for melon-balling out those other witches’ eyes so you could see again because #CRIMES.” Obviously Cordelia is like, “FUCK THAT SHIT,” but Myrtle makes her, and goes out like a total badass, yelling “BALENCIAGAAAAAAAAA” as her final word before gettin’ real crispy.

Meanwhile, as a result of the TV appearance, a shit ton of alleged witches (who they totally don’t even test to be sure if they’re for real, which like, in actuality, there must have been hella impostors who were just like STEVIE NICKS WITCHES BLACK CLOTHES YASSSSSS.”) just show up outside the gate ready to be let in for schoolin’, but before they’re admitted, Cordelia gives extra authority to Queenie and Zoe. (Great consolation prize.)

(ROFL CITY AS TOLD BY RUSS MARSHALEK)

But WAIT, I TOTALLY FUCKING CALLED IT, ’cause Fiona Goode is downstairs lookin’ hella bald, sitting in an armchair straight chillin’. Apparently (again, as I called it) she faked her own death in order to find out who the REAL Supreme was, but #PLOTHOLE, she’s like, “Oh by the way, I TOTALLY knew it was you, Cordelia, ever since you were born!” (Ummmm…why put up the giant charade, then?! WHAT?!)

I’ll admit, for a minute there I thought she was totally gonna waste Cordelia to save her own skin, especially when she was like, “Hi, can you please slit my throat with this knife and fall into my trap like all the other motherfuckers I killed the exact same way!”, but she goes quietly when Cordelia hugs her. (She also ends up in hell w/ AXMAN, who keeps trying to have sex with her / force her to eat catfish, and she’s like, “NOOOOOOOO!”)

Okay, so now everything’s cool, they let all the n00bs in through the gates, and HOORAY WITCHES, WE GON’ THRIVE. And Cordelia is like, #SMILE #SMILE #SMILESOHARD. (The end.)

Aftermath: I felt (and still feel) really pissed that Cordelia is the Supreme. There were a million other better, more believable options for the winner of the seven wonders tasks, BUT NO, fucking bitch-ass LANA WINTERS has to go and triumph yet again. (For the record, I supported it in Asylum, but NOT RIGHT NOW.) Despite my favorite not succeeding, though, I felt this episode was pretty much the best thing of all time, and I’m super bummed the season is over. Until next year, PEACE.

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